Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back?

trejoy

You chose him, you knew what he was like with money and you chose to bail him out. If you asked for it back, there will be a huge row and I'll put money on him leaving. Users come in both sexes.

angelcakes_smw

so, he has been your partner for 11 years? and you havent split up? In my opinion you no longer have 'your money' and 'my money', you have 'our money'. I hate relationships where you keep your money seperate from the other partner, that nest egg was for the both of you not just you alone...you wouldnt spend all your life with someone only to turn around and say "sorry, you should've saved up your own nest egg!" would you? you'd share it between you. But with that aside, yes he should put money back into it as you BOTH want something to have for later on in life. A discussion about how he's goinf to do this is in order but remember, it's a nest egg for the both of you.............unless your planning on leaving him that is!

JoannaS_3

picnic wrote: »

im always confused by couples that have 'my money their money' if my husband is skint so am I... we share everything... isnt that marrage is about???
so no you shouldnt ask for the money back.. how would you feel if the situation was reversed??

I agree with you as much as I don't agree with you. It makes sense when you're married to share everything but life doesn't always work out how you'd like it to. I know a couple very well who were in a similar situation, they are now divorced and most of the woman's savings are gone as she allowed her husband access to everything.

I am NOT saying you should spend your married life hiding money from your significant other but I do think it is sensible to protect yourself and have a small nest egg. Even though you are part of a partnership, you are still an individual and ultimately you are the only person who will ever have your best interests at heart, as humans we are programmed to ensure our survival so what's wrong with doing that by saving a bit of money?!

In answer to the original question, I would ask him to repay you for the car and higher education as technically it was not necessary for him to proceed with either while unemployed. If he loves you, he will want to top-up the nest egg for your future, 20k is a lot of money and probably took you years to save and if the worst happens and your relationship ends, who's the biggest loser? Not him! GOOD LUCK!

JoannaS_3

spursliz wrote: »

You shouldn't have to ask!

If this man is of any worth, he should be paying you back at once. If he isn't, I think you should ask him how much he can afford to pay back into "the savings account" and take it from there.

Sadly you need to take care of yourself: if the relationship ends, you will have lost all your money.

Totally agree with you, why is everyone saying "you're in a relationship and that's how it works" NOOOOOOO it isn't, no matter what you have to look after your future not someone else's, married or not. He wouldn't have done it for her as he doesn't have any savings so it's all win win for him!

bulletproof_1979

geri1965 wrote: »

So any couples who prefer to keep their finances separate are not in proper relationships then? That's an awful lot of people there that you have just insulted.

Choose to be insulted as you wish, it certainly wasn't meant as one.

There are levels to what we call relationships of course. I wouldn't expect young kids or people who've only recently met to share their money in this way.

I'm talking about long term, commited relationships - if one or other of those in the relationship is unwilling to share their money with the other there's almost certainly clearly a problem there that needs sorting.

JoannaS_3

angelcakes_smw wrote: »

so, he has been your partner for 11 years? and you havent split up? In my opinion you no longer have 'your money' and 'my money', you have 'our money'. I hate relationships where you keep your money seperate from the other partner, that nest egg was for the both of you not just you alone...you wouldnt spend all your life with someone only to turn around and say "sorry, you should've saved up your own nest egg!" would you? you'd share it between you. But with that aside, yes he should put money back into it as you BOTH want something to have for later on in life. A discussion about how he's goinf to do this is in order but remember, it's a nest egg for the both of you.............unless your planning on leaving him that is!

That's missing the point! If he doesn't repay the money there won't be any nest egg for either of them and then what does that achieve?!

Susan_Frost

Definitely he should pay back car and education.

In addition, the mortgage is very high for you to cover alone, but you did it. That is good support. So, how about your have a mortgage "holiday" for the same amount of time?

The reason people have nest eggs over people who dont, in these situations, is usually that they have been more careful with their money. He should be thankful that she had the nest egg in order to help him. What if she was as useless with money as him. Then they would have been stuck, lost the house, etc.

He should volunteer to pay it back and appreciate the support given. They should also talk about a joint savings account where both put in the same amount - if he cannot do this then she will always have this financial bailing out to do.

JoannaS_3

bulletproof_1979 wrote: »

You're not in a proper relationship until "his money" and "my money" becomes "our money". If this isn't the case then you need to ask why that is - it's usually the sign of a fundamental problem with the relationship that needs addressing.

All these assumptions being made about other people's relationships!! Ever heard of what works for one....may not work for another?! Who are we to judge? This person has asked for advice about the money, NOT her realtionship!!!!

Personally the way it works for my relationship is that we have our salaries paid into our own accounts, a direct debit paying X amount into the joint account for bills, rent etc and the rest of 'our' money we can with as we please, I like buying thingd for MYSELF with MY money becuse I earnt it, what's wrong with keeping a bit for yourself, we can't all be saints I suppose!!! lol

bulletproof_1979

JoannaS wrote: »

That's missing the point! If he doesn't repay the money there won't be any nest egg for either of them and then what does that achieve?!

I think you're missing the point too, TBH.

If they're both in the relationship for the long haul then the "nest egg" is theirs not hers. There shouldn't be a question of him paying her back, it should be a matter of them jointly building up a savings account. Their incomes should be pooled, the bills should come out first, then money put a side into savings every month. Anything else is robbing Peter to pay Paul.

kevanf1

colinlyne wrote: »

If you are in a relationship partnership ( marriage or living together), the your partner should not be expected to pay you back. You should be "in it together" and were well aware of the situation before you set up with him. This is part of the relationship and if you want your money back, then you cannot think much about your partner. Partnerships are about sharing and not "mine and yours". This is a doomed partnership and I think that you are selfish. You don't deserve a partner of any sort if consideration for "your" money is your first concern. I bet that your partner doesn't know that you have made the matter public through this forum. A very inconsiderate and devious move. You deserve to be lonely!

Ooh, harsh I find that life is all about give and take and that's what makes a good relationship. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take.