Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

JaneRN

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

20 minutes away is just around the corner - you make it sound as if it was the other end of the country!

I wouldn't consider 20 mins drive away to be just round the corner, that could be 20 miles away if it was all motorway driving. I was trying to point out that I don't think the house is the problem it's the fact she'll not be in spitting distance of her mum.

clairec79

Actually does girlfriend drive and have a car?

If it is the distance thing then if she can drive but doesn't have a car she may be thinking she'll be stuck in the house by herself with nowhere to go while you are working, if that is the case then buying a car for her may be a compromise.

If she is nervous about life with the baby would it be worth discussing moving in together now and you all going to stay with her mother for a few weeks after the birth while she gets used to things

Ex-Spendaholic

I really feel for you. You seem like a really decent bloke and that cottage sounds devine. I hope you get something sorted. Good luck with the baby.

margaretclare

pipsta wrote: »

The worse part of it is the only reason she has given me for not wanting to move in is because she feels it is my home and not our home. Tell me if i am wrong but surely not moving into house together "Bricks and mortar" and providing a stable environment for baby is more important than her hangup with me buying the house on my own a year previous?

The more I read in this thread the more irritated I become with this young woman.

DH could have said the same when I invited him to move in with me, in flight from an abusive wife and a marriage which had come to an end.

This bungalow had been home to my first husband and me. Even after he died, a lot of it was still the same. As our relationship grew and developed, did DH throw a wobbly and say 'but this was where you lived in an earlier marriage, we didn't choose it between us, it's nothing to do with me'. No, he did not. He was darned glad to have a roof over his head, a warm bed to sleep in that another man had slept in before him, a comfortable chair that another man had used before. OK, in the fullness of time we had a lot of work done, he redecorated throughout and we replaced a lot of the furniture including the bed. At no time has he ever said 'we didn't choose this place together, let's sell up and get something that we both like'.

I love old cottages, and I have a fair idea of the sweat and toil, not to speak of tears, and money, that have to go into doing one up. Been there, in a previous existence....I think what you are seeing now is a foreshadowing of some of the issues that may arise in time to come. I feel for you.

Tiggerwendy_2

I've just sat and read this whole thread.

I do not envy your situation from either point of view. I understand she is going through a lot of life change and re-evaluation of what is going to happen, rather than her (I presume) original plan of embarking on 2 years as a Trainee Lawyer she now has to adjust to being a parent and putting all that on hold. I understand her wanting to be close to her Mum who clearly relies heavily on each other. No matter anyone's thoughts of the suitability or not of the extent of their closeness, they are and that is that, and it is a relationship you have been aware of all the years you have been with her.

Regardless of any underlying issues or not, what concerns me most is why renting out the cottage and renting somewhere closer to her Mum is not a viable option? Then when she is ready to pick up her career path again you could put the cottage up for sale and carry on with the stepping up the property ladder plan. Yes, there is the risk that you won't find a tenant for the cottage, but if it's priced right and is as nice as you say that shouldn't be a problem. As long as the mortgage is covered you'll be fine.

You said you suggested this to her but she refused. Why?? This to me seems to be the only truly valid compromise that could lead to you both being happy. Yes it would be great if she could accept the cottage but for whatever reason she won't. I hope that the reason is as she says, I am in the camp that finds this hard to swallow, but, you love each other and this is how she feels, so I think you should give up on her living there. So it seems to me the only option is to rent it out and rent somewhere you choose together.

I was really concerned to see her block this idea as you said she doesn't want to do this. It seems she is blocking every other option that living with her Mum. As someone said, how did her Mum cope without her in the evenings when she lived away at uni?

I would be interested to know why either of you do not see this as a valid option. Surely you should get the same amount of rent for the cottage as you would look to pay for an equivalent place closer to her Mum, unless of course the market is completely different. And if prices are really that different between the two locations, ask her how far she'd be prepared to be away from her Mum to allow it to be affordable.

