Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

lynzpower

Errata wrote: »

Sorry mate, this is so outrageous it's beyond belief. You're going to reap what these two women sow, and it won't benefit you or your child one little bit.

Yes, that bit really is beyond belief

Do either of these women have mental health problems ( ie the mum)

How is the mum qualified to sell the house, is she an estate agent?

evil_grrrl666

Errata wrote: »

Sorry mate, this is so outrageous it's beyond belief. You're going to reap what these two women sow, and it won't benefit you or your child one little bit.

Totally agree. Unless her mother is disabled/bedridden and actually needs help and constant supervision (which clearly she isn't as you said she's working as an estate agent) not wanting to leave her mother alone in the evenings is ridiculous. You both have never lived together and now having a baby together is a huge step. Surely you should be spending every possible moment together, trying to get used to this new development in your relationship. She's making the "living together" more like a temporary sleep over arrangement. This will mean she will NEVER feel at home in your house, because after all, she's only staying over temporarily. Unless you both decide on a proper living arrangement (your house or a rented one) I don't see how this will not end in tears. The last thing you want is your future MIL deciding how the little one is to be raised.

So, I would NOT live with her parents or sell the house - you are an adult who is allowed to make decisions that don't involve your girlfriend's mother. So is she but she's failing to see that.

I've lived with my (ex) boyfriend's parents when I moved to a new town (country, continent) for him. It was meant to be temporary until I learned the language and we could move out together. It ended up being 2.5 years and I had to twist his arm to finally move out (and break up soon after because finally I felt like I had a home, whereas he wanted to run back to mommy and daddy whenever we had the slightest argument). If her mom has such a huge hold over your girlfriend, you both will need to decide whether you will live together and where very soon or you probably won't get her out of that house at all. Make it absolutely clear to her that you will NOT live with her parents in her little fantasy world. You are either a family - just the two (soon to be three) of you. Or you are not. By making it seem like that is even an option, she conveniently doesn't have to choose so she won't.

As others have said, be completely honest with her, and yourself. And think about what else you will need to say yes ma'm to if you give in to this now.

Oldernotwiser

How did her mother manage being "home alone" when she was at university?

I still think that the money aspect comes into this. Is she claiming anything at the moment and do you think that she's looked at how much money she could claim as a lone parent compared to living with you on your salary?

lynzpower

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

How did her mother manage being "home alone" when she was at university?

I still think that the money aspect comes into this. Is she claiming anything at the moment and do you think that she's looked at how much money she could claim as a lone parent compared to living with you on your salary?

Or maybe if they live separately wouldn't the OP have to pay maintenance?

Suzanne_Louise

I think your partner's being totally unrealistic and really quite selfish I think her mother should be advising her that the best thing for you two and the little one would be for you to be living together, as a family. On those alternate weeks, why can't her mother stay at your house instead? It'll be far too unsettling for you guys and the little one to be shifted from pillar to post every week - as parents to a new born, you won't know if you're coming or going for a while. I feel for you, but you seem very grounded and commited, so I guess, ultimately, it's a decision only you can make. Good luck.

Make-it-3

The solution of alternate works proposed by your girlfriend isn't really workable - stability is what is needed to get into a routine as a new family. I know others have suggested you try it and she may come over to your way of thinking, but equally she may then just revert to staying permanently at her mother's when it becomes an impractical solution.

Is there enough room to invite her mother to stay with you both for the first few weeks, that is a much more normal scenario in which the MIL comes to help out/be involved with their newborn grandchild.

ema_o

I think the alternate weeks was for before the baby is born.

Op, I think you should go with what your gf says for now, despite like other posters being worried why gf has to look after her mum alternate weeks! It would be more normal for gf to visit her mum / have her over rather than actually have to live there.
I still don't think moving in with the in laws (even for a month) will be good for you, I hope that as gf spends time living with you between now and then she'll come round to cutting the apron strings.

Make sure gf has her own stuff at the cottage as much as poss to make it feel like home. If you know what shampoo / bath stuff she uses treat her to some to keep in the cottage, and a toothbrush 'so she doesn't need to pack this stuff'. Also make sure there is space in drawers so she doesn't have to live out of a suitcase!

Oldernotwiser

lynzpower wrote: »

Or maybe if they live separately wouldn't the OP have to pay maintenance?

Exactly. She may have worked out how much better off she could be by living at her parents.

lauren_1

I would serious consider telling her to cut the blinking apron strings and grow the heck up!

cattkitt

MIL from hell, and the daughter sounds totally under her thumb.