Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back?

ggreen1959

This sounds like a relationship that will never work.
He must relly be spending far too much when he does work. I wonder what or who he spends it on?
Have you and the girls been talking and got wound up?
Is he really working for what sounds like so little that he needs support?
In most relationships one party earns significantly more than the other, usually the man because of family commitments, but this doesn't mean he owns everything. It is a partnership where everything is shared.
If one half of the partnership is rich so is the other and vice-versa. If he is continually using the nest egg can you afford to have one? A lot of people cannot, but this "mine and his" business is not right.

rosemary54

if you had married the man then the phrase "all my worldy goods with you I share" comes into mind!Does not sound as though your relationship is sound to me.When my husband inherited some money it was spent on all the family and when I had some the same applied.think you need to re think your relationship with this man as it sounds like you are not that committed to me

kneelbeforezod

Crabhat wrote: »

"He's now working again, should I expect him to pay back the money for the household bills or just the car and education?"

If your relationship is any good, no, you shouldn't expect him to, but he should want to.

Absolutely spot on :T

You shouldn't have to ask. If he's not making any noises to you about contributing more to your living costs now he's back on track - what does that say about him as a person, and of his regard/love for you?

aubergine

If it was clear it was a loan and you have sepearate finances then yes, of course he should pay you back.

However, in a long term relationship it would be so much better if you could have joint finances and support each other in the tough times and benefit together in the good ones. Mind you, with his attitude to money sounds like you might be better off with seperate accounts and consider whether he is really worth subsidising?

dimbo61

After 11 years together you should know what your partner is like and how he spends his money!
Does he take you out for romantic meals and weekends away ? Do you plan on having children ?
Some people are spenders and some are savers and to make this relationship work you need to love and trust each other.
In the 11 years you have been together has he ever been mean with money when it comes to your birthday and xmas? Has the property you bought together gone up in value?
If life is a constant struggle and your OH spends money with no though to who has earned it then you need to consider your relationship! Money is the route of all EVIL

bulletproof_1979

You're not in a proper relationship until "his money" and "my money" becomes "our money". If this isn't the case then you need to ask why that is - it's usually the sign of a fundamental problem with the relationship that needs addressing.

thevilraggydoll

It really depends on whether it was stated as a loan when you first lent it, if not, then I'm afraid he might see it as the 'we're in it together' scenario others have mentioned.

I lent my partner money when we relocated to help him cover his rent while he searched for a new job. We still have seperate finances but I would rather lose the measly interest on my short term savings than him pay huge overdraft or loan fees. It was set up as a loan from the offset and a record kept of how much I had lent him and how much he had paid back.

Keeping finanances seperate does not always mean you are not in it together. My boyfriend is proud and even though I earn more than him (at this moment in time) would not like me paying more of the bills etc. In saying this we balance it in other ways, I will pick up more dinner than he does and do the big monthly online food shop.

We keep out finanaces seperate as we have very different ways of managing money. We both pay bills and rent on time but I like to get the most out of my money and save a little whereas he sees spare money as an opportunity to treat himself. Both ways are fine, but to save relationship melodrama we deal with our non essentials money ourselves.

It is not a dealbreaker for our relationship but likewise, I don't want to control his life by insisting he manage his money my way. He has made concessions and is opening a savings account and that is enough to make me happy.

In saying this we currently still rent and are not married. Once we get a mortgage together it will be 'our home' to invest in, but at the moment we have the luxury of remaining self sufficent.

mary-jane_3

From what you say, I think you could reasonably expect him to pay you back for the car and higher education, as these were loans (so long as it was agreed and understood at the time that they were loans).In terms of the living expenses, unless you made an agreement to 'loan' this to him also, it would be unreasonable for you to expect him to pay them back.
The fact you're asking this question suggests you might have some resentments regarding your mutual finances, and for the sake of your relationship I really think it would be worth asking yourself a few things, and then having a frank and honest conversation with your partner about money issues where you can come to a mutually acceptable arrangement regarding your future finances.


The things I think it might be worth asking yourself are - Has your partner supported you in other, non-financial ways? (this could be in any way from household responsibilities to emotional support). A relationship can be equal in ways other than matching each other pound for pound. If he hasn't, then perhaps it might be worth considering if this is really about money, or more about being disappointed with the relationship in general (perhaps you're feeling used if deep down you think he's just living off of you and deliberately not pulling his weight)


Also, is your way of life more expensive than his would be if you weren't together? For example, would he have taken on a mortgage? If financial obligations you've both got into were your idea, then it might be hard for him, on a lower income, to keep up with you.


I've been on both sides of this situation, both supporting a partner, and being supported by one. With the partner I supported, our relationship finally ended when I realised he was not only contributing financially, but he didn't support me in any way at all, and he was dependant on me for pretty much everything - I was more like a mother than a partner. However, I don't resent him for this, as I'm a grown up, and it was my choice. The same with you and your partner - he's not forcing you to do anything, it's your choice, and why would he think there was a problem if you've never discussed it and you've just kept paying out?


In my current relationship, my partner has always had a lot more money than me, and it's been a struggle to try and 'keep up' with him financially. He has more expensive tastes than me and I've felt guilty about what he's spent on me as there's no way I can match it. We've had to have a lot of conversations about money to reach a happy medium. I felt uncomfortable doing this at 1st, as I've always been very independent, but it was crucial to have a clear idea of what he was happy to pay for, and what I was expected to contribute to.


This could be a sensitive subject for your partner also, as many men feel very emasculated being supported by a partner, so he might choose to avoid the subject altogether, as he may feel ashamed. You should try to be sensitive to this, so bring it up in a no-blame, non-accusatory way, perhaps say 'You know financial security has always been really important to me, and my savings have dwindled over the last few years, so I really want to build them up again. I want to budget our expenses so I can save again, so I'd like to talk about our living costs and who's paying for what, and also figure out a plan that works for you to pay back the loans I made you'.

geri1965_2

bulletproof_1979 wrote: »

You're not in a proper relationship until "his money" and "my money" becomes "our money". If this isn't the case then you need to ask why that is - it's usually the sign of a fundamental problem with the relationship that needs addressing.

So any couples who prefer to keep their finances separate are not in proper relationships then? That's an awful lot of people there that you have just insulted.

backfire

10 years ago when I met my husband, I was in debt. When we became a serious item with plans for the future, he "lent" me the money to pay off my c/c debts. The deal was that I would pay him back £50 a month until I had paid him back. (Saving me money on the interest each month). Later down the line we got engaged, and due to the fact that we both were of the attitude "what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours" and we had decided to have a joint bank account once we were married, he wrote off the debt I owed him, as it seemed pointless to pay him back, and then get the money back again once we were married.
By the way - It wasn't all one sided. I had a mortgage on a flat, and we sold that off to buy a house once we were married, and gained a pretty penny on that (5 times the original loan he lent me).
Had you made any arrangements with your partner about the subs? If not, well, it would seem that you were just helping him out - then I don't think you have the right to ask him for it back. If you said it was a loan - now'e the time to call it back!