If she really does want to live with you, which I sincerely hope she does, I see no reason why she would not jump at this. Yes, living free with her Mum makes more financial sense, but not if what she really wants is a family home with you, and in the near future your baby.

I hope you keep posting and let us all know what happens. All the best and I hope everything goes well with the birth and the rest of your lives.

Snuggles

margaretclare wrote: »

The more I read in this thread the more irritated I become with this young woman.

The more I read this thread the more irritated I become with the OP! I was sympathetic at first, and thought the GF sounded like she was being irrational and immature. But the OP's constant refrains of "am I being selfish?" "am I wrong?", and his dismissal of those who suggest that he is, smacks of someone who is extremely stubborn and has come on here simply to attempt to validate his own position rather than sort out this situation.

The bottom line is that if this relationship was the real thing, the OP wouldn't be so hung up on bricks and mortar, and his GF wouldn't be so hung up about the fact that it's not a "together" house. Either the relationship is flaky, or they are both as stupidly stubborn as each other. At some point, one of them needs to be the better person and focus on what's actually important.

Oldernotwiser

JaneRN wrote: »

I wouldn't consider 20 mins drive away to be just round the corner, that could be 20 miles away if it was all motorway driving. I was trying to point out that I don't think the house is the problem it's the fact she'll not be in spitting distance of her mum.

Of course, if you have to drive at 70mph it could be quite a distance but nothing like this has been suggested!

How many people nowadays live " just round the corner" from their parents and, frankly, how many people would want to?

Mme.Hibou

Snuggles wrote: »

The more I read this thread the more irritated I become with the OP! I was sympathetic at first, and thought the GF sounded like she was being irrational and immature. But the OP's constant refrains of "am I being selfish?" "am I wrong?", and his dismissal of those who suggest that he is, smacks of someone who is extremely stubborn and has come on here simply to attempt to validate his own position rather than sort out this situation.

This is so true! I was going to count the amount of times he'd asked "am I selfish?" "am I wrong?" and also the amount of times he called his girlfriend 'loyal'. Now I would call a dog loyal but don't think I'd appreciate it if that was the adjective that my OH used over and over to describe me, trustworthy, honest ... it just seemed a bit odd.

Fuzzy_Duck

I'm a 22 year old female and I struggle to understand her way of thinking. I've been with my boyfriend 4 years and have lived with him for 2 years. We rent and he pays a lot more than me as the higher earner, but I still see it as 'our home'. He has inherited his own house which is currently rented out, and we have both agreed to live there only in an emergency situation as it is far away from where we work. If that was to happen, I would be very grateful for it.

I find it a little odd that you've been together 5 years, are supposedly greatly in love and yet it sounds like you have never spent any time under the same roof. It's not an ideal situation if that is the case. She is still young, and probably imagined herself getting a good career after uni rather than being a mother. If she is scared, it makes sense that she wants to be with her mum (who may not be helping things by encouraging her to stay at home). The fact remains though that the top priority should be baby living with both mum and dad, and most mums-to-be would be ecstatic about having a ready made home to live in. It not being her home sounds a rather lame excuse.

I wouldn't sell up. I feel sympathy for both of you but I think she needs to start putting her baby's needs first and I completely disagree that she should get what she wants. You need to compromise, which is easier said than done. It sounds like you both need to have a serious talk with one another, as in my opinion it sounds like you have some underlying relationship issues. It sounds to me like she is not telling you everything.

MrsAnnie

I have read most replies, but not all, so I may be repeating someone else. If that is the case then my apolgies in advance:D

I have to wonder if the GF is viewing the renovated, lovely cottage as a cash cow????

Maybe she sees it as a way for the OP to sell up and make a very good profit. Then he will be able to put a downpayment on a house that will be jointly owned which is closer to her mother's house and one that she will have input into. And her boyfriend will still have a hefty bank balance.

This may be a sinister view of the situation, but some women do love a partner with lotsa money to spend on them!!!


If the GF was not pregnant and her uni course was complete, would she still insist on living with her mother instead of her boyfriend?