my gf is totally unrealistic! what do i do?

Running_Horse

Bonny1 wrote: »

How very Unfair :eek:

The OP has come on here, to express his feelings and frustrations, and clear his head, before making a huge decision that will effect him emotionally and financially, for a very long time.

I don't believe that is being TwoFaced atall. In fact he should be commended, for reaching out, for advice and support from people who have been through similar things.

Stay strong OP, and you know in your heart, what to do. :beer:
best wishes either way...
Bonny

I stand by what I said. He should be talking to his girlfriend, not us. Neither my wife nor myself are perfect, but I would devastated if she started such a discussion on a public forum.

This isn't an edition of Jeremy Kyle where you try to get the audience on your side by attacking someone's character. This is a property forum where the same question could have been asked from a property perspective, without washing dirty laundry in public.

olly300

Running_Horse wrote: »

I stand by what I said. He should be talking to his girlfriend, not us. Neither my wife nor myself are perfect, but I would devastated if she started such a discussion on a public forum.

The OP is anonymous there is no mention of anything identifying about him.

Plus there another poster has pointed out they have been in exactly the same situation.

In the case of your wife and yourself you have a level of trust where you can talk about anything to each other in the OP's case that seems to be lacking. This indicates another problem with his relationship.

hbklea

Running_Horse wrote: »

I stand by what I said. He should be talking to his girlfriend, not us. Neither my wife nor myself are perfect, but I would devastated if she started such a discussion on a public forum.

This isn't an edition of Jeremy Kyle where you try to get the audience on your side by attacking someone's character. This is a property forum where the same question could have been asked from a property perspective, without washing dirty laundry in public.

i think thats a bit harsh? all i'm doing is asking peoples opinions from an outside view? i'm not naming names, and to compare it to a jeremy kyle show is a bit ott. and how is it not relevent to a property forum? i'm thinking of buying a property but have the problem where my gf wants what we cant afford.

shaven-monkey

Well, if she wants the unaffordable house get her to do the sums and find out how much it will cost.
Then she can pay for it. all.
See how that goes?

geoffky

run a mile mate...let her drown in her own debt

sonastin

hbklea wrote: »

apparently me wanting to settle for a house in that area shows her that i have no ambition and goals.

If she worked towards achieving her ambition and goals, she'd have a deposit as big as yours and you'd be able to buy in the area she wants together. Its her willingness to let you do all the work which means your goals will take longer to achieve.


As for Running Horse's original comment, it was prefaced with "playing devils advocate" - when you only get one side of the story, its always worth taking a moment to think about what the other side's version might be. In this case, I don't see a lot of scope for the gf justifying her stance, but there is no harm in thinking about it!

g_attrill

I would agree that at the very least you need sit at the table with a large pile of bills and show her how much everything is costing and how much she is paying.

This will demonstrate the she isn't paying her way at the moment, and also help demonstrate why you can't afford the £180k house (even if she was paying her share).

I can see where people come from when they say that "love is not measured in money", but it is measured in respect, and (IMO) that would start with ensuring that each person is paying their share of the costs of running a house (apportioned to earnings, if necessary).

Ulfar

I think the GF is in lala land, she has a very cushy life at the moment and doesn't want things to change. In fact she wants the OP to fund an increase in her standard of living. It sounds like the OP has come to his senses and is unwilling to be the only one contributing towards their lifestyle.

I don't think the GF has any respect for the OP, she certainly shouldn't have any self respect.

Jowo_2

hbklea wrote: »

again thanks for the advice, the talk ended up in an arguement, like it normally does. apparently me wanting to settle for a house in that area shows her that i have no ambition and goals. .

Not that my experience necessarily corresponds with yours, but in the case of my friend who lived well above their means and exploited the goodwill of others, she was very passive-aggressive.

Passive, in terms of blaming others or not taking responsibility for issues, sulking, playing the victim, being really chaotic in personal and household matters such as bill paying, honouring contracts and so on, not taking ownership of her debts or resolving any personal issues (just letting things drift), being vague, being deliberately inefficient to avoid being given things to do.

Aggressive, exploding in fury if her excuses were not accepted or if her sob stories had no effect.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

caeler

Please please deal with this now. I was in a similar situation where I paid for more things because I earnt more and eventually I was paying the mortgage, most of the bills and he continued to be awful with money, making sure he kept all his expensive hobbies whilst I was trying to get us out of debt and going without things until I eventually paid off his credit cards repeatedly (or took the debt under my name) and then he left me. I am not for one minute suggesting you don't care a great deal for your partner but now is the time to consider how you want your future to pan out. Money management can make or break a relationship.