Call Me Callous if you like....but maybe i'm not.

Mustbeananswer??

bunglesabout wrote: »

Hi Martin
Just a quick query. Your main focus (in financial terms) seems to be Jackie moving in with you, but what is wrong with you (temporarily) moving in with her?
This would allow you to 'trial' living together. You would be able to rent or possibly sell your property, which would allow you to generate money, as living with Jackie would mean bills split 3 ways.
Yes her son (and you) may be unhappy with this, but it would be Jackie's decison to make and if you are struggling financially and need help, ask her for it. Her response will tell you a great deal about where she sees your future going.

Also, not sure how HA work, but if you moved in, would you go on her rent book, and thereby be able to get their assistance should things take a turn for the worse?

There are several options open to you here (including ones already posted) but you do seem focused on Jackie making all the sacrifices here instead of compromise and as unpalatable as it may seem we all have to do things we don't like to do in the course of life.

All of this is hypothetical of course and I am no financial advisor, but my partner sold her property and moved in with me, as financially it made better sense (my mortgage is lower than hers). However it wasn't a instant decison and I didn't try and force the issue.
I just gave her the facts and figures, gave the options (and there were more than one) and let her make her own mind up.

I do have to say though, that if Jackie has not shown any interest in living fully with you in the last 5 years, that it is unlikely she will change this position by you trying to 'push' her in to do so. And mainly quoting financial reasons will probably backfire on you badly.

At the end of the day though (from a financial perspective) I truly do believe that the 'safest' and most 'cost effective' option for both of you would be for you to live in Jackies house. She doesn't lose her secure home, you do not lose any money and if things don't work out after the trial, you can both go your seperate ways without (financial) cost to either yourself or her.

Just my thoughts.....

Bungle

How nice....Bungle....a measured post...we are getting a few now.

Despite the picture being painted of me on this site that would be an excellent solution.I would happily rent my house out and move in with Jackie and her Son....and take the responsibility of making it work.

However Jackie has trust issues with men....having had a small trail of Partners who have lost their temper (get my drift) with her.Its clear that I'm not a catch to the early posters on this thread....but I might be to Jackie because I am totally different.Because of her previous Partners I am hardly welcome at her home(even when her Son is not there) and have only ever spent two nights at her house in nearly six years.

Could have been a fantastic solution......surprised it took nearly 200 posts for it to surface....

Thanks Again!!

clutton_2

i think you must just respect her decision and not try to force her into anything... you will only lose her trust which you have spent 6 years building up

if she is happy with the status quo.. then you must find another way to deal with your finances which do not involve her.

Jowo_2

Mustbeananswer?? wrote: »

How nice....Bungle....a measured post...we are getting a few now.

....
Could have been a fantastic solution......surprised it took nearly 200 posts for it to surface....

It's fine for you to pluck the domestic violence background out of the air now but your original post, which you have been castigated for, focussed mainly on your resistance to her being independent and your resentment of how much running a solo household costs - "financial suicide".

I think its great how she is pushing back on someone trying to control her finances and relationship with others, seems she's not such a doormat anymore.

debrag

Brb wrote: »

I'd not want to give up the security of tenure with HA property either. Who is to say that you find you couldn't actually live together (I'm a beast to live with haha) she'd then find herself homeless.

It could pass to her son leaving it in the family.

bunglesabout

Martin,
if Jackie has these kind of trust issues, then I doubt very much she will happily move in with you full time without a build up to it.

If you get a lodger to ease some of your finacial issues, this would then give you the option of asking to stay at Jackie's house each weekend, instead of yours.

If she truly cares for you, she would do this, especially if she knows that you have been forced to rent a room due to your difficulties and that this is currently your only option and that you are doing this so that she can keep her weekly independence and still have a relationship with you.
I'm not saying this would be a long term solution (although it could be) but it would help build up her trust of you, especially if she felt both of you had compromised to keep your relationship going and you were staying with her by her own choice, not your insistance.

Based upon her worries I think if she is not willing to compromise on this point, you need to accept her limitations on your relationship or walk away.

Build some trust first and then you may find she will not be so adverse to living with you full time.
However you need to tell her about your situation and ask for her help first. As I said before, her response will tell you a great deal about where you are going. The hardest part will be accepting her answer. Especially if it is not the answer you want.

Bungle

debrag

geoffky wrote: »

The son sounds like a cuckoo in the nest....26 and still clinging to mummy...

