Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

flower_72

I very much agree with LilacPixie. Maybe because I'm pregnant myself?
The pregnancy was unplanned and for months and still now I have thought, all the work and time put in building myself at work is going to be wasted, how am I going to cope with losing my financial independance?
When my husband complains that he will have to change this or that, I want to shout at him that what he sees as major changes are actually very small in comparison to those I have no choice but accept.
Not sure if I'm explaining myself well? In a nutshell, you have put money, time and effort in a place that you bought originally as an investment. Now you have changed your outlook and want to make a home of it because it makes sense and because you don't want that full year of evenings and weekends wasted.
She may be thinking, she has put time and efforts all those years doing a law degree in order to earn herself a life and a living. Everything has now changed. Right now she has little choice but to become a mother, has to put the life she saw for herself on hold for some years. Rethink her life alltogether.
A newborn, first time living full time with a boyfriend, in a house that she doesn't like must seem a hell of a hurdle. I can see the attraction of the safety of mum and dad's home when one is feeling very vulnerable.
Talk to her. Not about practicalities and logics of your thoughts but about how she feels, how she sees her future life with you and your child. Hopes, fears, etc. To me this is not about the house.

GlasweJen

The OP then goes on to say how he asked the girlfriends input and she isn't interested.

It isn't like they're married and he went behind her back and bought a house, the house was bought when they were in a long distance relationship and they hardly saw each other! It is sheer co-incidence that she is due baby just as the house is ready to be moved in to.

Also the house isn't even decorated so she could easily make it more "hers" if she was half way inclined.

Janey3

And he did consult his girl when he bought the house, she also wanted him to get onto the property ladder and was over the moon when the offer was accepted, so it wasn't all I.
Janey

pipsta

Just because I used the word missus doesn't mean I m some chav power hungry fiend. Sorry if it has offended anyone but it was purly a means of saying "other half" nothing ment by it.

And yes her and her mum are "very close" i think this could be the route of the problem, yes it is nice them being close but her mum has a lot of influence on her and does like to get involved alot more than i would like, hence my main concern to move in with her parents.

jackieglasgow

My mother sounds like your partner's. She stuck her oar in big time when my sister had her first child, and my sister - who was 19 at the time - was persuaded to stay home rather than move in with her BF (who is also about five years older). She finally moved out when her DD was about one, and my mother continued to stick her oar in, and does to this day, to the point where she interferes in the relationship between my niece and her parents. I would be careful if I were you.
You could also try the tact with your GF that the house may sell better if any viewers see a happy family living there. I think she just sounds a bit insecure and unsure of her abilities to parent, which probably come from having an overbearing mother, I know that was definitely my sister's problem - she's a fantastic mother, too!

BigBlackcat

OP, I find the term 'missus' quite endearing..

You are well within your rights to analyse the relationship between you girlfriend and her Mother.

You really need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend with regards to your future relationship..

Are you up to it???

*Louise*

OP have you spoken to her again since you started this thread?

Or do you have any idea which way you are going to go from here?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

would her mums hows not be cramped if you all moved in?

I think in honestly your missus (yes - i used the term missus!) is being selfish.

From the sounds of it you are wanting us to tell you that you should sell up, I wonder whether the missus has drilled it into you that you are selfish and you are looking for this to be justified?

You shouldnt sell a house purely because your GF says so. What kind of hold does she have on you?!

I could understand it if you was asking her to get a pre-nup etc but your not - so what exactly is her problem?! (I dont think it has anything to do with the house personally, if it isnt decorated and you have offered for her to be on the deeds i think it is just an excuse)

FBaby

I think she is very disappointed because like many, she fantasised about your home together, ie. where you would share your life as a family, would be the one you would go and look for yourself, going through all the motions of buying together, settling together, decorating together etc... To start with, you go ahead and buy a home on your own, she is bemused, but then you reassure her it is only for financial profit, so she is a bit on the defensive, but accept it. Then baby arrives, making the fantasy of the perfect family even more real, but suddenly, you retract what you have said to her and no more of the perfect picture of buying a house together. This house is yours only because she never got emotionally attached to it. Yes, you have said to her it would be temporary, but you already mislead her once, and since the reason why you don't want to move now is mainly because you have become attached to it (who wouldn't after so much dedication to it), why would she believe you that you will really be prepared to move in a year's time. There might be more reasons then why you might decide it is not the right time to move.

saying all that, yes, she is being unreasonable and her retaliating by saying that she will be staying at her parents, ie. doing to you what she thinks you are doing to her is indeed immature, but then she is still very young.

I would have a serious conversation with her, firstly apologising for the fact that what was supposed to be only a buy to get on the ladder is now starting to feel like a home to you, hence you wanting to stay for awhile, explaining to her that you had not envisioned how much all the hard work you put in it would make you experience a sense of achievement you want to be able to touch for a little time, then make an absolute promise than you really really want to share the experience of buying a family home together and that in 'x' time, you will no matter what want to sell.

ps: I am about to move in my partner's house after it is extended, except in my case it was also where he lived with his ex wife. We thought very hard whether that was the right decision, but agreed that for many reasons, it was indeed and I was happy with it. It's not easy though, I have owned my house and lived on my own with my kids for 6 years, so it will be a massive change for both of us. At the moment, the house does still feel very much like his, but I do very much hope that once we are there and there is no going back to mine, and with the extension that is changing the house drastically, it will feel like a new family home for both of us. It is not that easy though.

pipsta

I have now spoken to her and we have agreed that she stays with me 1 week at mine, 1 week at hers until the baby is born and then she would like to stay at home. I am happy with this up to the point of living with her parents when the baby is born. i dont mind this to start with i.e. first month just while she gets to grips with parenthood but beyond this iam not happy. I didnt argue this last night because i was just happy she would come and stay.

She wants to stay at home the alternate week because her mums boyfriend works lates alternate weeks and doesnt want to leave her mum at home on her own in the evening.

Am I being selfish if i think her mum should tell her its fine for her to be on her own? Trouble is her mum would not to do because she likes the company. I dont mind going round these weeks but I will be paying for a house thats only being lived in half the time.

Am I being selfish thinking we should be together in our own house now we are expecting a baby?