Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

Primrose

I'd be wary of being dictated to in this way. You have worked on this project for a year and put a lot of hard work and effort into it. You are offering you girlfriend a nice home. She apparently doesn't want to move into it because she feels disconnected with it. Well, she's fortunate to have that option, but apparently prefers to go on living with Mummy and Daddy. This suggests to me that she's not ready to commit 100% to you and is using the fact that it's your property as an excuse yet is expecting you to move in with her parents where you'll have no privacy and every time there's an argument or issue, it will be a three to one battlefront.

So perhaps you are better off giving her the option to continue living with her parents and recognising that this may not turn out to be the long term relationship you have planned. Actually, despite the fact that you say you love each other, you seem to be pulling in different directions. She may be a little immature and pregnant but moving back in with parents when there's a perfectly good alternative option in my opinion, is a very worrying aspect and I'd keep your house and your independence and not make yourself vulnerable to this kind of emotional blackmail. You may live to regret it. And don't put her name on the deeds unless and until you're married.

Primrose

Another word of advice. DON'T let her mother sell the cottage for you, even if she's an estate agent and that's the route you ultimately decide to go down, although I would firmly advice you against it. BUSINESS AND FAMILY DON'T MIX. Sell it independently through a neutral estate agent. Yes, it may cost you more but you need to make a statement here that you are going to be making your own decisions and not letting family members interfere in any way with the way you run your life.

Tuesday_Tenor

Further to my post above and your subsequent posts.

Yes, you really do need some serious talks about your future relationship to get beyond 'hoping it will all work out'. It doesn't sound as though she is ready to commit to a family life with YOU and the baby. It may be that she doesn't know what she wants. It may be that she's rather be married before setting up home with you; if it's what you want, have you asked her? You need to have SHARED visions to work towards if you are starting a life together, and at present you don't have that.

Rather as you're worried about being 'forced' (by the pregnancy and its implications) to sell the house, she's worried about being 'forced' (by the pregnancy and its implications) into setting up home with you just now. She only needs to have 2% doubts to make it potentially a 'wrong' decision. She may be 98% certain that you're the right person for her but, without the pregnancy, would have needed a couple more years to be 100% sure.

You say you have to be together when the baby is born. No, you don't if she's not ready for this. This may be sad for you, but it may be that that is the compromise you have to make at the moment, while she matures into being a mother and a great future partner for you. You spend as much time as you can with her and baby, but you won't be living there. Having a baby will change you both; in 12 months time you might not like the person she has become, but she might be desperate to move in with you anywhere!!!

I don't have any doubts that you'll support your child in every way you can.

The house is a separate issue, but it may be the thing that is helping her focus her mind as to whether she really wants to be with you.

You say "I bought the house at the time because she wanted me to get onto the housing ladder, purly with the intention of getting on the ladder. We didnt know at the time what she would be doing after uni, working home or away. I didn't buy the house intentionaly on my own to get my own way, i just wanted to get on the ladder whilst prices had hit rock bottom". In your mind it's become a "home" as you've worked on it. In her mind it's still just a property to be sold on; perhaps she never really expected EITHER of you to live there at all? . (Question - Does she want to move to somewhere more suitable for a family/nearer her parents [not totally unreasonable] OR to move UP the property ladder [is she more concerned with property status that a home?].

Even IF she wants a home with you (still to be discussed) and even IF you can develop a shared vision for your future (in A home, somewhere) it may or may not be the right time to try to sell/move now. For helping her face the realistic practicalities of this now, I'd go with Spending Mad's earlier suggestions re what you can/can't afford. I don't get the impression you've done much talking like this. Perhaps she wanted you to get on the property ladder so that you could then match the £X0,000 her parents would give her when she wants to buy a house? Seems to me that she's not really saying what's on her mind at all.

But also, as someone else said, if you haven't noticed her being really unhappy, then 'your' house may have been as much a hindrance as a help.

I don't know what it's like when you try to talk together to work things out. Doesn't sound like you've tried much of this at all. Hope you can do this OK when you DO start. If you're still going round in circles after a few weeks, not understanding each other's position OR understanding but not able to progress, then do consider going to Relate. It's not just for married couples, and you two have a lot of issues facing you at the moment. It may help you improve your communication and problem-solving with each other so that you make the best decisions, for yourselves AND you child. Which would be a great investment for your future. Whether you live together or not, you are both going to be parents and will need to communicate well, for the sake oif the child.

DON'T consider either selling the house OR putting her on the title deeds, until you're both as sure as you can be that you have a future TOGETHER.

DON'T EVER (even in future) use her mother's estate agency to sell the house.

Best wishes for moving forward.

Broomstick

I keep thinking of that 'home is where the heart is' expression and your hearts don't really sound as if they are in the same place.

This may be a completely stupid idea but is there any mileage in renting out your cottage for a year and then renting somewhere for the two of you to live together - a place that you have both chosen - to see if this idea of hers works out?

It might make it clearer about whether the difficulties are a relationship thing, or a location thing or whatever. You will have a home, albeit a temporary one, for when the baby is born and your partner will have been party to the housing choice. You won't have sold the cottage either and you will have kept a bit of a distance from her family.

