Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back?

JimmyTheWig

kezerb wrote: »

The people saying 'In a relationship/marriage you should share everything' are wrong, in my opinion. What about wanting to keep something for yourself for you to treat yourself to and for only you?

It was £20k! That's one hell of a treat!

JasperFinn

This is the problem with having independent pots of money. What do you do if your partner is skint - lend them money! I would expect most people would feel morally obligated to do so. There are givers and takers in this world. You obviously have a good heart and are a giver, whereas your partner is a taker. If he hasn't already said that he will repay you the money you've given him then asking him will probably fall on deaf ears. He doesn't feel any morale obligation to you. Terms should always be agreed when lending money. Even interest free repayments. How else is he going to learn how to manage this money in a more responsible manner. Have you actually discussed this with your him and let him know how you feel. He might be quite surprised and taken aback by the figures and agree a repayment plan or they might say 'tough' your money was a gift. At least you'd know for the future.

RuthnJasper

Well, if he loves and respects you, you shouldn't need to ask him - he should automatically be putting some away to 'repay' what has been taken out. After all, hopefully his future will also be YOUR future so, in the long run, he's setting HIMSELF up for potential problems if the nest-egg is gone.

That's my opinion anyway. x

wildthing01

i think this depends on how pemanent you feel the relationship is. if you live together and plan to remain together for the future, then it shouldn't matter how much each person is contributing financially, providing each person is pulling their weight in some way - your partner may not bring in the money, but does he do diy/housework/pet or childcare etc?

if so, you could think of your outlay as an investment in your joint future - i.e. is the car or higher ed going to lead to more stable/profitable employment, with him then contributing more in the future?

if however, you are not sure if you trust this person, or don't feel that you or he are in it for the long-haul, you should probably ask for the money back, as you may find you never see it again...

VeeW

Def. should be repaid. I've been in the same situation as you & my partner of 25 yrs always pays back any loans I make to her. Different if I decide to take her on hols & she's said she can't afford it or vice versa but loans have to be repaid. (Try getting one from a bank & just ignoring it :rotfl:)

Morphius

surely after 11 years you share?

Hezzy

I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend at the moment. We moved down south together when I got a job, and obviously I was fine with paying all the of the rent and bills for a while, while he was looking for a job. He has only just got one...18 months later (!) and so now he 'owes' me £7k.

He has a few debts to pay off and so he keeps enough money to pay them but then gives me the rest of his wages. He wants to pay me back and also I think he realises that he's not great with money, since it seems to burn a hole in his pocket, therefore it's safer with me.

If we both had jobs and were financially stable then I do think that we would share, each treating each other and saving together, but only by paying me back and learning how to properly deal with money do I think that we will ever reach this goal!

I think that this couple should talk to each other and work something out. I have always been honest with my boyfriend about everything. It should be made clear what is a 'gift' and what is a 'loan'. And I do think that if he's a good partner then he should offer to pay the money back, since then eventually you can both be at the same level and financially equal.

After all, I should hope there isn't added interest!!

BobbinAlong

You're not in a proper relationship until "his money" and "my money" becomes "our money". If this isn't the case then you need to ask why that is - it's usually the sign of a fundamental problem with the relationship that needs addressing.

Or the sign of being burnt in a previous relationship!

Finances are the biggest cause of marital disharmony. My advice to any new couple - don't have joint accounts for everyday money.

scoobydoobydoo

For me, it isnt so much him paying her back as paying the savings back!

Regardless of who's name the savings are in, he used some of them for his advantage. If, as seems probable, he will have another lean period then they will need this cushion again and he has a responsibility to them both to ensure that he has done his best to top the savings back up to their original level. Otherwise, there will be no cushion, no money to cover bills and mortgage and ultimately, no home!

If I were her, I wouldnt word it in a "when are you paying me back" sort of way but more "As you are earning now, how much of your salary are you putting into the savings each month?" If he refuses or kicks up a stink, then, yes, I would question the relationship. But as it stands, I would just assume that it hasnt crossed his mind that he needs to do this and needs a gentle reminder.

It makes me laugh that every time there is a MMD about money within a relationship, there is always the faction that assumes that all couples in a relationship who dont share every last penny are somehow not committed or are selfish. I think in alot of couples, this one included, the more money savvy partner is wise to keep their finances seperate. If this man is as bad with money as he seems, any joint account could end up with this woman having a bad credit rating and that is not something that anyone should have to do, marriage vows or no!

SJ_Jones

dimbo61 wrote: »

Money is the route of all EVIL

Misquote! "The LOVE of money is the route of all evil"

Look it up!