Happens alot with HA property especially in London. My partnrs nephew in his 20's still lives with his mother, 2 people on my street in their late 20's lives with their mother. People at my work still live at home. People just can't afford to move out.

Mustbeananswer??

Jowo wrote: »

It's fine for you to pluck the domestic violence background out of the air

I've already said far too much...and have not been fair to my partner by releasing information that is personal.......anonymouslyish or not!!

I believe these Forums have something called Moderators or something.If anyone knows of one would they draw their attention to the thread and either delete or end it.There are some hideous posts on here.

As long as the thread is here I'm going to feel compelled to defend myself and as long as I stay on it people are going to feel compelled to have a swipe!!!:(:(

I would appreciate someones help!!!:):)

Leory

No doubt you do have good intentions for Jackie. I just think you are approaching this in the wrong way and perhaps too much from your side and not hers.

If she has trust issues then it will take longer to make a desicion. I think you have said that you have been with her for 6 years(?). perhaps she was with ex's for 6 years or more before the problems started and is worried about not having the security if problems arise again (not saying you would of course, but see it from her point of view)

can she not stay at yours for more than a weekend? Week perhaps and start to build it up if she will. Then when it feels like she is settling at yours, ask the question then.

at the moment it feels like you have a weekend only relationship and you are trying to go full blown in one huge step.

iB1

Well - before you apply to close the thread I'll just touch on some of the points you've made recently.

It's obvious from what you've said that Jackie has a few trust issues with partners, due to events that have happened in the past. Now remember, although you might be a better class of guy than her previous partners, she's obviously been burnt before and as a result is naturally cautious about the living arrangements.

From what you've said, she's not overly happy about you staying at hers. Coupled with the fact that you and her son don't see eye to eye, that's obviously a non-starter. If she wishes to maintain her independence, then I'm afraid that you won't get her to move in with you permanently. You mentioned that you were left with nothing but the shirt on your back when you previous marriages failed. If Jackie gives up her house, moves in with you and the relationship ends, she'd be in the exact same position as you were. Can you see how she probably feels about that?

If you're struggling a bit money wise, then getting a lodger is probably the best solution. I can understand that you might prefer a bit of privacy, but you might be lucky and find a lodger that's only around during the week and that leaves the weekends clear for you and Jackie.

wannabe_sybil

There are no moderators on MSE. If you feel that someone has been abusive then you can report them to abuse, but really you have got off very lightly, seriously. Have a look at some of the other boards on this forum - ebay can be a bit rough and tumble, as can discussion time. Praise and Vent seems to attract abrasive posters.

If Jackie moves in...
...and she is on the deeds, but not on the mortgage, then should you go bankrupt she is likely to be forced out as the Official Receiver sells the house to pay creditors, and then she is homeless, with little or no equity.
...and she is on the deeds and the mortgage (btw you would need to do a joint remortgage for this so it may not be possible if you have credit problems) then should you go bankrupt not only would she likely be forced out for sale of house but she would be liable for the entire mortgage and still homeless.
...and you have not put her on deeds or mortgage but you go bankrupt then she is homeless when the Official Receiver forces sale.

Creditors can put a charge on a property and then force sale. This is usually theory rather than practice (in my limited experience). However it could happen.

You moving in with Jackie seems inappropriate as she is obviously uncomfortable with it or you would have stayed more and there is the issue of the son.

Even if Jackie moves in and contributes, there will very likely have to be lifestyle choices dictated by your cashflow problems. Life may well still be lived in straitened circumstances.

Summary - Jackie moving in appears to put her at a significant disadvantage. Unless you make lifestyle changes then you may not benefit enough to significantly change any money problems.

Note - men 'do not lose their temper' in a domestic violence situation. They may like to pretend to, but physical violence is after a long, long journey of escalating emotional abuse and often financial abuse as well. It is about power and control, not about 'losing their temper'. Now you are trying to bully Jackie to do something that she does not want to do for your advantage. It may ring unintended but uncomfortable echoes of past experiences. I do not believe that you are an abuser, but your behaviour could (note - could!) be seen as similar to the start of classic isolation, forced dependence and control pattern of abuse. I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS but it may worry Jackie

Edited to add - women also are the perpetrators of domestic violence. I have used the masculine for the abuser in this example as the dynamic referred to is male on female domestic violence. This is not the only type.