Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

misskaytee

Sorry, haven't had time to read all the postings so this may already of been covered, Would it make sense to rent the house out for a while, go and stay with her parents and see how things go from there?

Got to say though, something doesn't sound right, has she always felt this way about the house? or is it more of a recent thing since the news of her pregnacy? where you taking about moving in together before the baby?

Triggles

The biggest problem with these types of posts is that we're only getting the OPs view on this. He may be withholding information that perhaps doesn't make him look in the best light for all we know. Personally, I think that regardless of what anyone says - this is something you need to work out with her. This type of thread, where you present only your specific point of view, is only going to reinforce to you that "your view" is the "right view" and she is being unreasonable. She may very well not be. And any information you feed us regarding her or her family is going to be filtered by your opinions. When you're in a relationship, you need to learn to work out these decisions together by communicating. If you don't understand her reasons for not wanting to live there, then ask her about it in a non-confrontational way and look at her reasons with an open mind. Ask her if she is willing to make any compromises about it...work together to come up with a couple different solutions and then choose one you both can live with. If you can't sit down together and have a rational conversation about where you're going to live, how in the world are you going to raise a child together?

cattkitt

It looks like they're not. GF is going to do it with mummy, and BF gets a bit of a look in.

misskaytee

although its not really fair to judge your relationship, you have been together for 5 years, shes 22 so since she was 16, she's just finished uni 200 miles away, shes now pregnant and it was unplanned.

Her life has taken a sharp turn, but the excuses shes coming out with dont fill me with confidence about your future together, and for that im sorry, you obviously love her and want the best for you all. It doesn't come across that she feels as strongly as you do about the relationship.
It really doesn't make any sense.
You could propose but i dont think you will get a definate answer unless its a NO, also i have never wanted to get married myself, i've been with my OH for 10 years, not every woman wants a wedding! were happy as we are.
you could ask her whats she wants in the next 5 years from life?


How is she with you otherwise? when your not talking house or babies?

From my own experiance with my EX, we had been together for just over a year, and had lived together for about 6 months when i found out i was pregnant with my eldest daughter i was 20, one of my first insticts was to move out, some people would find that strange because up until that point we were pretty happy. I suppose i suddenly saw my whole life plotted out before me and got scared of how everything was going to change, My now EX managed to talk me round into staying, bending over backwards to try and make things perfect, we played happy families for the next 3 years, had another daughter, 6 months after she was born we both decided to split. We are still a family unit and he is very involved with the kids, and we get on well. Both us now agree that we were flogging a dead horse for the sake" doing the right thing" for DD1. A break up when kiddies are involved is never easy.

Maybe just maybe, your girlfriend is feeling a little of the same, she by going to uni had a certain plan of what she wanted to do for the next few years, all that will now of changed, if not then, at least put on hold for quite a few years....and BAM! theres a baby to consider.

Im sorry we can't Help you more, you sound like a lovely guy, unfortunatly life isn't straight forward, this is such a major event in both your lives, i do hope things work out with you both.

pipsta

You guys dont know how close her and her mum are together. My other half hasnt seen her dad for 10 odd years so this had made them very close. Her mum has recently gone through a marriage break down 2 -3 years ago so is quite fragile. Both are very loyal and caring people (probably the most loyal you would ever find) Girlfriend is very loyal to me as she is to her mum. I dont want to change this at is a lovely trait to have, trouble is, their bond is now getting between me and my girlfriend and the soon to be newborn hence the situation I am in now. Im a very laid back person Im not the type of person to say "right its me or your mum" because thats not fair and i would never put her to it like that.

I just would like her to see the practical and "real world" view on that being in the cottage be it mine or whatever for now is the most sensible choice. Yeah I want to live in it because of the hardwork involved but more import is a stable home for the little one and no tooing and frowing.

I need to clarify... i have told her i will live at her parents when the baby is born but not forever, trouble is she doesnt want to say if she will come to stay at the cottage until we can sell it and find a new house "together" Thats the bit iam not to comfortable with. I dont want to be stuck there. The first year of the little ones life is very important and i dont want to be told how to raise our child. I also dont think it is fair on my parents as the little is going to form a stronger bond with her mum/bf over my parents.

jackieglasgow

You need to tell her all of that. Good luck.

pipsta

This was one of the first things i told her. But she resents me buying the house so much she feels this way.

FatVonD

OP, a few of us have now mentioned the possibility of renting your property and using the income to rent somewhere else that is both of yours closer to her mum, have you considered this as I don't recall you replying with a reason why this might not work? I can understand you might be apprehensive if you have lovingly restored it but you have said that it's not fully decorated yet which is the thing that would take the most wear and tear. If it's just painted white it would be ideal for letting and you wouldn't be selling it in a downturn (or at all.)

I'm torn between dreading that you will sell your cottage against your will and beginning to think that you are being a little immovable in your stance on this and maybe your g/f is on another forum telling everyone her b/f is a control freak and everyone is telling her to steer well clear!

Errata

Whilst your GF's loyalty to her mum may be admirable, the fact is that the mum has had two husbands and now has a live in boyfriend. That suggests to me she may not that fragile and if she is she can lean on her BF - that's what a partnership involves.
I appreciate you don't want to be told how to raise your child, but it's pretty clear that's what's already happening.
Being laid back is fine, but it looks like it's making you a pushover.
You and the GF need to talk: Ask her over to yours for a week and get it thrashed out once and for all. That would not be unreasonable, although if she refuses it will clearly show you which way the wind is blowing.

jackieglasgow

So she does resent you buying the house? This is quite different from what you've said before, about her pushing you into it. Have you had the house valued (not by her mother), with a view to putting it on the market? It is quite possible to have a baby and move house quite close together, and it might be preferable to living with your MIL.