Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

Chaos_Monkey

Hi there

I'm at work, so posting quickly.....

I'm afraid all the tea in China couldn't persuade me to move in to my in-laws house, and i'm child free. If we did have kids, there's even less chance I'd entertain the thought. I do get on alright with the in-laws, however nothing in this world could make living with them, as a 'grown up' in my own right, a viable option.

I'd also like to second the other posters point of ''I'd live in a box/end of the earth'' to be with my DH.....well, I did move 250miles to live in a freezing cold flat with him!

I think perhaps the issue of WHY she won't leave mummy and daddy's house needs to be looked at, as the fab cottage is probably a red herring. Would she be digging her heels in if it were Buckingham Palace? By the sounds of it, probably.

I do feel for you - you sound like a sensible guy and I totally agree that you two should be raising your new family together, independant of her parents.

Good luck, I think you're going to need it!

ema_o

I have been with my OH 5 years, although I am quite a bit older than your OH. I wouldn't for a second want to live with either of our parents over being in our own place even if it was his in the first place.

We have lived with his parents (when I moved to be closer to him), that was fine but got a bit crowded, and we did it purely to save towards buying our own place. If he'd had somewhere to live and we'd decided we wanted it to be both of ours I'd have put whatever I could into the mortgage and persuaded him to decorate some of it to my taste, having said this your GF has had this opportunity and not wanted it!

If at all possible I'd suggest moving into the place together between now and the birth, get some experience of actually living together, and agree to reassess the situation in a couple of months, deciding what you both want then.

If she wants her mum around at first she is really not that far away, could the mum come stay with you for a bit if this is the sticking point? I'm struggling with where she's coming from with this myself because although I want my mum to be around and will be seeing her a lot after the baby is born, I wouldn't want my parents being there 24 / 7 as I want OH, baby and me to be a family and have time and space on our own.

Plans_all_plans

Hi OP, has she mentioned wanting to get married to you? Is the fact you are not married a reason for not wanting to leave her parents?

Lara44

If I were you, I would ride it out OP. Sometimes we don't know what is best for us and it takes a while to see what's in front of our eyes. Also sometimes it's not the right thing to do to let someone have their own way, I know that sounds a bit harsh... I would certainly offer to move in with her parents for a month or two after the baby is born, but that is all. Plus the decorating concessions already suggested.

Have you tried any grand gestures, really trying to show her how good it could be? Like mocking up your spare room as a nursery. Would that help to change her mind? You could also promise to sell after X time if she's not happy - write it all down and say she can hold you to it!

pipsta

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Hi OP, has she mentioned wanting to get married to you? Is the fact you are not married a reason for not wanting to leave her parents?

She said she would like to get married but not at the moment due to the costs. We are in no rush

*Louise*

Lara44 wrote: »

Have you tried any grand gestures, really trying to show her how good it could be? Like mocking up your spare room as a nursery.

That's sneaky...I like it....:D

chattycathy1674

I'm confused...

She doesn't want to live in the cottage as she sees that as 'yours'.
She wants to buy a home 'together' but yet it would be your wage paying the mortgage...

Sounds like she's spat her dummy out over you choosing the cottage without her in the first place.

It makes no sense at all to move in with her parents. Non at all.
Don't pander to it. Hopefully she'll see sense when she's up in the night with the baby, alone. She'll be knocking down your door to move in

Good luck hun

onlyroz

I think you need to find out her true reasons for not wanting to live in your house. Either she hates the house for some reason, or the location is wrong for her, or she doesn't actually want to live with you, or she isn't ready to leave mummy yet.

Either way, don't sell the house. Could you maybe rent it out for a bit until you've both decided where your future lies?

Tish_P

OP, I totally understand that you are frustrated. If she were my friend I would probably be recommending she move in with you, as from what you've told us it does seem the obvious solution.

But...

She's never lived with you before. Being so young, I'm guessing she's never lived with any bloke before? She knows that in January her life is going to change almost beyond recognition with the arrival of the baby - isn't it understandable that she should want to hold onto something familiar rather than have everything change at once?

If I were you I would tell her that no, you are not going to move in with her parents, because you too need to feel some ownership over your living space, and besides it is asking for stress and conflict. But make up a nursery in the new house, tell her she is welcome to move in gradually as life becomes less overwhelming, and that after a specific number of years if she still feels this way you can sell up and find a new place.

Make-it-3

Having read everything you've said OP, I'm beginning to wonder if its less about the house and more about insecurities about having and caring for the child at the same time as moving in with you when you haven't lived together before. It's a lot of life-changing things in a short space of time and that coupled with pregnant hormones!!!

Are her parents on her side with this? Could you have a chat with them?

Try not to feel ashamed that she is taking this stance, its her who needs to do the explaining to friends and family about why she isn't setting up home with you.

If she really won't entertain the idea of living with you (could you agree a trial basis with her staying at weekends perhaps if she is nervous about things) then you need to discuss with her how you will share access to the baby while living separately.