Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

pipsta

ViolaLass wrote: »

I have a couple of thoughts on this from trying to put myself in your girlfriend's shoes.

1. Prior to all this kicking off, what was the plan when she left uni? Was she going to move home or in with you or live elsewhere? Had she perhaps picked out a certain area, even if local, where she'd like to live? It's difficult to be specific without knowing the area but, for example, if she really likes walking in green, open areas, she might have imagined that she was going to live in such-and-such village once she'd finished uni and had therefore not imagined her life in your cottage.
Sure, she could change her mind but maybe she's not good at coping with change. It may sound silly but my OH and I are both like this. If we set ourselves on a certain course, we both need time to adapt to changes (obviously the time varies according to the seriousness of the thing being discussed and the amount of change proposed). Your girlfriend is going through a huge amount of change as it is, what with finishing uni coming home AND being pregnant.

2. You haven't mentioned your age. Are you older than her? Or, as you haven't mentioned going to university, have you been working and earning your own money for some years? If so, it may be that she doesn't feel equal in the relationship. I've had this with an ex who I absolutely adored but never felt equal with - he never treated me badly or really gave me reason to be insecure, I think it was just something I had to work through (and did).

Both of these are tricky and probably not easy to solve, even if your girlfriend recognises them as affecting her. If she does feel insecure, making you sell your house and move in with her parents is a good way to make you 'prove' you love her - I'm not saying you should do this, I'm just trying to put forward what she might be thinking.

I wonder whether if you've never lived together before, she can't really picture it, especially as you've stayed in this house and she hasn't. The alternate weekends thing is a good idea, I think. An extension of that could be the pair of you 'going on holiday' for a week to your house. You get it done up nicely before, then you could go out together and explore the area, buy food and cook meals together so that she can get to know the house and environs and get to experience living with you without commitment.

I would second other posters' opinion that you should not let her mother sell the house. I think this would be a very bad idea. While you are allowed to turn down all the offers you like, I suspect you would be put under pressure to accept. If you ended up selling at a price you didn't like because of the pressure, how would you feel? How would it affect your relationship with your girlfriend?

I am 28 she is 22

I studied when I was her age and now work full time.

I must emphasise I have no issues selling the house and have told her this, but she still has no interest in helping me with the cottage even though she knows i will sell it. She sees it as the sooner it is sold the sooner we can get a house together. I have just put a year of my life into this place should i sell it just because she cant wait to get a place together? Surely living in it for a year is not too much to ask until we get on our feet. Its also makes more sense as we are having a baby very soon.

Am I being selfish here?

Please be honest.

Primrose

pipsta - I'm getting very worrying vibes from the financial pressures your girlfriend seems to be wanting to put you under - firstly selling your cottage and buying and another house, and now selling your car and buying a bigger one. Presumably she's never earned any money yet, so has not built up her own track record of having to budget, and presumably she's also build up student debt which she is in no position yet to be able to start repaying. This is ringing big alarm bells for me in terms of the emotional pressure to spend money which you are being put under.

The two of you seem to have very different views on where you want to go moving forward. I wonder if the two of you would benefit from having a complete break from each other for a short period, despite her pregnancy, so that you can both try and think things through and have some mental space. You may only get one shot at sorting this relationship out and it's important that both of you do it with clear heads, and without pressure from other family members. I can't help wondering how much parental pressure is being applied here from your girlfriend's quarter.

And no, I don't think you're being selfish about wanting to live in your house for a while. It represents a large chunk of your time and efforts over the past year, which your girlfriend doesn't seem to be accepting and acknowledging. Is this the kind of reception that all your future efforts on behalf of your partner and children are going to be subjected to? I honestly think your girlfriend sounds too young and immature to come into this relationship determined to make a success of it. She is being offered security and a nice home which you have worked hard to provide. I think you're also right to be aware of the financial stresses and emotional strains that trying to find another home would cause, just before or just after a baby arrives. I think the fact that she has not yet acknowledged this may be just another sign of her immaturity and lack of self awareness.

You have put your offer on the table. I think it's time for her to decide now how she now moves forward. That is why I think both of you having a little time apart might help to sort things out in both your minds.

Errata

pipsta wrote: »

I am 28 she is 22

I studied when I was her age and now work full time.

I must emphasise I have no issues selling the house and have told her this, but she still has no interest in helping me with the cottage even though she knows i will sell it. She sees it as the sooner it is sold the sooner we can get a house together. I have just put a year of my life into this place should i sell it just because she cant wait to get a place together? Surely living in it for a year is not too much to ask until we get on our feet. Its also makes more sense as we are having a baby very soon.

Am I being selfish here?

Please be honest.

No, I don't think you're being selfish. You're prepared to meet her halfway by selling in a year's time - she needs to meet you half way by agreeing to that.

Clearly, you and she need to have a no holds barred discussion, but clearly before that happens you need to have a long, hard think. Try turning things round and think about how you would behave and feel if she had a housethat she'd bought and made ready for you to move into; would you be jumping for joy at the thought of being together, or would you dismiss it completely out of hand because it's not what you want?
Partnerships are all about negotiation and compromise with give and take on both sides. It looks like you're doing that but she's digging her heels in. Beware.

GlasweJen

I wouldn't sell the house and I wouldn't move in with her parents.

As someone who had, what I thought to be, a loving and trusting 5 year relationship with someone I would have went to the end of the earth for I can assure you that sometimes 2 people in a relationship wont always be reading from the same hymn sheet.

Her reluctance to move in with you despite being pregnant is a giant red light telling you that something isn't right in your relationship. I would sort out what this is before doing anything, and pregnancy can't be used as an excuse even "hormonal" women are able to make decisions.

RAS

Does your GF understand the costs of selling the house and re-purchasing?

Tot up purchasing price, costs, costs of materials, utilties, mortgage fees and paid etc and then add up EA fees, taxes, any redemptions fees, another lot of purchase fees and physical removal costs.

Now work out what you will get for the house. How much do you lose? £10K, £20K or £30K?

Do the same with your car.

Do not know what yu earn but we are tlaking the best part of a year's salary here.

Tish_P

I don't think anyone here would say you are being selfish. But it's not us you need to convince, is it? You can't go to her and say "84% of the internet agrees you should move in with me, pack your stuff."

I notice that when you got together, she was a 17 year old schoolgirl and you were a 23 year old adult with a degree and presumably a job. This brings up 2 worries: firstly, she's just always thought of you as having so much more money than her, that she simply doesn't understand that your spending has limits. Secondly and more fundamentally: she will have changed a lot while she was away at uni, and will be wanting your relationship to be different, and more equal, compared to back then when the age difference was more marked.

Her determination about wanting to choose a house that's yours-plural rather than yours-singular could be her way of expressing that desire. It might not be a very sensible way of expressing it, but the desire itself is understandable. Talk to her about all this, with a counsellor if need be.

Janey3

Your girl wants you to sell your lovely house
She wants you to sell your car
She wants you to move in with MIL
and also that MIL will be involved in the house sale

Sorry, alarm bells should be ringing.



Janey

onlyroz

Have you even considered renting out the house?

lynzpower

Do you understand the capital gains tax issues if you sell it without living in it?

UKTigerlily

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think the house sounds wonderful & would love to see some photos! If I was lucky enough to have someone take the time to create somewhere like this it'd mean more than just moving to a ready to live in place. Maybe she just wants her Mum & Dad close due to the first baby but I do think you need to insist she talks about her reasons x