Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back?

Former_MSE_Lee

Please give this MoneySaver the benefit of your advice...

Should I ask partner for the money back?

I've always been careful with money and had a tidy nest egg when I met my partner 11 years ago. He arrived with a bad credit rating and a fair few debts - I got him back on track and now he has no debts (barring half the mortgage). Unfortunately, his profession's volatile so he's constantly in and out of work and I've lent him money to buy a car and for higher education.

Recently he was out of work for a year, leaving me to cover his half the £950 monthly bills. Needless to say my nest egg's substantially dwindled and I've paid out over £20k on his behalf all in. He's now working again, should I expect him to pay back the money for the household bills or just the car and education?

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higginsb

Yes, unless you had previously agreed to subsidise him (and can afford to do so easily), whilst he is out of work or in education, he absolutely should pay back the money you have paid on his behalf. He should work out a monthly budget, and, once his essential monthly outgoings have been accounted for, should calculate how much he can afford to pay you each month. In addition, if possible, he should work towards building up a surplus in savings for when/if he finds himself out of work again.

picnic

im always confused by couples that have 'my money their money' if my husband is skint so am I... we share everything... isnt that marrage is about???
so no you shouldnt ask for the money back.. how would you feel if the situation was reversed??

Talent

Looks to me like you set yourself up with a bludger (as the Dinks say). He's obviously never offered to top up your little pile and obviously doesn't intend to. Bye bye nest egg....

zzzLazyDaisy

You say you 'lent him money' for his car and education. Was it agreed from the beginning that these were loans and that he would pay you back? If so then yes, he should pay you back.

What about when you were paying the mortgage and bills? Was it agreed from the outset that he was running up a debt that would have to be repaid?

Or were you just doing what couples do, and supporting him, as he would have supported you, in similar circumstances?

Only you know what you agreed with him (I take it you do talk to each other about these things?).

CashBackGuru

picnic wrote: »

im always confused by couples that have 'my money their money' if my husband is skint so am I... we share everything... isnt that marrage is about???
so no you shouldnt ask for the money back.. how would you feel if the situation was reversed??

I agree if they are married but it doesnt say that they are. Otherwise it's only fair to pay it back.

cazpost

If you are partners,living together,then you share everything.If you were out of work,he would pay your share ,wouldn't he? If the answer to that is no,maybe you need to be in a different relationship.If by buying him a car etc you have improved his earning capabilities surely you have benefitted from it anyway?

gaily

It sounds like you are still together - so not the same type of issue as a few weeks back, where the relationship is over.

From the last line, sounds like you are expecting something back for the car and education, and the bills might be a bit of a bonus.

Unfortunately, thems the breaks in a relationship. My husband had a nest egg when we got together - but a deposit on the mortgage, a new kitchen/bathroom (necessary evils, not the wife being a diva I may add!), less coming in when i was on maternity, have dwindled his egg to less that it was. But - that being said, he's happy where he is and with his lot in life. He's not intending to change his lot, and sometimes mentions the disproportionate ingoings into the relationship financially, but he then forgets that his washing gets done, the food appears on the table, his house gets cleaned.

If you had been a bloke, and helped your lady out while she was in financial bother, or bought her a car, or helped pay her debts coming out of college or off on maternity leave - as many of the male posters on here will no doubt have done for their other halves at some stage (No rants from the ladies who are now in financial doo-doo coz the other half has left them there please.) - many of the posters here would be less sympathetic methinks.

Maybe nows the time to think about your future together, and time to build some joint savings - then when he's working, he may be able to contribute more to those.

robpw2

whats yours is mine and whats mine my own .. this is the best motto to have in life ..lol
No seriousely you should be contributing to savings together , you gave him this money and obviously made no indication you wanted it back at any point so now you need to sit down and talk work out a budget togehter and decide to put money away for both of you now

Crabhat

"He's now working again, should I expect him to pay back the money for the household bills or just the car and education?"

If your relationship is any good, no, you shouldn't expect him to, but he should want to.

spursliz

You shouldn't have to ask!

If this man is of any worth, he should be paying you back at once. If he isn't, I think you should ask him how much he can afford to pay back into "the savings account" and take it from there.

Sadly you need to take care of yourself: if the relationship ends, you will have lost all your money.