Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

Primrose

pipsta wrote: »

When I tell her the reason i am upset, she goes on the defensive again saying to me "you know how i feel about the house"

All she keeps saying is "you bought the house and its yours and your parents" its not mine and my parents at all. Yes they helped me with the renovation but thats just them helping me along otherwise it would of took me longer on my own. What ever I do i cannot win.

Pipsta - She apparently keeps emphasising that the house is yours - and your parents because of the effort they put into it to try and support you This is no different from the support she's receiving from her mother over the baby? This is just parents doing what parents do for their children, so if she's using this as a weapon, just ask yourself if the rest of your relationship there's going to be a continual battle of resentment from her towards your parents and the part they play in your life.

You seem to be falling over yourself to accommodate her, and I fear that you love her so much that you're allowing her to walk all over you and turn your life into a misery. Ask yourself in the cold light of day whether similar episodes might follow in other areas of your life as time progresses, e.g. if you take another job she doesn't want you to take, if you get involved in a hobby that she doesn't like, etc.

This business of the house just seems to be going on, and on and on........It's time for you to knock it on the head and say "This is my offer. I'll live temporarily for a month at your Mum's house after the baby is born but after that we move into our own home and be a family until the time is ripe and suitable for us to move into another home we've chosen together. If you can't accept that, you're saying that what I'm offering isn't good enough and we don't have a future together."

Just put yourself out of your misery before it drags you down into a pit of despair. It's better to implement a strategy, rather than allowing yourself to be sucked into a situation over which you have no control.

pipsta

Errata wrote: »

If you stay at her mum's for the first month and at the end of it expect her and your child to move in with you ior you, her and the baby move into a rented place - you're dreaming. She won't leave her mum's because she'll tell you she can't cope with the baby on her own, your place is too far from her mum's, and you're being cruel and unkind to her to suggest that she moves.

I dont know why the location is anything to do with it, her mum works full time so she will be on her own wherever she is

pipsta

Primrose wrote: »

Pipsta - She apparently keeps emphasising that the house is yours - and your parents because of the effort they put into it to try and support you This is no different from the support she's receiving from her mother over the baby? This is just parents doing what parents do for their children, so if she's using this as a weapon, just ask yourself if the rest of your relationship there's going to be a continual battle of resentment from her towards your parents and the part they play in your life.

You seem to be falling over yourself to accommodate her, and I fear that you love her so much that you're allowing her to walk all over you and turn your life into a misery. Ask yourself in the cold light of day whether similar episodes might follow in other areas of your life as time progresses, e.g. if you take another job she doesn't want you to take, if you get involved in a hobby that she doesn't like, etc.

This business of the house just seems to be going on, and on and on........It's time for you to knock it on the head and say "This is my offer. I'll live temporarily for a month at your Mum's house after the baby is born but after that we move into our own home and be a family until the time is ripe and suitable for us to move into another home we've chosen together. If you can't accept that, you're saying that what I'm offering isn't good enough and we don't have a future together."

Just put yourself out of your misery before it drags you down into a pit of despair. It's better to implement a strategy, rather than allowing yourself to be sucked into a situation over which you have no control.

Iam feeling that this is what i am going to have to do, trouble is I love her and Dont want to be apart from my unborn child and at the moment the only way thats going to happen is for me to throw away all i have worked for in the last year. It doesnt stop there though, I of course are going to have to "do up" the next house and at this moment in time Im so "drained" phsically and mentally from the last year of renovation I just dont have it in me just yet and of course I have baby to help look after too.

I have told her this but its still not having any affect on how she feels.

pipsta

Will i be a bad dad if i say to her I am going to live back at the cottage a month after baby is born and if she doesnt want to follow She'll be on her own to feed at night etc?

Of course I dont want to have to do this as I want to be there every moment but if i dont, like some of you have said she is going to walk all over me for the rest of my life.

Errata

pipsta wrote: »

Will i be a bad dad if i say to her I am going to live back at the cottage a month after baby is born and if she doesnt want to follow She'll be on her own to feed at night etc?

Of course I dont want to have to do this as I want to be there every moment but if i dont, like some of you have said she is going to walk all over me for the rest of my life.

TBH I think she's making it perfectly clear that you are surplus to requirements. Can you think of one single thing you've done over the past years that she's been overjoyed about ?

RacyRed

pipsta wrote: »

I dont know why the location is anything to do with it, her mum works full time so she will be on her own wherever she is

Yup, but in her mum's home, with the things of her childhood around her and her trust remaining with the one person she has always trusted, her mum, not you I'm afraid Pipsta.

In the evenings both you and mum get home from work, how much effort is she going to put into ensuring that you get some quality tme with her and your baby? Or is it going to be a case of Mum and your g/f playing happy families with baby while you are on the outside looking in?

My advice to you would be to spell it out for her, either she commits to your joint future together and accepts one of the many options you have offered her, or you have to accept that her reluctance means that she isn't ready for what you have offered yet.

The more I read your posts, the more convinced I am that if you move into her mum's home you are going to get hurt a whole lot more than if you confront this impasse now.

pipsta

Errata wrote: »

TBH I think she's making it perfectly clear that you are surplus to requirements. Can you think of one single thing you've done over the past years that she's been overjoyed about ?

Nope:(...............

RacyRed

pipsta wrote: »

Nope:(...............

pipsta, you are seeing the writing on the wall now aren't you.

((((((((((hugs hun)))))))))))))

You deserve better. Much as you love her, you cannot make her love you the same way.

pipsta

RacyRed wrote: »

Yup, but in her mum's home, with the things of her childhood around her and her trust remaining with the one person she has always trusted, her mum, not you I'm afraid Pipsta.

In the evenings both you and mum get home from work, how much effort is she going to put into ensuring that you get some quality tme with her and your baby? Or is it going to be a case of Mum and your g/f playing happy families with baby while you are on the outside looking in?

My advice to you would be to spell it out for her, either she commits to your joint future together and accepts one of the many options you have offered her, or you have to accept that her reluctance means that she isn't ready for what you have offered yet.

The more I read your posts, the more convinced I am that if you move into her mum's home you are going to get hurt a whole lot more than if you confront this impasse now.

This is what i am afraid of. Dont get me wrong i her mum to bits (nothing like that ) but she does get involved to much. She has re-assured me that she will leave me my partner to it but as with a lot of things that come out of her mouth i think its all talk.

The little things like changing nappies although horrible lol I want to be doing it and i know if we are there all we will get is, "oo ill do that for you, can i feed him/her" which i dont mind but i got a feeling it will be rather often if you know what I mean.

Mrs_Z

Well, you'll have a hell of a lot of stress upon you if you decide to bow into our girlfriends demands. Not only will you both be first time parents and your life is about to change forever, on top of that you'd be dealing with estate agents, people coming to your cottage for viewings and you and your girlfriend looking for another to buy for yourselves. Can you both not agree that a) you will sell the house in 2012 when the baby is a little bit bigger and b) she moves in with you in the meantime? That way you both compromise. I find it odd that she chooses to stay with her mother rather than you - something is not right here. She's either really spoilt or scared and somehow does not trust that you'll cope together with the baby and is using the house as an excuse.