B x

sueeve

You call her your missus in your title, but actually she is not. The baby has come before the permanent commitment, and so you don't have the firm foundations which would make things more straightforward. You will need to go back to those basics and build your life as a partership - or not. Perhaps the baby is forcing her into making decisions for which she is not ready. She has not lived with you without the baby, let alone with. She is unsure of her life with you and the house is a coverup for this. I actually feel quite sorry for her. There is a reason for the old fashioned order of things. Courtship, commitment, home and then baby. I know a lot of people will disagree, but it seems to me that a lot of people have divorced the idea of having sex from having babies. When sex came after the making of a mature relationsip, instead of trying out to see if there might be something, relationships were less likely to fail. I think that you thought the relationship more developed than your gf. Stay in your house and if you see her as your lifelong partner work on that. I would guess that her parents are also uncertain about her having a future with you.
Just a little thought. Have you discussed marriage with her? If so, what was the outcome?

Triker

Mmmm it may just be at that at the moment your girlfriend needs the security of what has been familiar to her i.e. her parents and their home whilst she goes through the terrifying process of pregnancy.

If you give her some time, just say, 'well, when your ready, I'll be here', she may then understand that and come around sooner rather than later.

Belive me nothing galvanises people into action than the prospect of someone taking over their baby!


Also can posters knock it off calling the OP's girlfriend names like 'cow', it's his partner, he clearly loves her and wants some advice for whats best to do and they are expecting a baby together...calling her names does not help the situation!

Tuesday_Tenor

Broomstick - not a stupid idea at all. Very sensible!

(a)
You will have a home, albeit a temporary one, for when the baby is born and your partner will have been party to the housing choice. You won't have sold the cottage either and you will have kept a bit of a distance from her family.

OP - you need to talk, talk, talk, without prejudice as to eventual outcome. But it seems to me that this temporary 'solution' has a lot of factors in it's favour. You'd be setting up home together, both compromising a bit (but fairly equally), and not making any irreversible decisions.

In your talking you may find that she doesn't want this sensible idea, as

b) She wants to get married - do you both? for the right reasons?

OR

c) She wants to be with her parents. So she's not ready to be with you at all.

Best wishes.

pipsta

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

Broomstick - not a stupid idea at all. Very sensible!

(a)
You will have a home, albeit a temporary one, for when the baby is born and your partner will have been party to the housing choice. You won't have sold the cottage either and you will have kept a bit of a distance from her family.

OP - you need to talk, talk, talk, without prejudice as to eventual outcome. But it seems to me that this temporary 'solution' has a lot of factors in it's favour. You'd be setting up home together, both compromising a bit (but fairly equally), and not making any irreversible decisions.

In your talking you may find that she doesn't want this sensible idea, as

b) She wants to get married - do you both? for the right reasons?

OR

c) She wants to be with her parents. So she's not ready to be with you at all.

Best wishes.

I have no doubt she wants to be with me for the long term, she is very loyal which i love to bits. I think she just has her heart so set on getting a place together her judgment is imparied because of this. Practicallity has gone out the window in favour of getting somewhere together a fresh.

She wants me to sell my car also to get a bigger one but I keep telling her one thing at a time as we cannot afford it. Yeah we could afford it but when I have been paying for my current car for two years and to change now would mean throwing that money away and starting again.

Its just all too much to quickly and I dont want to stretch ourselves.

RAS

Go over to the DFW forum and ask how to do a Statement of Affairs. This wil show what you can afford.

I think your GF is suffering froma fairly common misapprehension; that on a single salary at the start of a career, she can live the sort of life provided by her parents on two high salaries after half a lifetime's earning.

ViolaLass

I have a couple of thoughts on this from trying to put myself in your girlfriend's shoes.

1. Prior to all this kicking off, what was the plan when she left uni? Was she going to move home or in with you or live elsewhere? Had she perhaps picked out a certain area, even if local, where she'd like to live? It's difficult to be specific without knowing the area but, for example, if she really likes walking in green, open areas, she might have imagined that she was going to live in such-and-such village once she'd finished uni and had therefore not imagined her life in your cottage.
Sure, she could change her mind but maybe she's not good at coping with change. It may sound silly but my OH and I are both like this. If we set ourselves on a certain course, we both need time to adapt to changes (obviously the time varies according to the seriousness of the thing being discussed and the amount of change proposed). Your girlfriend is going through a huge amount of change as it is, what with finishing uni coming home AND being pregnant.

2. You haven't mentioned your age. Are you older than her? Or, as you haven't mentioned going to university, have you been working and earning your own money for some years? If so, it may be that she doesn't feel equal in the relationship. I've had this with an ex who I absolutely adored but never felt equal with - he never treated me badly or really gave me reason to be insecure, I think it was just something I had to work through (and did).

Both of these are tricky and probably not easy to solve, even if your girlfriend recognises them as affecting her. If she does feel insecure, making you sell your house and move in with her parents is a good way to make you 'prove' you love her - I'm not saying you should do this, I'm just trying to put forward what she might be thinking.

I wonder whether if you've never lived together before, she can't really picture it, especially as you've stayed in this house and she hasn't. The alternate weekends thing is a good idea, I think. An extension of that could be the pair of you 'going on holiday' for a week to your house. You get it done up nicely before, then you could go out together and explore the area, buy food and cook meals together so that she can get to know the house and environs and get to experience living with you without commitment.

I would second other posters' opinion that you should not let her mother sell the house. I think this would be a very bad idea. While you are allowed to turn down all the offers you like, I suspect you would be put under pressure to accept. If you ended up selling at a price you didn't like because of the pressure, how would you feel? How would it affect your relationship with your girlfriend?