Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

Snuggles

OP I think you really need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about your relationship. I hate to say it, but it sounds as though she doesn't want to commit to you.

There is something seriously wrong here, and you need to get to the truth before making any major decisions. I'm sorry, but no one in their right mind would prefer to live with their parents rather than start a life together with the person they love in their own space.

PLEASE do not cave in to her (completely unreasonable) demands. Don't sell your cottage and don't move in with her parents. I fear that if you go down that road it won't be long before you find yourself with no home and no girlfriend.

Be honest with yourself - are you absolutely confident that she wants to be with you, or do have any doubts about this?

sammie383

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pinkclouds

I think it's harsh to call the poor girl "selfish" and "immature". I agree it's time to move into the shiny new house and start turning it into a home. However, there's no reason why she can't have an extended visit with her mom (I'd suggest the first 3 months after baby arrives) to ensure she feels confident and well supported and secure. Yes, you are the baby's father but you'll get a grand total of 2 weeks paternity leave and she'll be left at home to do all the breastfeeding, cleaning, washing, etc. It is dispiriting to mop up endless quantities of sick and wee in the first few weeks and feel you are somehow failing to cope. It is totally natural to turn to your own mom for support and guidance and reassurance. Otherwise, bear in mind you don't live together and you're not married - trying to force her into a position of discomfort could end up in PND and/or relationship breakdown and guess how much of the baby you'd see then? Honestly, can't you let her stay with her mom for a few weeks without you? You've apparently been doing that for 5 years already!

clw1

From your OH's point of view she is hormonal and about to have to 2 major life changes (having a baby and living with a partner full time), maybe adding on to this moving away from her parents and living in a house that she doesn't feel comfortable in is too much for her. Remember she will be in the house about 22hrs of every day with a small screaming baby so she needs to like the house and the area as much if not more than you do !

I was pregnant and house hunting (for somewhere to rent for only 6 months) and there were lots of nice normal houses that I just did not feel comfortable in. For me it would have made the first 6 months of my babies life very tough to be hating the place I lived and have all the baby stuff to cope with.

I know that the house might be nice but is it worth major arguements and long term resentment ??

That said I don't think you should live with the in-laws as you need your own space to be a family.

Would your OH move into your house full time until christmas as a trial on the condition that if she is still not happy you buy / rent somewhere else together ??

If not then as she wants to live with her parents and you want to live in your house the compromise for you both would be to rent / sell your place and move into a house together.

mazinmouse

I can only echo what the other's say. Don't be hasty and don't sell. You say the GF's mother is a brilliant estate agent and can sell anything - well, so can anyone if the price is right. And if you go down the route of selling and she is your estate agent you will be under a degree of obligation to go along with her suggestions. If you do sell get go with another agent!

The following may not be palatable reading but based on the words I read I think it sounds like there is an underlying fault / problem in the relationship that is being smoothed over with a thin layer of plaster but no-one is actually acknowledging it or coming out and saying it. I suspect there is a degree of glossing that has gone on in the hope that things will all pan out for the best.

I think you can't see there is a problem as you have been focussed on your own thing since you bought the cottage. I'm afraid your GF sounds immature as hasn't been brave enough / had wisdom to initiate the most important conversation of your lives and you haven't dealt with it either. I think you have assumed it would all work out. The time to have the conversation was when she first started talking about it being 'your home' - that was when you needed to clarify what you both had in mind for the long-term.

I think her parents are lacking confidence in your long-term relationship - because if they weren't they'd be encouraging her to live with you.

I expect you are all basically really decent people and made all the right noises about being overjoyed at having a baby (because that's what you do) and in your case, I suspect you truly are overjoyed - but that the pregnancy was not necessarily ideal from perspective of your GF or her family.)

I really hope things work out for you the way you wish them to.

emsywoo123

pipsta wrote: »

I bought the house at the time because she wanted me to get onto the housing ladder, purly with the intention of getting on the ladder. We didnt know at the time what she would be doing after uni, working home or away. I didn't buy the house intentionaly on my own to get my own way, i just wanted to get on the ladder whilst prices had hit rock bottom. The cottage was a dive when i bought it, damp, leaking but i saw so much potential for the price i couldnt sit on it. My partner was with me the day the offer was excepted and she was over the moon that i had just bought my first house. I have tried to include her as much as possible but with her being 200 miles away it was rather difficult. The house is not furnished yet and not painted to finishing colours (just white over new plaster) so plenty of decisions left to be had. Trouble is the more i ask her for her input it, she goes quiet on me and says "its your house, you choose"

Im trying so hard to make it as much as her's as mine ( even putting her down on deeds) its what I want, a home for both of us but she just will not come to the idea. I could understand if it were a sh*t hole but its not.

Ill try upload some photos.

Ooooookkkkkkkay, you are saying what sounds right (i.e. the bit in red) but you seem to slip and have alot of "I" and "me" when talking about the house.

She is 22, unexpectedly pregnant, and her partner of 5 years bought a house that she probably did not realise, that by his own admission, would take up quite so much time.

I am 8 years older than her and a mother already, but I can empathise with the life changing situation she finds herself in.

And you are worried about a house? Everyone has commented thus far about what a "wonderful" and "special" person you are, but if you cannot see that she is deeply unhappy about something, then all the renovated cottages in the world are not going to help you!

margaretclare

pipsta wrote: »

Her mum has not got anyone lined up but im sure she could sell it quickly.

I have put in oak beams in every room, oak floor, inglenook fireplace with woodburner. I love the place to bits, I have really spent my time on it.

I have no issue selling the house, just want to enjoy the hard work i have put in, plus get the right price for it plus dont want the stress of moving at the moment.

I can see your point of view completely and I agree with those who said this girl is an immature, selfish cow (with apologies to cows!)

I would love this place, but then, I have a strong sense of history (have just come back from visiting my roots in the Yorkshire Dales). Just cannot understand her point of view at all.

Time was, a young man would get a house ready and then he would invite his bride to move into it. Can't see anything wrong with that idea.

melancholly

i wouldn't put her on the deeds just yet........ i am very cynical, but wait a little bit until you've lived together

margaretclare

Emmzi wrote: »

put her on the house deeds and mortgage and have a quick registry wedding with a full vow renewal & big ceremony when you can afford it.

An offer of that will soon tell you if she wants to be with you or not. Take it from there.

I agree with this.

It is a fallacy that getting married is too costly. It need not be costly at all. But then, I'm a different generation who still believes that a child should be born in wedlock.

Padstow

Above all, please do NOT put her on the deeds.