Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

MrsTinks

Have you thought of showing her a home you can afford together - either with renting out the cottage (it's yours, your investment and your bloody hard work - don't let anyone guilt you into selling if you don't want to!) or even with selling it? Not a "do-er upper" because trust me you do NOT want to be embarking on any DIY with a newborn if you can avoid it... so YOUR salary alone... and then on joint salaries (remember to take into account child care costs!) and let her see with her own eyes how much better the cottage is...
I'd kill to live in a gorgeous cottage!

And I live in the house my husband bought before I met him and he become my husband I'm on the deeds and the mortgage, we share the costs - it doesn't matter a pip to me that HE bought and chose it - I've moved my junk in and it's as much mine as his now! If anyone has reason to complain it's my ex's wife I picked the house, I put the ground work in for a lot of the designs and she has to live in it knowing she's living somewhere I chose... not even that HE chose (because I picked it! HA!)

Somewhere my partner and father of my child picked? Honest... I don't see the problem!
Sorry but you will have to explain how give and take works... relationships are about BOTH parties compromising.
And not meaning to be horrid but I think that she might find motherhood a bit of a shock! You can't stomp your feet till you get your own way with babies...

amersall

Bonny1 wrote: »

This is really simple.. Your girlfriend does NOT want to leave home... or her Mother, she's pulling every excuse imaginable to prevent her having to move into your beautifully renovated Cottage.. Selling right now, would be a huge mistake... keep you cottage, it's yours..

I would question your relationship as a whole Sweetheart, you sound like a real diamond, and well, maybe it's just not worth fighting it.

Good luck honey, I really think your going to need it...

I am with you on this, wish i could move into a renovated cottage for free. To op,i will move in with you like a shot!!!, let her go to mummy (how old is she by the way?)
Dont give up something you have worked hard for. Btw, has she not wanted to move in from you buying it and renovating?.

Primrose

Pipsta - renting another cottage somewhere else is just a diversionary tactic. What it's saying is "What you're offering isn't good enough for me. I want something else", in whatever excuses it is draped.

Yes you love her. And she says she loves you. But two people loving each other isn't enough to form the basis of a lifelong relationship unless, right from the start, those people love each other enough to pull together in the same direction. This isn't happening now, and my guess is that it certainly won't happen after the baby arrives, when "the baby" will be used as yet another excuse around which all your compromises will be expected to conform to. This lass will go on wanting something different all the time until you are so screwed up with despair that your self confidence and sense of worth will vanish into oblivion.

Yes you may not see so much of the early life of your baby if the relationship fails. But looking at it in a very hard nosed way, this won't be the end of your life and hopefully if that happens you will go on to meetin somebody else who will want to pull in the same direction as you and have a family where you can all be together. Whatever you do, DON'T put your cottage in joint names now. This relationship is too rocky and uncertain and you will lose 50% of the money you've put into it, (and all the physical help put in by your parents too). I wonder what they thinking about all this? They must be in despair about what's happening to you.

I really think, however hard it's going to be for you, it's time to step back and reflect on how your life might be in the long term, rather than the short term, now. You've behaved very honourably, and are now in danger of being taken for a mug, if you will permit me to be so honest. You sound as if you need a break from all this. Can you take a few days off to go away and clear your head? You need some space for quiet reflection.

pipsta

Primrose wrote: »

Pipsta - renting another cottage somewhere else is just a diversionary tactic. What it's saying is "What you're offering isn't good enough for me. I want something else", in whatever excuses it is draped.

Yes you love her. And she says she loves you. But two people loving each other isn't enough to form the basis of a lifelong relationship unless, right from the start, those people love each other enough to pull together in the same direction. This isn't happening now, and my guess is that it certainly won't happen after the baby arrives, when "the baby" will be used as yet another excuse around which all your compromises will be expected to conform to. This lass will go on wanting something different all the time until you are so screwed up with despair that your self confidence and sense of worth will vanish into oblivion.

Yes you may not see so much of the early life of your baby if the relationship fails. But looking at it in a very hard nosed way, this won't be the end of your life and hopefully if that happens you will go on to meetin somebody else who will want to pull in the same direction as you and have a family where you can all be together. Whatever you do, DON'T put your cottage in joint names now. This relationship is too rocky and uncertain and you will lose 50% of the money you've put into it, (and all the physical help put in by your parents too). I wonder what they thinking about all this? They must be in despair about what's happening to you.

I really think, however hard it's going to be for you, it's time to step back and reflect on how your life might be in the long term, rather than the short term, now. You've behaved very honourably, and are now in danger of being taken for a mug, if you will permit me to be so honest. You sound as if you need a break from all this. Can you take a few days off to go away and clear your head? You need some space for quiet reflection.

Everybody has being saying the same thing, im starting to see it the same way, she wants it all her way. She keeps saying to me that i have it all my way! .

She went to university far away, I supported her, she went abroad for a year (wasnt neccessary) for her degree, I supported her.

She thinks im getting everything my own way and by moving in with me she is adding fuel to that fire.

Can I add that her mums husband left her for another woman because he thought she was controlling him

pipsta

bottom line is i dont want to make her do anything she doesnt want to do, thats why i am trying to make it as easy as possible for her but she is unwilling to make a decision until a month after baby is on scene

Errata

In case you hadn't noticed - it's your baby as well and it's about time you started sticking up for it. Failing that, you need to research contact and access, CSA and probably Families Need Fathers as well.

Elle7

pipsta wrote: »

bottom line is i dont want to make her do anything she doesnt want to do, thats why i am trying to make it as easy as possible for her but she is unwilling to make a decision until a month after baby is on scene

And then she'll say baby is settled now, his/her things are here, my mum will be lonely, and then just revert to saying you are trying to get your own way again.

I really think this needs sorting before baby comes along...

pipsta

Elle7 wrote: »

And then she'll say baby is settled now, his/her things are here, my mum will be lonely, and then just revert to saying you are trying to get your own way again.

I really think this needs sorting before baby comes along...

Ive voiced these exact same concerns to her.

Caroline_a

I think you know what to do, Pipsta. From what I can see, all the give has been on your side, and the take on hers. She will find things a whole lot different when she's on her own all day with a crying baby, and mum is out at work. How will she cope then?

Mum also will find that it's all very well having daughter and grandchild at first, but, believe me, one of the reasons that we are designed to have children in our early adulthood rather than middle age is that we don't like the disruption and lack of sleep that it brings to our lives!! And I say that having had 3 children myself, but the thought of a crying baby at home permanently fills me with horror!

pipsta

Caroline_a wrote: »

I think you know what to do, Pipsta. From what I can see, all the give has been on your side, and the take on hers. She will find things a whole lot different when she's on her own all day with a crying baby, and mum is out at work. How will she cope then?

Mum also will find that it's all very well having daughter and grandchild at first, but, believe me, one of the reasons that we are designed to have children in our early adulthood rather than middle age is that we don't like the disruption and lack of sleep that it brings to our lives!! And I say that having had 3 children myself, but the thought of a crying baby at home permanently fills me with horror!

Trouble is she thinks im getting it all my way.
Maybe i am a bit but hey, when i bought the house it was for me and who is paying for all this.

Im now trying to provide for my new family but she wants it all on her terms.