Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back?

JoannaS_3

bulletproof_1979 wrote: »

I think you're missing the point too, TBH.

If they're both in the relationship for the long haul then the "nest egg" is theirs not hers. There shouldn't be a question of him paying her back, it should be a matter of them jointly building up a savings account. Their incomes should be pooled, the bills should come out first, then money put a side into savings every month. Anything else is robbing Peter to pay Paul.

I said "If he doesn't repay the money there won't be any nest egg for either of them and then what does that achieve?!" Point not missed! I'm saying if he doesn't put some money back in the pot then in the 'long haul' neither of them have any money so he is losing out aswell as her!!

bulletproof_1979

JoannaS wrote: »

Personally the way it works for my relationship is that we have our salaries paid into our own accounts, a direct debit paying X amount into the joint account for bills, rent etc and the rest of 'our' money we can with as we please, I like buying thingd for MYSELF with MY money becuse I earnt it, what's wrong with keeping a bit for yourself, we can't all be saints I suppose!!! lol

There's nothing wrong with having some money for youself, and nowhere have I said there is. A real relationship is about being in it together, and working out an approach that works between you, but it should done from starting point of us not him and me seperately. When you buy holidays or stuff for the house for example, do you say "can I afford that?" or "can we afford it?" - that's the question.

It's about the shift in your perception that comes with being in a real relationship - if that doesn't come after 11 years then you have to ask why and address the problem.

JimmyTheWig

CashBackGuru wrote: »

I agree if they are married but it doesnt say that they are. Otherwise it's only fair to pay it back.

But they've been together for 11 years. Even if they're not married they must be as good as married.

JoannaS_3

colinlyne wrote: »

If you are in a relationship partnership ( marriage or living together), the your partner should not be expected to pay you back. You should be "in it together" and were well aware of the situation before you set up with him. This is part of the relationship and if you want your money back, then you cannot think much about your partner. Partnerships are about sharing and not "mine and yours". This is a doomed partnership and I think that you are selfish. You don't deserve a partner of any sort if consideration for "your" money is your first concern. I bet that your partner doesn't know that you have made the matter public through this forum. A very inconsiderate and devious move. You deserve to be lonely!

You know her well enough to be that rude do you??!! I think not!! She's asking for help, not an attack on her as a person!!!!!

bulletproof_1979

JoannaS wrote: »

I said "If he doesn't repay the money there won't be any nest egg for either of them and then what does that achieve?!" Point not missed! I'm saying if he doesn't put some money back in the pot then in the 'long haul' neither of them have any money so he is losing out aswell as her!!

Again it's a subtle, but important, shift in the perception of the issue that's necessary. Her pot is gone, she chose to spend it to help out her partner. They should forget about that pot and work together on filling a new pot for them.

JoannaS_3

bulletproof_1979 wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with having some money for youself, and nowhere have I said there is. A real relationship is about being in it together, and working out an approach that works between you, but it should done from starting point of us not him and me seperately. When you buy holidays or stuff for the house for example, do you say "can I afford that?" or "can we afford it?" - that's the question.

It's about the shift in your perception that comes with being in a real relationship - if that doesn't come after 11 years then you have to ask why and address the problem.

So because she had 20k before they got together and she is concerned about it all beig spent it's not a real relationship?! What is a real relationship anyway?! There are no two relationships on this planet that are the same so what's real or not?! I think we should just answer the actual question and stop reading between the lines!!

JoannaS_3

bulletproof_1979 wrote: »

Again it's a subtle, but important, shift in the perception of the issue that's necessary. Her pot is gone, she chose to spend it to help out her partner. They should forget about that pot and work together on filling a new pot for them.

That I agree with! lol

ianking

picnic wrote: »

im always confused by couples that have 'my money their money' if my husband is skint so am I... we share everything... isnt that marrage is about???
so no you shouldnt ask for the money back.. how would you feel if the situation was reversed??

I couldn't agree more except in this scenario because the term "partner" is used, then I guess they are not married. OT, I never understand why long term cohabiting couples complain about not having the same rights as married couples. They can have the same rights.. just get married in a registry office.

Luebob

Once upon a time I too was in a similar situation and from my experience I would say that it depends on your partner's nature. It is important to discuss financial matters with your partner regularly and keep things open, honest and above board at all times. As previous posts have detailed, if you bail him out all the time and do not let him know that you are fully aware of what you are doing and the price you are paying, he may not be aware or ignore the reality of the situation.
However some men just want to bury their heads in the sand and pretend that finances do not concern them. Unfortunately I was involved with someone like this, and despite discussing these matters with them; explaining and proving how much the household expenses were and how they should be split in line with our incomes, my partner could not get his head around it. I am not sure whether it was that couldn't or wouldn't, however at the end of the day I realised that the situation was not going to improve. The question was did I love him enough to accept this quality? And at the time I thought I did.

So I guess the same question applies. After all we cannot go into a relationship expecting a person to change.

I hope I have given you something to think about.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do :-)

Freeness2006

My view is that he ought toopay you back but if you did not state expressly at the time of paying for his car, education costs etc that you are "lending" him the money as opposed to giving it to him...you have olny yourself to blame that he seems to be disinclined to repay it. Personally, I would never pay for large costs for my partner without first being clear with myself and then him whether this is a loan or a gift.
The situation is diffterent if you are MARRIED. If you were to get divorced the large sums loaned/given which have depleted your financial cushion would be brought into account when sorting out the financial provision orders following granting of the final decree of divorce known as the decree absolute.
True love is not harmed or damaged by discussing money issues openly. I am surprised that your partner has not offered to pay you back as he must realise that you each have very different attitudes to saving and financial issues. Maybe he is just a user. In any event, tell him you expect him to pay you back and offer suggestions for a repayment plan. Don't be embarrassed and be sensible about the amount he owes you when doing the totting up. Do not bring into account that last portion of Garlic Bread that you bought for him;but do take into account the car, course fees etc. Also if you are a woman and plannning on having children- GET MARRIED.