Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

Caroline_a

All her own way?? Why don't you set it down on paper, 2 halves, one marked 'her wishes' and one marked 'my wishes', then see if there is any common ground. Or maybe let her do her own 'my wishes' and then sit and compare? Maybe give each wish a mark, ie 1 = not particularly important, 5 = vital.

Depending on how you end up rating common ground that will then give you a discussion basis to move along with, rather than avoiding issues which it appears that she is. Maybe one 'wish' that needs to be rated by both is 'Staying together'

Mojisola

pipsta wrote: »

Everybody has being saying the same thing, im starting to see it the same way, she wants it all her way. She keeps saying to me that i have it all my way! .

She went to university far away, I supported her, she went abroad for a year (wasnt neccessary) for her degree, I supported her.

She thinks im getting everything my own way and by moving in with me she is adding fuel to that fire.

Can I add that her mums husband left her for another woman because he thought she was controlling him

pipsta wrote: »

Trouble is she thinks im getting it all my way.
Maybe i am a bit but hey, when i bought the house it was for me and who is paying for all this.

Im now trying to provide for my new family but she wants it all on her terms.

pipsta - heavens knows what your parents are thinking! If you were my son, I'd want to give you a good shake and wake you up!

You've supported her in whatever she wanted to do.

You only bought the house because your GF and her mother badgered you into getting on the housing ladder. You kept asking your GF for input into the design/choice of paint/kitchen/bathroom but she wouldn't get involved so you made the decisions. You've offered to change the decor to whatever her choice is so that the cottage feels like hers.

You now don't want to sell your investment - of time and money - and she thinks you're having everything your way!

getmore4less

It is probably worth giving some more time to see which way she turns

Rent out your cottage this is a long term investement now and it's your project(thats been made clear)

Move in with Mum and take over the place become the man of the house and make it clear thay you are.

Move into the best bedroom ensuite if there is one the Mum moves to second best.

You have the remote for the TV, expect your dinner on the table when you get home from work, clothes washed and ironed etc.

Have your mates round when you want.

If the Mum trieds to become dominant throw the fact her husband left her back in her face and that she is trying to push you out as well and you won't stand for it.

warehouse

pipsta wrote: »

I tried to refer to the house as ours but she resents this and keeps implying it is mine.

I haven't read the 11 pages past this. She needs to grow up and stop acting like a baby.

Mojisola

getmore4less wrote: »

It is probably worth giving some more time to see which way she turns

Rent out your cottage this is a long term investement now and it's your project(thats been made clear)

Move in with Mum and take over the place become the man of the house and make it clear thay you are.

Move into the best bedroom ensuite if there is one the Mum moves to second best.

You have the remote for the TV, expect your dinner on the table when you get home from work, clothes washed and ironed etc.

Have your mates round when you want.

If the Mum trieds to become dominant throw the fact her husband left her back in her face and that she is trying to push you out as well and you won't stand for it.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I think pipsta is too nice to do this but it would be very funny to watch the reactions from GF and MiL!

emlou2009

I've read this whole thread, started off with sympathy for the OP but now just want to bang the heads together of the pair of them!

Op, youe constant ''am I selfish?'' can only be answered so many times before it gets boring.

You seem to need constant validation. She needs to grow up and see the bigger picture here.

Sit down with the girlfriend and her mother. Voice your concerns. Be firm but fair and stick to your guns. Grow a pair! All this to-ing and fro-ing, he saids and she saids are getting you nowhere!

There must be something else in this that we're not being told. After reading 20 pages of this I started to wonder if this is all for real!

meritaten

thanks for the update pipsta.

I have followed this thread from the begining and posted before so you know my views already.

I would just like to say that I can understand why you feel that moving in with her mum for a month is do-able and I CAN understand that she would want to be with her mum for a couple of weeks or so while she is learning to be a mum herself. I do know of mums who have moved in with daughters for a few days or a week or so to help with baby (I did so myself with my daughter, but the circs were very different....daughter was ill and unable to look after her first child and I mainly did that and the housework). BUT, saying 'we will cross that bridge when we come to it' to my mind means that she has no intentions of moving out!
you say that she says she loves you? she certainly has a funny way of showing it! or does she only love you when you are her lapdog? has she always been a control freak or is it her mum who controls HER?
My advice echoes many on here - tell her she either comes home with you after the month or she stays with her mum, but without you! and that it will be permanent. make sure that you are on the birth certificate hun, is my advice, I have a feeling you may need that in future.
I am so sorry I cannot be more positive, you sound like a lovely person and deserve better treatment than this!

Mojisola

emlou2009 wrote: »

Sit down with the girlfriend and her mother. Voice your concerns. Be firm but fair and stick to your guns. Grow a pair! All this to-ing and fro-ing, he saids and she saids are getting you nowhere!

I wouldn't advise bringing the mother into the discussions! This a problem between a couple and they need to work it out between themselves.

barbiedoll

I think it's about time that someone told this woman just how lucky she is. A newly-renovated cottage to move into with her new baby...not good enough. A man who is thrilled to be a new father and ready and willing to support his child and his partner...not good enough. Honestly, how much more do you have to do for her to be good enough? I think that you should tell her that she's damned lucky to have a ready-made home for her and the baby, especially at a time when so many families are staring repossession and homelessness in the face. I don't particularly love my house, it's too small, too old and I'm still living with the bedroom wallpaper chosen by the previous occupants. But it's our family home and I consider myself lucky to have a roof over my head and my family safe and warm at night.

Tell her mother to mind her own business and to let her daughter grow up and stop pandering to her. My mum wouldn't have dreamed of demanding that my husband moved in with her when I had my baby, any more than she would dream of telling him what house to buy and where. No wonder this woman's husband left her, now she won't let her daughter (and grand-child) go, she is obviously scared of being alone. That is not your problem but if you move in there, it will be.

Tell your girlfriend that either she and the baby move in with you ONE WEEK after the birth (plenty of time to get used to feeds etc) or else she will be a single parent. Tell her that you will be on the birth certificate and you will be seeing your child, whether she and her mother like it or not. Tell her that you are seeking legal advice about access and that you are going to be a father to your child, even if you are not her partner. And then let her stew. She won't want to be a single parent, a mother's support is not the same as a partner's, she will realise just how much she needs you when the baby is born. And you may find that she soon gets sick and tired of her mother's interference. Be bold and don't back down, you will get nowhere if you do. I hope she comes to her senses and realises what she has to lose.

emlou2009

Yes it is a problem between the couple, but if the mother is guilting the girl into staying there then there is no point trying to leave the mother out of the discussions, she will dither over any decisions until she can talk them over with mummy. Talking to them together the OP might be able to actually sort something out, and she is involved as its her house they will be living in part time and she is the one trying to force house viewings on them!