my gf is totally unrealistic! what do i do?

sharnad

hbklea wrote: »

again thanks for the advice, the talk ended up in an arguement, like it normally does. apparently me wanting to settle for a house in that area shows her that i have no ambition and goals. no, i said it was a 5 year plan? pay off some money instead of renting, hopefully make a bit of a profit when we come to sell the house. then maybe gete somewhere bigger in the area she wants. money has always been an issue in our relationship, she comes from a family where her dad in the bread winner and pays everythin, while her mums wages are her own. however his job is a very well paid one. but her mum and dad do tend to side with me, well thats after they hear my side of the story. they understandably believetheir daughter when she gives her side of the story first. i would love a house where we live now, but its simple, we cant afford it. the flat i own is 4 wks away from completion so i just need to decide what to do nxt. friends and family say buy the house i want by myself, and let my gf move back with her parents. which i dont think is a bad idea. eps if we do by the house together it'll be my deposit, and all the costs etc will be down to me.

Your friends have taken the words out of my mouth
Buy the house for yourself after selling your flat. Let your girlfriend move back in with her parents and when she grows up a bit and learns to take some responsiblity for her actions rather than using you as a cash cow she can come back if you really want her

olly300

hbklea wrote: »

. money has always been an issue in our relationship, she comes from a family where her dad in the bread winner and pays everythin, while her mums wages are her own. however his job is a very well paid one.

My SILs come from families where their mum never worked and were supported by their dad who was the sole breadwinner.

Two of them definitely didn't have to work at all and contribute to the family pot but all of them decided to:
1. Further their education and gain more qualifications
2. Work
3. Contribute to the family finances so their children have more options

In addition 2 of my SILs, my sister plus some of my female friends earn more than their husbands.

I also have friends with very rich husbands who could choose to sit on their a**es all day - however they have decided to work.

The one of the reason all these women work is they are aware of what happens if the husband loses his job (which is happening in one case) or the business their husband runs goes bust.

Your girlfriend needs to grow up and realise that just because her parents have managed to live one doesn't mean she can live this way. In this case it's because the couples finances don't permit this not because she has the choice.

Instead of arguing tell her that:
1. The world of work is different from her parents time. If you lose your job her wages will be needed for both of you to survive on. (Though I bet she would dump you in this situation. I've had friends who were in this situation for 2 years.)
2. She needs to pay x amount of her wages towards the bills or you want her out within a month.

If she doesn't seem to move out then you get rid of the flat i.e. give notice and move somewhere else on your own. Then move on with your life. You will get another girlfriend who is more mature, realistic and isn't a sponger.

Person_one

The thing is, you've let this go on for 5 years, that's a very long time to be quietly resenting the financial inequalities in your relationship and a long time for your girlfriend to get comfortable in thinking she's found someone like her dad who's happy to pay her way. You are moving the goalposts a bit here, I understand why and I think you should but do it gently!

If you do love her and do want to try for a future together, you'll need to take baby steps and you' need to think of it as educating her and helping her to learn the importance of financial responsibility rather than forcing her to be fair against her will without her really 'getting' why.

Ulfar

Buy the new house yourself and move in without the GF.

From what you have said she is unwilling to see your side and will not change, if you try to force the issue she will leave you anyway. It is probably best if you prepare for the worst now.

You have facilitated her behavior up until now but things have obviously reached the stage where you are unhappy. I get the impression that your relationship is over, you both have to recognize the fact.

ts_aly2000

Very interesting thread this and pushes a few buttons here. I too was involved with someone where all they did was take take take, and was jealous at my ability to create something from nothing. No, it's called applying yourself and trying.

Anyway, this thread is helping me somewhat to see the sort of relationship that I was in (or not more to the point). It's difficult when you love someone and you'll do anything for them. With the tables turned they won't do it for you. Then you think of all the little things they did for you, the kind things, the token things, the nice little things.

But when it came down to it, when there was something to be decided, ..remember the creating something from nothing, they couldn't cope. I was crazy, I was the demon, I was the bad person.

