Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back?

atush

He should pay you back. But of course like others, I would have hoped all this would come up before he 'borrowed' the money in the first place ad that you had some eventual agreement in place. and he does seem to be a 'serial borrower'. Have either of you got a pension? If not (or even if you do and he doesn't) I would say that the nest egg was for your retirement etc and the you are now behind so would he mind making a monthly contribution.

He may though, in his own mind, considered the money a gift. which means he could get up and leave tomorrow and you will never see a penny of that 20K. So I hope you did actually discuss this was a loan at the time.

I think it is different with married couples rather than partners, esp those who have joint accounts. Partners can up and leave anytime w/o any paperwork or division of assets unless they own a property in common. Married couples can't.

I would approach the subject gently in case he thought this was all a gift and he was never obligated to pay it back.

JimmyTheWig

I can't think of a situation where one half of a partnership would want a nest egg that they keep seperate from the other. I take Big Pete's point about wanting to leave something to children from a previous relationship, but even then I think that should be done on a joint decision.

I can see (like d716ag was saying) the situation where one wants to spend the money and the other wants a nest egg, but again that's got to be something you agree on together.

Fair enough if there's more money coming in than is needed in the partnership then split the surplus equally. I can imagine the situation where one partner chooses to spend their half on cheese and pokemon and the other chooses to save their half for something bigger. But still I can't see what you'd want with £20k savings for yourself?

The only reason would be is if you were planning on leaving your partner in the future. Well, I think it's a bit much to ask him to contribute to that fund!

[Disclaimer: Obviously building a nest-egg to leave an abusive partner is a different story and perfectly justified.]

miriamm

I'm a saver and my husband is not (although he doesn't spend beyond his means). I also earn quite a bit more than he does. For these reasons we keep our finances fairly separate, but both contributing to household expenses more or less equally. If we had a suddent unexpected expense, I would probably pick up the tab as I've the means to do so. That's fine by me (and being married or not is irrelevant - that's how we did things before we were married as well.)

If I was to lend him a particular lump sum for something like a car for him to use, we would decide on repayment terms etc at the outset and yes, I would expect the money back eventually, or at least that I'd get the proceeds if the car was sold. But as others have said, the key thing is that we would have talked about it and agreed on how the loan would work before entering into it - without some specific agreement, you have no right to expect anything as your partner is not a mindreader!

Household bills though are just part of day to day life in a partnership. If one person can afford them and the other can't, then the person with the money pays them until the other one can. I paid all the bills while my husband was between jobs and it didn't occur to me to ask him for money he didn't have. If I was out of work he'd do the same for me.

motoko

You're asking whether you should ask him to pay you back, but you don't make it clear whether you actually lent him the money to start with, or were you just paying for things for him? If the two of you didn't agree that it was a loan to start with and that he would pay you back when he was working again, then you have no right to ask for the money back now. If you agreed the car and degree fees were a loan he should pay those back, but as his long-term partner its normal to cover his every day expenses if he has a period of unemployment - hence he would not be eligible for the same benefits as if he was on his own.

I also don't really understand what difference it makes whether he pays you back or not unless you are going to split up. Surely after being together for 11 years you would buy most things together, from food and bills to larger purchases like furniture, cars and the house? Whoever earns the most is inevitably going to put more towards the bills and any major any purchases, but you both benefit from them and own them equally. While your boyfriend was out of work that may have been you paying more, but some day it may be him, e.g. if you decide to take a career break to have kids or his career takes off and his earnings exceed yours.

Now that you are both working, wouldn't it make more sense for you to save up together, rather than worrying about the money that you've spent in the past, who earned it and what it got spent on? With your combined wages you should be able to save more than either of you could have on your own.

