Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

poe.tuesday

it is you and your girlfriend who are having a baby not your girlfriend and her mother

either she wants to be with you, as a family unit or she doesn't - I don't think it has anything to do with the house, this just seems like an excuse to me for her not to move in with you and be a family - whilst I understand she may be close to her mum and need her support, what about you and your childs needs and wants?

good luck in whatever you do and I hope that you are not forced into doing something you don't want to do for the sake of your girlfriend's ultimatums as I have a feeling that even if you do, it will not actually change what I feel she really wants deep down, and that is to be living at her parents home where they can do everything for her and your baby

minimoneysaver

Another poster here who thinks you need to stay put. What is is suggesting is crazy. Why would you spend all that time, money and effort in doing up somewhere to then put it on the market, if that wasn't the original plan. Your reward for your time spent on the cottage is getting to live there. You stay where you are and let her make up her mind. You can still do a nursery for the baby, as you never know, it may tempt her.

FatVonD

Would you consider renting it out and then renting a house closer to her parent's house that was both of yours?

If you were to suggest that and she still insists on living with her parents then I think she isn't as committed to you as you are to her.

lolly1981

hello, i wouldnt want to be in your situation buyt you arent in the wrong, well how could you be, you want to make a home as a family with your gf, in a house you have spent the last year making beautiful (im a wee bit jealous) I have a few experiences of your situation.

i have lived with my bfs parents i was also about 22, i didnt ahve children then but i got on fine with his parents but living with them was hard work i was so aware that it want my home but someone elses, yes i could come and go as i felt i was treated as an adult but i still didnt feel wholly comfortable.

i got pregnant with my 2nd son early on in my relationship with my husband, i lived 300 miles away from him and wouldve done anything to be with him (maybe not live with his parents as i already hada son) and if he had bought a cottage and spenta year doing it up it wouldve been a dream, a nice house lovingly repaired. i did move from a house i loved to one im not so keen on the one i am in. my husband viewed all the houses without me, i only saw the house i live in after the exchange was agreed, my name is on the tenancy agreement but he doesnt see it as 'my house' its our home.

and my last experience and the one i would be most worried about for you. my husband has a son from a previous relationship, she is very mucha mummys girl, she sees her mum everyday, my stepson pratically lives at his grandparents, my OH's ex lives a5 minute walk from her mothers. now the part that makes all that really hard, she has very little control over her son, her mother dictates when hubby can and cant see his own son, decisions about son has to go through her mother, even when they were together she played a HUGE part in my stepsons upbringing, very overbearing my hubby felt like he was always in the wrong, it was her mother that eventually convinced her to move home with her leaving my hubby in 'their home' and taking his son. they had actually fallen out before my stepson was born but she is sucha mummys girl she called her up when she was in labour and that was it she was even dictating what was happening in the delivery room.

im not saying she is that overbearing or pushy but the point im trying to make is when does it become too much, if you are living in their house you may not ahve the final say in your own child, and if your gf is as mucha mummys girl as she seems her mother will ALWAYS get 1sta nd last say on the best way to bring up your child. you wont be a ble to be a real family. you have the perfect home and it would be lovely for your family but be careful it might not be all your gf's decision you have no idea what her mother is putting into her head, pregnant women are very emotional and mummy alays knows best.

sorry its so long winded but i would hate to see anyman go through what my husband has to go through to be near their own child all because his exs mother is involved!

Emmzi

put her on the house deeds and mortgage and have a quick registry wedding with a full vow renewal & big ceremony when you can afford it.

An offer of that will soon tell you if she wants to be with you or not. Take it from there.

getmore4less

You were doomed the minute you bought a house without consulting.


I think you have also said you have never really lived there yet so thats another issue it is not really your house yet in her eyes it is probably just a project that you spent a lot of time on when perhaps you should have been visiting and spending time with her.

Whenever she was in the area you should have been spending most of your time together at the cottage, even if it meant camp beds and sleeping bags because you were doing it up.

You may have lost the opportunity, so getting her to buy in now is going to be very hard, its a girl thing, seen it loads of times, there are a few smarter ones out there but you have missed your chance to change to one of those for the time being.

LilacPixie

pipsta wrote: »

Do you think it is nuts to live with the folks when I have a lovely cottage ready to be moved into. Everything brand new, she doesnt have to pay a penny either, yet she wants to stay at home until we buy a place together. Is this silly?

could be that your idea of lovely is not hers or you bought without her, you worked on it without her so its just not her home. She wants to be home and that isn't it.

pug_in_a_bed

i also think she sounds crackers.
print this thread out for her to read (but stand well back lol!)

The 'new' house won't be hers either, it'll be yours again as you'll be paying!

To be honest, this sounds to me like she is not fully committed to you.
There has to be much more to this than being a spoilt madam over you buying a house without her consultation.

If my OH had done what you did I'd be over the moon!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Staying fortnightly, like a ten year old doing the contact visits when parents divorce?

Oh dear. She's not quite ready to move anywhere with you yet, as she's just at the finishing Uni stage where there are no responsibilities, back with Mum doing the washing, no bills to pay, etc, etc. If she moves in with you, she'll be someone's Mum. And unable to leave the baby with Nanny whilst she just pops out to the shop and chats with her best friend from primary school, etc. By delaying moving in with you, she prolongs her childhood just that bit longer.



Patience, OP. Keep your lovely cottage. In your sole name.

It may dawn on her finally, especially if you are 'out' sometimes, that she stands to lose you if she keeps on like this.

I hope it doesn't end that you pay her maintenance and you lose your lovely home. But it is a possibility. Don't agree anything without consulting an expert.

Rikki

It makes me wonder if she wants a proper relationship and family unit with you.

Why when you have a man that loves you, a baby on the way and a home to start your lives together do you want to live with your Mum.

I followed my now ex from one town to another in rented accommodation as we travelled with work. When we eventually bought a house I was due to give birth in 8 weeks of moving in. I knew no-one, the house was a complete mess, no central heating, a coal fire, half a kitchen,and a yucky bathroom. My parents were shocked but not once did they suggest I stay with them. (they lived 150 miles away)

He was the man I loved. WE were having OUR baby. This was my new family and we would live together!