Now here's the silly thing for you to consider... When someone is your partner why should they ever have to worry what they have or what you have, or what they can't do or what you can do?

Why should they ever have to worry when you'll give them everything you ever had? They'll never be hungry, they'll never be homeless, they can have anything that you can magically make appear.

As said, this thread is some comfort to me in dealing with my own fallout. I can see the things that happened and how I was used, yet I can't quite believe it. I actually don't think that I believe it now, and that I still believe there was good in her.

All she cared about was her precious 'image' and what friends/family thought of her. To make her happy was the most fantastic feeling in the Universe. To make her sad (it wasn't exactly hard) made me feel worthless and destroyed.

Yet I'm dealing with it, ...slowly. The site posted is quite true yet I still can't quite believe it : http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/a-shrink-for-men-index/ .

YOU MUST BUY THIS FLAT ON YOUR OWN! You know that. Ultimately it also comes down to being able to provide for her if you want to look at it a different way.

If the two of you are ONE they happy daze, if you're not then you have to look after yourself, ...to be able to look after her. Just because she's not getting her own way is her problem.

I know from my experience that her toys would have been thrown out of the pram, she'd sulk, and probably not talk to me for a week. That's not a relationship to carry you through life happy. But I still love her and it kills me everyday. We haven't spoken properly since May.

Good luck. You have to decide what to do. But being able to provide for her, well you'll still be doing that if you buy on your own.

Lance

If the OP looks around these boards he will see that many people never learn about money except they can go bankrupt and then start borrowing again. If you love her then do your best over the coming years to reason with her and hope secret debts do not get your house taken off you. If you want financial peace of mind then instead of trying to change a person against their will just move on. She will always find ways to borrow money to get what she wants and sounds like she will do. She will also resent you stopping the good phone contract and her gym and this and that......

shebrett

hbklea wrote: »

again thanks for the advice, the talk ended up in an arguement, like it normally does. apparently me wanting to settle for a house in that area shows her that i have no ambition and goals.

hbklea - this is exactly what a manipulative woman would do. My OH is lovely but if I wanted to make him do things my way it would be very easy to guilt him or shame him into it, which is why I go to great lengths not to do this. He's not simple or easily led by any means, he's just straightforward and honest about his emotions like most blokes. I find that generally in life women are much better at talking people into things (good and bad) and unfortunately you've got yourself a humdinger as the americans say!

As per what you wrote above, she is trying to make you feel that you're not trying hard enough to get ahead and that this is a failing on your part. While your so busy feeling bad about it you conveniently forget that by not contributing to the bills she is not trying at all to get ahead. By making you feel bad she is able to focus you on how you feel about yourself rather than how you feel about her. Sorry if it sounds like psychobabble but my pet peeve is manipulative women, wish my stepson would take this same advice I'm giving you!

Bonny1

Running_Horse wrote: »

Would love to hear what she has to say about her two faced boyfriend.

How very Unfair :eek:

The OP has come on here, to express his feelings and frustrations, and clear his head, before making a huge decision that will effect him emotionally and financially, for a very long time.

I don't believe that is being TwoFaced atall. In fact he should be commended, for reaching out, for advice and support from people who have been through similar things.

Stay strong OP, and you know in your heart, what to do. :beer:
best wishes either way...
Bonny

olibrofiz

'As per what you wrote above, she is trying to make you feel that you're not trying hard enough to get ahead and that this is a failing on your part. While your so busy feeling bad about it you conveniently forget that by not contributing to the bills she is not trying at all to get ahead. By making you feel bad she is able to focus you on how you feel about yourself rather than how you feel about her.'

Crikey shebrett - that's fab, from my living with a sponge time it describes me to a T (the failing one) -I had 3 jobs so there was enough money to pay the bills - and was failing cos I wasn't there to do the housework/get meals/take the rubbish out/watch TV with him etc, while he wouldn't work.... Young and gullible I was.

go_cat

Buy the house on your own - there will be no financial links to your girlfriend.

The incentive to buy together is when she can show some financial maturity

i would also have a chat about this situation cannot go on and is driving a huge divide between you both

Good luck