Lexxi

If he's said 'I'd like to take this course' and OP has said 'well we have the money' then it's probably not clear it's a loan, could you approach your partner and say 'now you're earning we need to start putting some aside in case we get in that situation again' My partner has no savings and no responsibilities if he has money in his pocket he will spend it, I've built up savings of around £5000 and it's gone, each time I've built it up, if I was to say aww well it's only money we're in a relationship, then the pot would never be replenished, most recently it's gone because we've been in difficulty, we were both out of work at the same time so it has been us that have spent it, OH isn't interested in clearing any of the debts or saving, that's his attitude to money, I need savings I need to know that there is some money there. If I didn't save then there would be no savings and if we got into difficulty again then we could lose everything. My OH says he wants to save but then does nothing about it
Have you spoken to your partner about his views on money? Do you have the same goals? You will start to resent him if you're constantly bailing him out and he doesn't replenish the pot and you have to build up the savings for him to spend all over again. I try explaining to my OH that we need to put some away and it goes over his head, What we started doing. because his attitude to money is so poor is everything went in one account all the bills went out then he got XX amount a week to smoke/drink/etc otherwise he'd just spend it. He still had money to do as he wanted, all the bills got paid and I got to save too, I appreciate this wouldn't work for a lot of people (this was my partners idea) we were living and working together and being paid the same amount

tenuissent

It's a more complex business, sharing money within a marriage or partnership, than many people imply.

When I married, I noticed that my husband had a lot of money and was careless with it. Wedding cheques got lost, blew around on the floor along with paper money that fell out of his pockets. I had just finished being a student and was penniless, literally - just about to start my first teaching job (£1030 per year then!) and made a conscious decision to keep my own bank account just so I could look after any money I made more carefully, and not watch it dribbling away by accident. As my savings grew, I contributed to holidays and other family activities. My husband always earned and inherited a great deal more money than I did, which was all right with me as long as I had my scrap of independent savings.

Fast forward 20 years and we divorced, for all sorts of reasons. Some people here might say we never jelled as a couple because we had separate bank accounts. There was much more to it than that. All the same, I felt much more secure, as things started to go wrong, that I had this small nest egg behind me.

My second husband is careful with money, very generous towards me, and has set up a joint account for us....but I still have my own savings accounts. I just can't quite let go. I use the money to contribute to the house, to holidays and household expenses, but I still enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that money I have personally earned is being looked after carefully, and I need not ask anyone for their money to buy something I would like to have, or account for what I have spent.

I have watched a friend being castigated by her husband for "wasting" his hard-earned salary on a present for him, and vowed never to put myself in that position.

So I think the OP is entitled to her nest egg. She has been generous with it, but derives the same comfort that I do from knowing it is there, and that either or both of them can call on it in a crisis. I think her partner should replenish it as soon as he can afford to.

lurch003

Lots of differing views here - shows we're all human at least.

I'm very different to how I used to think on relationships and money. I have lived with partners on two occasions, both had their own home which I moved into. Immediately, a joint account was opened and both lots of wages went in - no more mine or yours, just ours - that's how I was brought up. Unfortunately, the first time around after 3 years, I left with nothing.

More unfortunately, the second time round I didn't learn my lesson and also left with nothing. But in between, I had amassed around £25k savings which were over time spent by way of gifts/house repairs/holidays/etc. When I left, even though our finances had been totally shared throughout the relationship and I had used up my savings, I left with nothing again and she still wanted more.

Neither involved marriage, just living together but my view now is that if I enter into a relationship, and in time cohabiting, what savings I have will be mine and what savings she has will be hers until such time there are wedding bells. All household bills will be joint no doubt, and everything else split 50/50.

Communication, communication, communication BEFOREHAND is the key. Talking about it afterwards will no doubt get messy due to differing interpretations of what is classed as ours/gifts/loans etc.

kezerb

I think yes, he should pay it back. But I would also expect in a reverse situation for you to pay him back.
The people saying 'In a relationship/marriage you should share everything' are wrong, in my opinion. What about wanting to keep something for yourself for you to treat yourself to and for only you? And by sharing everything do you even share the bathroom at the same time?! I should hope not

EDIT: I agree with the poster above me, what a horrible situation to be left in! Nothing both times. I hope things get better for you Lurch

alwayswrite

Yes you should definitely ask your partner for the money these people go on and on forever expecting to be bailed out. Your partner will never learn unless he has to do it the hard way you'll be doing him and yourself a favour by learning to take equal responsibility.

Cleopatra

He should OFFER to repay you what you have forked out on his behalf and you should be able to trust that he will. Otherwise it will always be hanging in the air between you both and make you feel unequal.