Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back?

RascalRose

I have been on both sides of this situation but have been the one doing all the bailing out in both cases!! If you never had the money conversation, and it seems you still haven't, you need to have it now. If you have a future together then this inequality of pay will be with you for good, perhaps in reverse and you need to decide whether this is a situation in which you will reap what you sow ie (a) have you enabled him to contribute to the future or (b) are you supporting someone who doesn't feel the same sense of responsibility financially towards you? If it's (a) then you need to sit down together and plan for your future - you are going to need that nest egg for something important like having a family or to support you both through further times when work is hard to come by! If its (b) then you still need to sit down together and plan for your future!! If he doesn't see that the money whether loaned or not is important for you both then this will always be a problem for you, and one which will most likely be a thorn in the side of your relationship. Time for change on his part or change on yours -stop subsidising him unless he's prepared to do the same.

Just for the record, I'm a freelance musician and perhaps some moneysavers with a regular income, however small, may not realise the huge challenges that come from sometimes earning almost nothing and being unable to claim any kind of relief from the state because you are classed as self employed. It is very difficult to plan or budget when you have no idea how much you will earn or when, no possibility of creating work for yourself and when the nature of your work prevents you from taking a second job because you need to be flexible on a daily basis. Monthly saving, standing orders and direct debits? Don't make me laugh! It's taken 13 years of building a reputation and finally meeting someone who is financially responsible with a steady income to even dare!

pensionernige

The time to establish repayment/return is before the lend/gift. The next fall back position would be previous track record/arangements. After this the benefactor should be offering rather than you asking.

On broaching the subject you may wish to suggest that your partner pays you in a lump sum by obtaining a bank loan. This would enable him to cover the repayments with PPI especially in view of his volatile employment.

After this it is the view of your mutual relationship and I dont give that advice!!

RascalRose

pensionernige wrote: »

On broaching the subject you may wish to suggest that your partner pays you in a lump sum by obtaining a bank loan. This would enable him to cover the repayments with PPI especially in view of his volatile employment.
QUOTE]

The problem with this course of action is obtaining a loan when you haven't been in permanent work or can't easily prove your income. Similarly PPI excludes the self-employed/freelance. In addition, they have a mortgage together and a large loan will impact their overall borrowings if/when they remortgage.

I also notice previous posts have suggested joint accounts are a bad idea in light of his previous financial record - if you have a mortgage your credit files are connected whether married or not, even if that's the only account.

norfolkheather

I'm quite shocked by the romanticism and emotion in so many of those posts. The harsh facts are:
most marriages end in divorce; the average woman is £250k worse off than the average man over a lifetime (lower wages, pensions, career breaks etc). For any woman in any situation to have a nest egg of her own is at very least common sense - even within a happy relationship. Life happens - illness, the unexpected. Be prepared. So yes, it is OK to ask for repayment. This is your life contingency fund. It matters. And it's practical not emotional.

shirleyamj

if he can afford to repay to a fixed amount each week or month, then he should do so. even if for no better reason than in case he is in a similar situation in the future you will be able to manage the bills until he is working again.

JayD

He is your partner of 11 years standing. Why do you still consider your finances in this individual way? Surely by now you treat all of your financial incomings and outgoings as joint assets/liabilities?

I accept that we all have our own ways of doing things and many may well prefer separate finances but I just can't comprehend how any couple, sharing their home, joys, problems, responsibilities, trials and tibulations, life and future would not have sufficient trust in each other or confidence in their relationship to share all the financial aspects of their life together too.

So I can't answer this as it is incomprehensible to me that such a question would exist between a couple of 11 years standing.

Tulgey_Wood

Is this a partnership or not?
If not then perhaps they should have made it clear that the money was some kind of a loan at the outset.
I appreciate what the last poster said about being insulted by references to "proper" couples; everybody has their own way of doing things, and keeping separate finances can work very well if both parties are aware of exactly what the arangements are.
If nobody has ever mentioned that they are clocking up the other party's 'debt', I reckon they're gonna have to kiss the money, or their partner goodbye!

Pellyman

I've just got home and see you already have five pages of responses. Too late to read them all but I suspect I know the general gist of the majority and I suspect you also knew too - before you asked!

1) You should have asked about repayment before you started the subsidies.
2) He shouldn't put you in the position of having to ask and it therefore has all the signs of being a poor 'partnership' and very one sided - in his favour!
3) I suggest you ask however as it's a win win situation - if he starts paying you back you've made your point but if he doesn't you've learned a very valuable lesson. It may be hard at first but 'splitting up' is usually hard to do!

Best of luck.

tomell

You should not ask for the money back.
if you cant help your partner out then you should not be in relationship,But he should offer to put some monry your way if he is any kind of man

Frogletina

I was with my partner for over 12 years, we split the bills equally although because I put the deposit down on our house, we split the mortgage with me paying a smaller share so eventually we would have paid 50% each. Our income was almost identical, but I was a saver, he was a spender.

Forward 10 years, he was made redundant and went to university with my agreement and willingness to support him for 3 years. During that time my contribution was approx £7,000, mostly from my savings. He had redundancy money as well and a student loan. A year into university he ended our relationship but I had agreed to support him and so I carried on. I hoped that he might change his mind as well.

Fast forward until he moved out, just before he graduated, because I had savings I was able to buy him out of the house and he repaid the £7000 at that time.

He left with £30,000 and it had all gone within 2 years.

He now realises that to ever get his own place again he has to start from scratch and is beginning to save for the first time ever.