Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

Sambucus_Nigra

pipsta wrote: »

I bought the house at the time because she wanted me to get onto the housing ladder, purly with the intention of getting on the ladder. We didnt know at the time what she would be doing after uni, working home or away. I didn't buy the house intentionaly on my own to get my own way, i just wanted to get on the ladder whilst prices had hit rock bottom. The cottage was a dive when i bought it, damp, leaking but i saw so much potential for the price i couldnt sit on it. My partner was with me the day the offer was excepted and she was over the moon that i had just bought my first house. I have tried to include her as much as possible but with her being 200 miles away it was rather difficult. The house is not furnished yet and not painted to finishing colours (just white over new plaster) so plenty of decisions left to be had. Trouble is the more i ask her for her input it, she goes quiet on me and says "its your house, you choose"

Im trying so hard to make it as much as her's as mine ( even putting her down on deeds) its what I want, a home for both of us but she just will not come to the idea. I could understand if it were a sh*t hole but its not.

Ill try upload some photos.

Don't bother with the photos - this isn't about the house.

She's using the house as an excuse.

You need to sit down with her and go through your relationship and ask some pretty serious questions......

Rikki

I wonder if you sell the cottage and move in with her parents will you ever be able to persuade her to move out.
Would it be a means to an end of your relationship? Her always having her parents there on side and you full of resentment having given up your cottage and independence to live as your little family. Could you survive living at her parents? It's as much about you as her and YOUR baby.

You both need to sit down and talk. Does she really want you to be as involved in YOUR baby as she wants her mother to be? I fear she wants her independence, YOUR baby and her Mum.

I really don't understand how two people can create a baby together through love and then not live anywhere just so they can just to be together.
The condition of the first house which No1 son was born into I'd have jumped through hoops to live in a newly renovated cottage, new furniture chosen by me. I still have second had furniture from those early days or new to me as I like to put it.


When people used to get married first, move out and live together as a couple, build a nest BEFORE having children there wasn't so much of this problem.

pipsta

I think the key thing is here, we need to talk about it properly, up until now we have just said it will all work out in the end. Time to sit down and flush out the details me thinks.

Im to scared to think of the outcome though!

Jen151

emsywoo123 wrote: »

you are saying what sounds right but you seem to slip and have alot of "I" and "me" when talking about the house.

this jumps out to me too OP, this is how you describe the situation in your very first post

I've spent the last year doing up a 200 year old cottage for myself. Started from scratch and have had to do everything myself as on a tight budget.

this is understandable - you have put that work in & you love your cottage. but it sounds very much like YOUR thing. not trying to pick holes as you do sound like a good guy, but just the impression that comes across is that its your house no matter what... maybe your GF feels this too & it insecure about her future if things were to go wrong

hope you get it sorted out and good luck with the babba!

pipsta

Jen151 wrote: »

this jumps out to me too OP, this is how you describe the situation in your very first post

I've spent the last year doing up a 200 year old cottage for myself. Started from scratch and have had to do everything myself as on a tight budget.

this is understandable - you have put that work in & you love your cottage. but it sounds very much like YOUR thing. not trying to pick holes as you do sound like a good guy, but just the impression that comes across is that its your house no matter what... maybe your GF feels this too & it insecure about her future if things were to go wrong

hope you get it sorted out and good luck with the babba!

Like ive said before, ive tried everything to get her involved but she is not interested. All of the work has had to be done by myself as she has been away at university most of the time.

BigBlackcat

OP, you are going to have to have a difficult discussion with your girlfriend.

She is either going to present a united front with you or, quite simply, she is not yet ready for that level of commitment,

Be prepared that she is not ready. The pregnancy was unexpected, she is young and probably hoping for some kind of career.

Be prepared to protect YOURSELF and don't make any rash decisions that will jeopardise YOUR future security.

Tish_P

yeah, BigBlackCat, I wondered about that. The OP calls her his "missus", but it sounds like it's been a long distance relationship for most of its duration which is a very different thing indeed from setting up a household.

I do NOT agree with all the people calling her selfish or ungrateful - she's not his property just because she's pregnant by him, and she gets to choose where she lives. But a. she doesn't get to choose where he lives, and b. she should be honest about what she wants rather than make excuses and put off decisions.

Pipsta, I hope your conversation with your girlfriend goes well, and that whatever the outcome you find a solution that works for both of you, and most importantly for the kid when it arrives.

sleepystar1975

Hi There

Like many others have said, I think there are deeper issues going on rather than the house itself. Fear off commitment? Fear of losing the apron strings? Fear of "fending for herself", fear of having to spend her own money on living rather than being "kept" by her parents to name just a few.
One thing I will say about the house. I moved in with my boyfriend (now Dh) into a house he had bought with a former girlfriend. Although the former girlfriend has long moved out, and it was truely a batchlors pad, it still wasn't a house I would chose.
I hated the house with a passion at first, it never felt like my own. Even his parents would say "are you going back to [his] house" (Mind, we've now been married 13 years, and they STILL say that!). I then subtly put it to him that it doesn't feel like home. As I was at Uni at the time, moving financially wasn't a wise option, so we chose to redecorate. We chose everything together, even lightfittings and paintbrushes. Once we sat down in our living room, I finally felt like it was my home, and 14 years on, we are still here.

Suggest to her that you live together there till she's finished Uni, and that you are willing to redecorate to her taste (as far as finances will allow), or even have her input into furniture arrangement, just anything that'll allow her to put her mark on the place. As, like another poster has said, all your posts in regard to the house only involve I or me.
Her hormones are likely to be all over the place, and sometimes this can make you inreasonable (when I was pregnant, I cried because my bin in the kitchen was grey, and I wanted a black one!)
It sounds very much like you need to sit down and talk to her about what you both want for the future of your relationship, as if she is not willing to consider the house, and you really don't want to move in with her folks, there is no middle ground.

pipsta

Tish_P wrote: »

yeah, BigBlackCat, I wondered about that. The OP calls her his "missus", but it sounds like it's been a long distance relationship for most of its duration which is a very different thing indeed from setting up a household.

I do NOT agree with all the people calling her selfish or ungrateful - she's not his property just because she's pregnant by him, and she gets to choose where she lives. But a. she doesn't get to choose where he lives, and b. she should be honest about what she wants rather than make excuses and put off decisions.

Pipsta, I hope your conversation with your girlfriend goes well, and that whatever the outcome you find a solution that works for both of you, and most importantly for the kid when it arrives.

Most important thing here is our child when it is born. I think he/she needs the love from us both so me staying at the cottage and her at home with parents is not going to work. No its not right for me to make her feel she has to move in with me in the cottage but it is also night right for the make me move in with her parents. (parents both work during day so she will be on her own)

Looking at it from a practical point of view, a house together is the best option (and normal option for most couples) Be it "my" house or "her" house any house. Just selling it now and after all the hardwork and money spent doing it up seems a waste when, we are going to have start all over again in a new house with not alot of money and young baby.

Im all for selling the cottage but at least would like to enjoy all the effort and not have the hassel of moving/solicitors/mortgage etc during the early days of parenthood for the first time.

I would like to put it on the market at start of 2012 but other half wants it sold now so we can choose place together, good timing or not.

Errata

I would like to put it on the market at start of 2012 but other half wants it sold now so we can choose place together, good timing or not.

She's away with the fairies if she thinks a house will sell simply because it's up for sale. I think she needs a reality check on how life actually is outside a cloistered university and cushioned childhood home.