my gf is totally unrealistic! what do i do?

scooby088

When it comes to money in your relationship then i'd kick her into touch, it's so one sided.

[Deleted User]

You should both set up a billing account together (unless she has a bad credit history, in which case put it in your name only) and both have a staanding order to the account on pay day, so all bills are covered more evenly.

This may help her gain a bit more control and understanding about her financial situation. And work out the budget together.

If she's not prepared to commit financially, then she's not in a position to be buying any sort of property.

Errata

Good and solid relationships are founded on shared visions, values and goals. Poor ones aren't and always teeter on the edge of collapse.
The question of buying the house, or not, may be the shove that's finally pushed the relationship off the cliff.

Jowo_2

hbklea wrote: »

.. i take way 1200pm, compared to her 900pm..

hbklea wrote: »

.. actually worked out last night what our payouts were on the flat last month, mine worked out at 850 including the 3 monthly gas and elec bill, compared to her 130..

Yes, she's exploiting you but you facilitate and enable this level of dependency (or scrounging, to be less polite). If it happens once, its not your fault. If it continues, it is your fault - because you are allowing yourself to be exploited.

Currently you are spending around 70% of your disposable income on household expenses while she is spending 14%.

If you buy together, you must enforce discipline over the domestic expenses - the people on this forum can give practical advice but can't give you backbone.

I suggest that you insist and ensure that 50% of your net incomes are direct debited into a joint account from where all the mortgage and bills are paid by direct debit and standing order.

For each major purchase or expense associated with the house, including legal fees, deposit, removals van, new furniture, DIY/decorating she must give you half of the cost upfront or it won't get bought. Put nothing on credit as it will always fall on you to pay it back.

This means you have a joint account with half your net incomes paid into it in proportion to your earnings and half of it for personal disposal income or savings. At just over 1k a month, this will pay all of your mortgage, all bills and may start to accrue a balance that can pay towards home improvements.

Make sure that she has no access to a debit card or cheque book to make withdrawals. Make sure all bills are in joint names so she stops thinking of herself as someone who enjoys all of the lifestyle with none of the responsibility.

If you don't think such simple financial planning will work with her, then you are doomed, and should look to buy your own place.

JonnyBravo

hbklea wrote: »

thanks again for all the replys, my work mates have very similar opinions. actually worked out last night what our payouts were on the flat last month, mine worked out at 850 including the 3 monthly gas and elec bill, compared to her 130. this seriously cant go on. even when she was living at home she paid more than this. think i've got alot to think about this wkend! thanks again everyone!

When you have the "big talk" which is so obviously needed, you should show her those sums. Ask her if she thinks its fair and if it can continue like that.

Set up a separate account in joint names, from which will come the mortgage, the bills, insurance, standing orders etc etc. Add it all up how much you need to put in each month.
She pays in 42.8% and you pay in 57.2% of the money each month. No money is to come out of that account bar what has been budgeted for.
The money you both have left over is yours to do with as you like.

If she doesn't agree, it's time for the heave-ho like others have suggested. It'll only get worse, not better, without that "big talk" and action as a result of it.

Mum_of_3_3

Before we had kids, even though I always earned at least 3x less than my partner, I always put half into the joint account even though this meant I had hardly any money left over.
Friends used to say I was mad and that I should put in 1/4 of all expenses and no more, but I used to reply that I use half of the electric, half of the water, half of the gas etc and it's not my oh's fault I earn less than him and why should he subsidise me when we're not even married or have kids?
Once we had kids and I gave up work for a while he (obviously) paid for everything, which more than made up for the 'underpayments' he made before kids.

Your girlfriend sounds very, very selfish. I thought you were going to say you took home £2500 and she took home £900 or something similar, but you earn the same as her more or less, so why should you pay everything and she gets to spend her money on luxuries?
I would sit down with her and say that this can't go on, from today onwards you are paying half of all bills and no more. You will need to be firm on this and not give in the next time she has no money or else it will go on forever. You are not a money tree and she has no right to go through your relationship thinking that you will pick up the tab all the time.

You now say she wants to buy the house, of course she does. She gets to move out of rented accommodation into a house of her own in a nice quiet road. but best of all she gets to do this for only £130 a month :eek: Who else do you know that lives away from home for £130 a month all in????

Ask yourself is she the woman you want to have a family with, grow old with, spend the next 50 years with? If not then get out now whilst you have no ties.

Jowo_2

Aside from practical advice, do you have any theories why you capitulate to her selfishness and why she is so exploitative? Currently you are a soft touch and she is sounds quite immature. What are you actually getting out of the relationship? Could you do with a break or a chat with mates to get fresh perspective before being tied into such a high and costly responsibility as a joint mortgage?

I analysed one of my friends who was very reckless with money and had people running around after her to fix, decorate and furnish her flat, repair her car and PC, pay her debts and bills and social expenses. She generated a lot of goodwill and people bent over backwards to help her with gifts and services which were not reciprocated because if you asked for a favour back, she either didn't do it, did it badly so she wasn't asked again or fobbed it off on someone else. For example, someone paid her mobile phone debt despite her just coming back from a 3 week holiday in Asia, someone else paid for her spare room to be decorated so she could get a lodger to help with her finances (but she never got around to getting one),several people worked on her CV while she surfed dating websites for a boyfriend, etc. You couldn't make it up.

Her tactics were to make people feel sorry for her (sob stories on tap about her hard luck with evil employers, horrible colleagues, !!!!less boyfriends, cruel service providers), being charming (inviting someone round for dinner, but could they bring a drill with them, please, please), coming across as really girly (not able to do the most simple of household activities, such as changing a lightbulb) and a wonderful tactic where she made herself invisible despite being physically present (such as when it's her turn to buy a round of drinks, pay towards a taxi fare, refund the cost of ticket, chip into a meal). If any criticism or queries were raised on this, she became aggressive,and said that this is what friends do, she deserved it and would drop anyone who stopped doing favours for her.

Are there other areas in the relationship you are concerned about given her lack of responsibility and tendency towards an easy life?

azkaban420

Hi OP, you've got some tough decisions to make, but whatever you decide, please ensure you don't commit to buying a house with her and 'giving her a chance to improve her ways'. She needs to start growing up and taking more responsibilities for her/joint finances BEFORE you move in to a house together. If she proves she can do this, then you can think about getting the house you want, and sharing it and the finances with her. Otherwise she may just give you more false promises, and move into a nicer house, and just be the same sponger again.

God luck whatever you decide...I really hope you put a stop to bailing her out anymore.

Az

RAS

Please, whatever you decide, do not open any joint accounts with her, as her bad credit rating will wreck yours.

And wahatever you do, send her over the the debtfree wannabee forum and they will start to sort her out.

split_second

shared bills should be exactly that. shared. equally. if she has a loan that is HER loan, and not yours. if you had a loan it but be yours and not hers, you wouldnt expect to pay less into the house just cos you had it