Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back?

scoobydoobydoo

SJ_Jones wrote: »

Misquote! "The LOVE of money is the route of all evil"

Look it up!

It isnt a misquote, but a shortened quote. If you are going to be pedantic, be pedantic enough to get your own response right :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

SJ_Jones

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I can't think of a situation where one half of a partnership would want a nest egg that they keep seperate from the other. I take Big Pete's point about wanting to leave something to children from a previous relationship, but even then I think that should be done on a joint decision.

I can see (like d716ag was saying) the situation where one wants to spend the money and the other wants a nest egg, but again that's got to be something you agree on together.

Fair enough if there's more money coming in than is needed in the partnership then split the surplus equally. I can imagine the situation where one partner chooses to spend their half on cheese and pokemon and the other chooses to save their half for something bigger. But still I can't see what you'd want with £20k savings for yourself?

The only reason would be is if you were planning on leaving your partner in the future. Well, I think it's a bit much to ask him to contribute to that fund!

[Disclaimer: Obviously building a nest-egg to leave an abusive partner is a different story and perfectly justified.]

This seems very narrow minded & short sighted! What if your partner leaves, gets ill, or (heaven forbid) dies! Those savings are suddenly crucial! Savings are (for me) an insurance against the unexpected, and in that nature, you're not planning on leaving or anything like that, they're for in case the worst happens! Having savings, which you wish to keep for yourself, are not a sign that you intend to up and leave, but that you have the sense to know that sometimes, bad things happen.

SJ_Jones

scoobydoobydoo wrote: »

It isnt a misquote, but a shortened quote. If you are going to be pedantic, be pedantic enough to get your own response right :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

It is a misquote, because the piece you've taken out of context changes it from the intended meaning!

therealdessie

Apologies for repeating what has no doubt been said, but you should absolutely expect to be paid back without asking. If you clearly keep separate finances - and I don't see any harm in that - then you should have no problem keeping a tally. In the times when I have been out of work I have always told my partner how embarrassed I have been at not being able to fully contribute (but I have always found something) and been told there's nothing to worry about. Every time I have paid back every single penny I have "owed" as and when I could afford.

I would never have it any other way - I alone am responsible for paying what I owe. I keep separate finances for that same reason - nobody else should be earning their money for me to spend it!

pineapple

I have a married friend who expresses gratitude because her husband 'subsidised her' while she was unemployed. Personally I think this is odd and that if you are a couple, you don't keep tally in this way.
However I accept some couples do choose to keep separate finances. But this is the sort of thing which needs to be ironed out at the outset.
That said, you use the word 'lent'. If this was an agreement between you, yes he should pay and you shouldn't have to ask. Or was it just your perception of things? In either instance, you have some talking to do.

JWF1958

Yes, you should always feel you can ask. But perhaps think of a sort of compromise - a sort of offer he can't refuse. If he's now got a regular income, can he set up a standing order into a savings account that's in joint names? If not, ask him why not.

sarstematt

colinlyne wrote: »

If you are in a relationship partnership ( marriage or living together), the your partner should not be expected to pay you back. You should be "in it together" and were well aware of the situation before you set up with him. This is part of the relationship and if you want your money back, then you cannot think much about your partner. Partnerships are about sharing and not "mine and yours". This is a doomed partnership and I think that you are selfish. You don't deserve a partner of any sort if consideration for "your" money is your first concern. I bet that your partner doesn't know that you have made the matter public through this forum. A very inconsiderate and devious move. You deserve to be lonely!

I think you are a sad person, Im all for in it together but if someone else isnt, what gives you the right to call them Devious, Selfish and inconsiderate and to go on to say they are selfish and dont deserve a partner. Im so very glad I dont know you.

Glpark01

personally i wouldn't, we share everything and share all money.

tallgirld

All you need to do is stop paying your half of the bills
for ONE YEAR. At least that way you would have got back £11,400.

Let him pay it for 12 months you done your bit :-)

canderel1

A relationship is supposed to be for better for worse. In most relationships the partners do not earn the same amount of money, and when living together the finances have to be divided fairly to the agreement of both partners at the start or the bickering will start.

Anyone can have bad luck or lose a job, and supporting a partner whilst they get back on their feet is fine - providing the partner recipricates when they are able. You say your partner works in a volatile profession and may have periods of unemployment - fine, but when they are working they should be putting extra money away to cover these periods. Have they made any attempt to save or contribute extra when they are working? Can they afford to even when they are working? If not, perhaps they need to find another profession, get unemployment insurance to cover their share of the mortgage, or just be prepared to take any job to contribute to the bills (although I appreciate that this may not be as easy these days). If they are making a serious attempt to contribute extra financially when they are able I would suggest you leave it.

If they are happy to let you support them, fritter money away when they have it, and are oblivious to the money issues after 11 years, they will never change. Love is accepting people the way they are - but if their financial habits are unacceptable to you it may be time to walk away.