Call Me Callous if you like....but maybe i'm not.

Jowo_2

Domestic abuse isn't limited to physical violence, nor perpetrated solely by men (women can be the aggressor or it can be a mutually abusive relationship).

It can involve psychological, economic, emotional abuse, too.

Here's some random ones that show it doesn't always involve fists - the thrust is that it's about trying to control someone and their decision making, can include isolating them from others, financially disadvantaging them or exploiting them, pressurising them into doing things that they don't want to, a desire for power over them, a lack of respect towards them. The abusers behaviour often comes from a sense of entitlement, jealousy and possessiveness.


Pressure tactics: sulking...

Isolation: ..preventing you from seeing friends and relatives...

Breaking trust: ...being jealous...




http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041&sectionTitle=Domestic+violence+%28general%29

ILW

Jowo wrote: »

Domestic abuse isn't limited to physical violence, nor perpetrated solely by men (women can be the aggressor or it can be a mutually abusive relationship).

It can involve psychological, economic, emotional abuse, too.

Here's some random ones that show it doesn't always involve fists - the thrust is that it's about trying to control someone and their decision making, can include isolating them from others, financially disadvantaging them or exploiting them, pressurising them into doing things that they don't want to, a desire for power over them, a lack of respect towards them. The abusers behaviour often comes from a sense of entitlement, jealousy and possessiveness.


Pressure tactics: sulking...

Isolation: ..preventing you from seeing friends and relatives...

Breaking trust: ...being jealous...




http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041&sectionTitle=Domestic+violence+%28general%29

Are we referring to the OP here?

FatVonD

Mustbeananswer?? wrote: »

It certainly feels like she's wasting 52 x £100 a week renting when there is a bed (or two) here for her to start with.

Meaning that once you've bullied her into giving up her own home to sort out your financial mess you intend at some point to make her some homeless?

I'm sure I'm not the only person hoping you indeed ARE a troll.

HeidiHi

Mustbeananswer?? wrote: »

Now that the insults have stopped we can start to debate properly....see post 147 from someone who has actually been in my position for your answer!!!


Whilst you make some good points in your headings you cannot look at it like a Science....see also the BBC article about the Guy living on his own.

It's not science, it's maths! This is a money saving site. This is supposed to be a money saving purely finance orientated thread. As Tom Cruise used to say "Show me the money!"

I know you don't want to address anything emotional but if Jackie can't bear to have you in her home then I can't see her ever making your house her home with you in it.

Especially as you seem to want to ride roughshod over her perfectly understandable feelings in the name of financial gain.

You may want to keep her feelings out of it but I expect they are important to her.

Perhaps she has a better idea of her finances and your finances than we do and she doesn't agree with you that she would be financially better off moving in with you.

Perhaps she'e even done a couple of sums?

hazyjo

If I were in my late 40s when I met someone and was with them for 5 years, I'd have definitely moved in with them or we'd have bought a house together - as I'm sure a lot of people would (can't speak for everyone obviously, but am sure the majority would). Relationships tend to move quicker the older you are (my experience, anyway!). My hubby saw his last GF for about 10 years without living with her (they would have been similar ages to the two of you - she was slightly older), but then neither really wanted to live together (they got on and holidayed together, but tbh nobody really liked her and they knew they'd never get on if they lived under the same roof) and they valued their independence. She had 2 older kids. I met him a couple of years after they'd split up and he'd moved in within a few months. Suppose I'm saying if it ain't happened by now, it probably ain't gonna be happening any time soon. We both still enjoy our independence, but want to do things together too and want to actually live with each other. Definitely some decisions to be made - but, if I were in your shoes - I'd have made them long ago (and, if I'm honest, I wouldn't still be with her).

Jx

Jacks_xxx

HeidiHi wrote: »

It's not science, it's maths!

I was just going to say the exact same thing!

Martin, It's my opinion that Jackie would be more secure housing wise and feel more secure emotionally, if she stays where she is - because of what you have said about men and her home don't mix.

However, if you want me to agree with you that she would be better off financially moving in with you - in the short term at least - then all you need to do is post two numbers.

What she pays now,

and what you would expect her to pay in your house.

Until you work those numbers out this is just airy fairy nonsense that has nothing to do with finances, and everything to do with your current desperate emotional state.

I knoiw this doesn't sound like a kind post but I think sometimes you have to speak directly in order to help someone.

neverdespairgirl

debrag wrote: »

Happens alot with HA property especially in London. My partnrs nephew in his 20's still lives with his mother, 2 people on my street in their late 20's lives with their mother. People at my work still live at home. People just can't afford to move out.

Some people actually like living with their families. They all get on well, and enjoy it.

poet123

Your mistake is to think that finance is the central player here for jackie. Rightly, given her history, security and safety overide that, and probably always will. If you ever want to move forward you need to focus on the emotional aspect of the relationship and what you can give to her in that way, and more importantly what you will not take from her in that way.

She has given you clear indicators of how she views your POV by referring to it as "Martins World" you are missing the nuances, and actually far from needing to hear male voices, it is female voices you need to give you an insight into how Jackie will be viewing your relationship, these voices can help you achieve your aims if you listen and take onboard what they are trying to make you see.

With respect, two previously failed marriages does not give you a great track record in this arena, you may feel aggrieved and that you were the innocent party on both occasions, and that may even be true. However, to be brutally honest, and despite your protestations, you do come across as self centred, blinkered and cold. Not the best attributes for a partner. This may not be the true picture, but if that is what Jackie sees lurking beneath the surface then you need to realise that, and be aware of how that will colour her judgement.

So, I do think that this situation needs addressing so that you can either cut your losses (emotional ones) and find a partner more in tune with you for a longterm future, but it needs careful handling, and not to be presented as a balance sheet, but as an emotional need for greater intimacy and a shared life.

Nor can you ever expect to have a mother choose between you and her son.....ever.

RenovationMan

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Some people actually like living with their families. They all get on well, and enjoy it.

We do. My parents live next door to us in our converted stables. We all benefit from the arrangement.

Caroline_a

My last relationship was abusive at time, and I decided that I was quite happy from now on in being on my own. I have lots of friends who keep saying 'you might find someone else' but don't seem to understand that I'm really ok!

Maybe Jackie is really ok as things are too!