Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

pipsta

Mrs_Z wrote: »

Well, you'll have a hell of a lot of stress upon you if you decide to bow into our girlfriends demands. Not only will you both be first time parents and your life is about to change forever, on top of that you'd be dealing with estate agents, people coming to your cottage for viewings and you and your girlfriend looking for another to buy for yourselves. Can you both not agree that a) you will sell the house in 2012 when the baby is a little bit bigger and b) she moves in with you in the meantime? That way you both compromise. I find it odd that she chooses to stay with her mother rather than you - something is not right here. She's either really spoilt or scared and somehow does not trust that you'll cope together with the baby and is using the house as an excuse.

I have sugested this too her but she is so hung up on the fact that i bought the house on my own last year (please read reasons for doing so) that she will not move in with me.

RacyRed

pipsta wrote: »

This is what i am afraid of. Dont get me wrong i her mum to bits (nothing like that ) but she does get involved to much. She has re-assured me that she will leave me my partner to it but as with a lot of things that come out of her mouth i think its all talk.

The little things like changing nappies although horrible lol I want to be doing it and i know if we are there all we will get is, "oo ill do that for you, can i feed him/her" which i dont mind but i got a feeling it will be rather often if you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean.

Then it is time to lay down the foundations for your future relationship together in a firm and understanding manner. And any agreed changes start today, not after the baby is born, it is way too late then.

If she is still adamant that she does not want to make a family with you and your baby then you have little choice but to accept that for what it actually is. Lack of committment to you as a husband and father.

kegg_2

I wouldn't even move into the mothers for the month after the baby is born.

You have a perfectly good home of your own and dont need to live in someone elses.
Maybe if you refused point blank to move in and took a tougher approach with her she might come to her senses?

If not then all it has done is brought forward your break up as by the sound of it unless she cuts the apron strings and starts putting you, the unborn child and your relationship first then you dont have a long term furture together and the sooner you accept that the sooner this matter will be resolved one way or another.

Caroline_a

I know it's hard, but have you thought about saying 'Ok, do you want us to have a future or not?' Tell her that you feel that you're being pushed out, and if she wants you to walk away then you will do it.

I get the feeling, as many have said, that she wants to be with mum and you and won't give either up. Unfortunately that is not a marriage/partnership, it's 2 women dictating the shots! I think we all feel for you, but sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, and if she won't move in with you, then you have to make a stand.

Not what you want to hear, I know, but somehow better to make a break now than in 5 years time. Of course... the house would be half hers if she waited until then.......

pipsta

This all sounds a rather easy thing to do but i dont want to loose out on those first few months of our babys life, if i put it to her like that and she says no, im not going to see my baby, or her. if i do this then go back on my word and move in with them permently she is going to do this to me for the rest of our lives

RacyRed

pipsta wrote: »

This all sounds a rather easy thing to do but i dont want to loose out on those first few months of our babys life, if i put it to her like that and she says no, im not going to see my baby, or her. if i do this then go back on my word and move in with them permently she is going to do this to me for the rest of our lives

No Pipsta, it isn't an easy thing to do at all. We honestly know that. But for your own future well being, it may be a necessary thing to do.

As you say, if you go back on your word she will be doing this to you for the rest of your life, but if you don't push the issue now, she will also be doing this to you for the rest of your life.

She has to learn that there are limits to how far she can push you, she hasn't seen that yet and you must be fair and show her them. It isn't fair on you or her to back down to her now then feel the resentment slowly build up in you over the years, as you reallise the life together you had hoped for is never going to happen.

You also have to accept that she might continue to be unwilling to compromise, in which case you face the choice of accepting her dominance over you for the rest of your relationship or walking away now. I do know how hard that is to do when you love someone deeply, but sometimes there really is no choice.

Only you really know what is right for you pipsta.

Errata

pipsta wrote: »

I have sugested this too her but she is so hung up on the fact that i bought the house on my own last year (please read reasons for doing so) that she will not move in with me.

It reads to me like she's using it as a hook to hang on the fact that she doesn't want to leave her mum, doesn't want to share taking care of your child with you and you alone and - frankly - doesn't much care what you think about that.
I honestly don't know where you go from here, but feel pretty sure she does.

ema_o

Pipsta, not sure if councelling has been suggested already (I suspect it has), maybe that would help.

I do think your gf is being selfish and I can't really see things from her point of view, but maybe councelling would help you work things through.
I think the compromise that you will stay with her and her parents for the first month is probably worth making for the sake of your child, but after that I would stick to your guns and move out (if you don't want to spend the rest of your life doing what she says). I would establish that this is the plan now though and not put up with wishy washy "we'll see what happens" comments like that.

I know this was mentioned and dismissed before, but I do still think you should look into renting somewhere and renting out your cottage. If you can get eg £600 a month for your cottage, and can find somewhere to rent for £500 a month you are more than covering your costs but have the option of picking somewhere your gf is happy with. Plus the bonus for you that there should be no decorating!! Some friends of mine did exactly this when they found out they were expecting and it turned out to be a really good solution.

flutterby_lil

Bloody hell, what a hard one mate! I think to her it is "my way or the highway" - she has not got one ounce of compassion or compomise at all from what I have read - i really feel for you and wish you all the best.

I feel that if you go for a month she will make it out that you are the bad one for leaving after a month, it is a no win situation for you mate!!

FatVonD

I disagree with all those telling the OP not to move into the parents for that month, if things do go all a bit 'Jeremy Kyle' and he is wanting contact with his baby how is that going to look? (He deserted us before the baby was born, etc etc.) Plus he'd miss out on bonding with the baby in the first few weeks.

I still think rental is the best option all round, OP, bite the bullet and get the agents round, it has to be better than the alternatives, surely? (Not to mention that it'll protect your house if you do split up as she won't be living there.)