Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

cattkitt

What kind of "together" house does she have in mind? Would your pooled resources get you the type of abode she desires, all done up? Or does she want something that needs to be customised to her? If so, is she willing to bring up a newborn in an environment where there's perpetual DIY going on? Or does she have in mind that you jointly buy something, and then she remains with MIL and baby until you've done all the DIY she's specified?

Primrose

Pipsta - while one can appreciate your loyalty to your girl friend, and your acceptance of her close ties with her mother, you seem to be a little in denial that the reality of the situation has now moved on. You're no longer a single unattached chap without commitments, and your girlfriend has more pressing priorities than looking after her mother who appears to have a perfectly good new partner to care for her. Time is running out. Either you're going to be a new family unit together or you're not. You say you're "laid back about her relationship with her mother." Well, to be fairly blunt, you seem to be so laid back that you're asking to be trampled on all over as a result, and I can visualise you on here, a few months down the line, posting again that you are being completely sidelined out of your child's life by the mother and mother-in law and feel that you were merely the "sperm provider", unintentional though the pregnancy was. You're holding the purse strings here as the only earner in this family unit. I'm not saying that this should turn you into a dictator, but this is the financial reality of the situation which she needs to understand. You're offering a home and security to your girlfriend and your baby. If she's not mature enough to grasp this reality for the benefit of her child, then the future for you together looks bleak. For goodness sake, start asserting yourself and stop your girlfriend's mother from interfering. If necessary, sit down with her and ask her if she wants her daughter to live the sort of messed up life that she herself seems to have lived? If she doesn't, she should encourage her daughter to commit to living with you as a family unit from the start and put all her efforts into making your relationship a success. Allowing others to dictate your private family affairs never works, no matter how well intentioned they are.

Rikki

Where do you both live now? Together?

When my marriage broke up I was fragile and upset but it was a lot longer than two years before I met someone to share my life with. Her mother has moved on, she has a boyfriend and he's moved in. That's relationship commitment something she is not allowing you to have with her daughter.

lill

pipsta wrote: »

Trouble is the more i ask her for her input it, she goes quiet on me and says "its your house, you choose"

sorry mate but that bit there says to me loud and clear she doesn't want to live with you.


ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Ive just had another horrible idea... shes been 200 miles away from you at uni for what appears to be most of this relationship or at least for the last year or so... I dont even know if I want to think it out loud.

misskaytee

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Ive just had another horrible idea... shes been 200 miles away from you at uni for what appears to be most of this relationship or at least for the last year or so... I dont even know if I want to think it out loud.[/QUOTE]
I didnt want to put that either.............

Mojisola

lill wrote: »

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Ive just had another horrible idea... shes been 200 miles away from you at uni for what appears to be most of this relationship or at least for the last year or so... I dont even know if I want to think it out loud.

That's a horrible thought but it could explain her reluctance to commit to a life with pipsta.

meritaten

pipsta - you seem to be in denial here - you are actually accepting that your gf would prefer to live with mum than you! that is what it boils down to isnt it? its NOT the house unless its so remote she thinks it haunted, or has no amenities etc! your gf is making excuses to you - and even though you say you have had a discussion with her - she hasnt moved an inch has she? you still seem to be agreeing to everything SHE demands! I see a lifetime of you desperately trying to please this girl and her mother - and you know what????????????? you WONT succeed!!!

Caroline_a

I do think that, as others have said, you need to cut to the chase and ask some basic questions, as in 'do you want to be with me?', and if so 'why won't you move in with me?'. And then push for proper answers, not 'its your house' or any other rubbish like that. I sort of wonder if she is trying to keep you on the hook in that she doesnt really want you, but there isnt, currently, an alternative. Harsh, but unfortunately some women work like that.

On a lighter note, I wonder how her mother and boyfriend will cope with a new baby crying all hours of the day and night.... I know it isnt something I'd want on a daily basis now that mine are all grown up!

Primrose

I think Caroline_a may have possibly hit one of the nails on the head. This debate between you and your girlfriend seems to have been lingering on for some considerable time and I really think that if she was serious about you and your relationship she would already have moved in with you and be trying to create some kind of home together. It's quite possible that she's changed a lot while she's been away at university and the relationship you had at the beginning is not the same as the relationship you have now. Her aspirations may well have changed during that period, even if she hasn't admitted them to you honestly because her pregnancy has put her into a situation where certain doors have now been shut for her. Also, as somebody else has previously hinted, are you 100% sure in your own mind that she hasn't been involved in another relationship while she's been away, which may be causing her reluctance to commit to you right now? Are you 100% certain that a DNA test would confirm the child she's expecting is actually yours? Yes, blunt questions but you're being messed around here and you need to know if there's any deep underlying reason why she won't commit.

You can't go drifting on in this state of affairs indefinitely. It's too unsettling for both of you. Why not fix a time this week-end to sit down together without family interference and settle this dilemma once and for all? And if she's not prepared to move in and commit to being a family with you now, you'll know once and for all that she's not as devoted to you as you'd like to think. If that happens, you need to do some serious rethinking about your future.

choccybuttons

Hi

I havnt read replies but have skimmed your posts. Its seems to me she wants to be with her mum as she is frankly scared to death of having a baby - I was and I planned my pregnancy and was way older. Its not that its your house, tbh the house has nothing to do with it, its just not near enough for her to her mums house. Perhaps you could rent out 'your' house short term and rent a house/flat thats within walking distance of her mums, giving her the reassurance of having her mum on hand, yet giving the two of you time learn to be a couple who are parents too. Just dont let yourself be pushed out by her mum.