Call Me Callous if you like....but maybe i'm not.

bunglesabout

Martin, before you decide to end this thread, you should try and think honestly about some of the answers you have been given here.
I appreciate that some of them may not have been given in the friendliest of manners but they are legitimate answers to your question.
I think we all agree (including me) that issuing Jackie with an ultimatum will not further your cause and that using financial reasons will definitely back fire.
Taking your person views out of this equation you need to be realistic about your options. It is highly unlikely that she will change the habits of the last 5 years overnight and suddenly move in with you, so you need to review all other ways of improving your cash flow.

1. move in with her
2. get a lodger
3. sell your house and downsize

These are just a few of several options open to you, but they are no good if you will not give them serious consideration.

I do concur with the general view that your way involves pressuring Jackie into doing something she does not want to do and also depriving her of her independence. But in saying that I can also look at the financial points.
Jackie already shares a two person home with someone she does trust; her son. Her rent is undoubtably lower than your mortgage, she has a high level of freedom and having a HA home means she will always have a secure place to live.
You will never be able to be able to improve on these points using force (ultimatums) and even if she finally moved in with you under duress, she would eventually resent this and the fact that you pushed her into it to help you with your money worries.

You need to stop looking at what you want and start focusing on what you have to do to get out of your financial difficulties.

Living with Jackie full time means building her trust and this can only be done in small steps, not giant leaps.

This is a money site, so focus on resolving your money worries first and then work on the relationship.

Bungle

ekkygirl

I have read some though not all of the posts and am surprised at some of the hostility directed towards the OP (along with some good advise), If this was a woman she would be advised to get rid of a man reluctant to commit.

That said, I think the lady in question cannot move in with OP as where would her son live? The HA would not let him stay and may not house him as he is not in the vulnerable age group to qualify for homeless legislation.The OP doesn't want him with them so really unless he ups' and leaves she won't be ready to move any time soon.

She is probably a good mum putting her boy first, I would do that regardless of his age.
I she won't commit then maybe you need to move on and find someone who wants the full life sharing.

Your posts do sound a bit money grabbing but maybe that is not intentional, I dont know you so can't comment (I just did lol)

BitterAndTwisted

The OP is in desperate financial straits and appears to be grasping at straws to find a way of resolving the situation. The solution he has latched onto is for his partner to move in and share expenses and he appears not to want to hear anything which may deflect him from this view. It's just a pity that his partner doesn't appear to want to play ball. I don't blame her really as he doesn't sound like much of a prospect for a secure financial future together.

Jowo_2

OP writes "most of the others have been very quick to condemn me without knowing Jackie or I."

Well, that'll be the nature of a forum where the members have never met the OP and can only rely on the information provided.

The information in this thread paints a rather unpleasant picture of you and makes us feels sorry for Jackie who you plan to give immature ultimatums so you can reduce your outgoings....

courteener

nutsohazelnuts wrote: »

Before I go, could you possibly explain what you mean by your references to "subbing it" "handbags" and people being "colonial"? I genuinely have no idea what meaning you are trying to convey.

I don't understand any of those sayings either. I asked my Mum and she said she didn't either but I wasn't to repeat the colonial one because it was very rude to say that.

giddypenguin wrote: »

Please just listen to what people here are saying (yes, I understand some have been rude, but their advice is still helpful) .

My Mum says you get back what you put out into the world, so if you are rude and angry to people then people will be rude and angry back. I have aspergers and I have problems understanding the emotional side of things at times. Martin, my Mum says a lot of people your age have it but they have never been diagnosed. It might explain why you seem at cross purposes with everybody else. I know that feeling.

HeidiHi

ekkygirl wrote: »

If this was a woman she would be advised to get rid of a man reluctant to commit.

Martin has been advised the same thing, by multiple different posters, but I'm not sure that being a man or a woman has anything to do with it.

Mustbeananswer??

courteener wrote: »

My Mum says you get back what you put out into the world, so if you are rude and angry to people then people will be rude and angry back. I have aspergers and I have problems understanding the emotional side of things at times. Martin, my Mum says a lot of people your age have it but they have never been diagnosed. It might explain why you seem at cross purposes with everybody else. I know that feeling.

I thank you for your concern courteneer and am really sorry that you have to cope with what you mentioned.

However your Mothers cyber-diagnosis of me is totally wrong....and I'm not sure wether its actually true that a lot of 52-year olds have it as she claims.

Suffice to say that I have fantastic relationships with all of my Family and being a DJ have a large circle of friends(three of which I haven't used yet...Its an old gag.)

I am the happiest Man in the Village (make up your own gags)....but focused on sorting out a problem that needs dealing with....otherwise I won't remain that way.

If you want rude and angry...see the other posters...not me!!:eek::eek::eek:

Primarni

not_loaded wrote: »

You made it quite clear early on that you just wanted positive ‘votes’ for your position (preferably from men) on this.

I think this is the crux of it.

Martin, You may not be angry and you may not think you have been rude, but plenty of us seem to think you have come across that way. Jacks gave just a few examples of where, one from the very first post.

I took particular umbrage at "subbing it" when it appears that "it" means Jackie.:eek: Calling women "Colonial" manages to be both racist and sexist in one hit, and I agree with Courteener's mum, it is rude. Are all the references to "handbags" and "Loose Women" meant to be funny? Because they just got my back up. I found them rude.

Dozens of people have posted on this thread and most of them have not been even a teeny bit rude to you. They've disagreed with you, they've been confused by some of the things you say, and they have requested concrete information to back up your position, but most of them have not been rude.

I know some have, and I'm sorry for that, but tarring everyone with the same brush is just not on.

Mustbeananswer??

Primarni wrote: »

I know some have, and I'm sorry for that, but tarring everyone with the same brush is just not on.

You're right in everything you say Primarni...and to the genuine posters..... and there are many..... I apologise.....;);)

SouthernBellE*

Mustbeananswer?? wrote: »

You're right in everything you say Primarni...and to the genuine posters..... and there are many..... I apologise.....;);)

:TCeasefire/truce!

MBAA

I've looked through your previous threads. It does appear that you are genuinely in difficulty and do genuinely need advice to your problem.

Honest best advice I can offer has been mentioned many times.

If you want to stay where you are but free up some cash, consider the other option of taking in a lodger. You may find you're back on your feet in 6 months or so.

Could you clarify, is it now 1 property or divided into 2?

If you have the 2 in 1, you have one and can rent out the second, payments for which should easily cover your loan & cc p'ments

If it's 1 property but spare rooms, you can still up your income & improve your current crisis

DFW board. Very helpful and supportive if you post your SOA, they'll help with tips to slash your outgoings


Worth considering & best options IMO.

Good luck!