Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

Mojisola

pipsta -I've obviously got too much time on my hands today - I've been back through your posts and picked these quotes out -

I've spent the last year doing up a 200 year old cottage for myself. Started from scratch and have had to do everything myself as on a tight budget.

I bought the house at the time because she wanted me to get onto the housing ladder, purly with the intention of getting on the ladder.

Yes she resents the cottage "my creation" but i bought the house to get on the property ladder at the lowest point. Before i bought the house i was crazed by her and her mum to get a house so i did!

My partner was with me the day the offer was accepted and she was over the moon that i had just bought my first house.

GF was over the moon that i got a house, its only as time has gone on and her being away I have cracked on with doing the house up myself she has become more and more resentful toward it.

I have tried to include her as much as possible but with her being 200 miles away it was rather difficult. The house is not furnished yet and not painted to finishing colours (just white over new plaster) so plenty of decisions left to be had. Trouble is the more i ask her for her input it, she goes quiet on me and says "its your house, you choose"

I have not tried to make it into a bacholour pad or anything like that and have always wanted her to move in with me hence me asking her for her views on how to decorate. Its only been in the last couple of months i have put in the kitchen, floor, carpet etc. We chose carpet together, kitchen units together but i dont think her heart was really in any of the decisions. she has her heart set on a "fresh start together"

I have asked her for her input on house, like you say to try get her to feel as if it is part hers ( offered to put name on deeds also) but it seems the more i ask her for her opinion the more she digs her heels in.

She doesnt like the fact that it is "my" house even though i have asked time and time again for her input

I tried to refer to the house as ours but she resents this and keeps implying it is mine.

Im trying so hard to make it as much as her's as mine ( even putting her down on deeds) its what I want, a home for both of us but she just will not come to the idea.

Thats where the problem lies, she wants the house gone asap, she has said she wants me to enjoy the house but i think out of stubboness (there i said it) that she wont move in full time with me.

Next bit of news, her mum (estate agent), wants us to go and look at a couple of properties she has on her books.. hmmm

If you heard this story from someone else, what would your reaction be? What would you advise the man to do?

chrissyan

Personally, I don't think the reason's are complicated. I just think she doesn't like the house and/or it's location & her mum agrees with her.

Tuesday_Tenor

Personally, I don't think the reason's are complicated. I just think she doesn't like the house and/or it's location & her mum agrees with her.

You could be right.
Having compromised on her future career plans for motherhood, further compromise on the housing may just be too much for her.

However, given that
a) The girl will be giving birth soon
and
b) Neither the girl nor her mother have offered, as far as we know, any financial input to another plan

then many of us share Pipsta's bewilderment that 'a new house' is being demanded NOW when there is a servicable one available for their first year or so as a new family. It's a compromise that most women WOULD be willing to make, I think.

To me it seems that the girl doesn't actually want 'the new family'.

nm123_2

Hi Pipsta - just wondered if there were any updates to your situation at all?

tesuhoha

Maybe you should go with her to look at the house and once you've moved into it refuse to do any work on it because 'its not your house'.

Absolutely ridiculous when there are couples unable to get mortgages, couples who would love a one bed flat together let alone a beautiful cottage.

pipsta

No further forward guys, Its really starting to hit me now too. Im struggling at home (alone) and now at work. Its really getting me down.

jackieglasgow

You need to sit down and talk honestly with her, and tell her that you feel your feelings are being overwritten and over ridden by hers. Have you thought about counselling, maybe someone neutral will help you both talk this through in a productive way? Good luck

pipsta

jackieglasgow wrote: »

You need to sit down and talk honestly with her, and tell her that you feel your feelings are being overwritten and over ridden by hers. Have you thought about counselling, maybe someone neutral will help you both talk this through in a productive way? Good luck

Ive tried talking to her about it again the other day and re-assured her that i will happily stay with her at her mums for the first month after the baby is born as I know it will be tough for her but its whats happening after that month that I am not happy with. She wont talk about it either, she keeps saying we will cross the bridge when we get to it. In the meantime im suffering through uncertainty.

Primrose

It's really sounding as if she's developing cold feet about your relationship, or her mother is exerting undue influence on her to which she's becoming increasingly susceptible. If I was getting that close to my baby being born and I was 100% committed to the father of my child I would be wanting to move in, settle down and have a permanent secure home in which to start off our family life together.

She's just blanking you. The reason for that, I would hazard a guess, is that she doesn't have the courage to admit to you that she's having long term doubts about the viability of your future together. Perhaps it's time for you to back off completely for a few weeks, with minimum or no contact, and let her experience what life without you would feel like. She may need to experience this to understand to weigh up in her own mind how she really feels about you.

Bella79

I think she is being a little bit selfish, when i met my oh he lived 30 mins away in his own home that he owned before he met me, When things got serious he asked me to move in with him, ok i wasnt 100% sold on the location of his home and the fact it was a bit further away from my parents than i would have liked, but i would not have asked him to sell to buy one together, i appriciated that he had a home and it was going to be "our home".

I moved in with him, it took a while but eventually it felt like "our" home, in an ideal world yea would have liked to buy one tog, but i thought i was lucky to have a home compared to what some ppl have, we did eventullly move 3 years later into a bigger home, but i loved that little house and was our first family home to, i loved him, he had a home he wanted to share with me and i jumped at it !

I do think shes being a little spoilt and sefish, surly shes wants a home with her partner and new baby ? all together.