Call Me Callous if you like....but maybe i'm not.

sonastin

Mustbeananswer?? wrote: »

So could we go back to the financial aspect please.Does living on your own cost you 5 Grand a year or not...as per the BBC article??:beer::beer:

Simple answer - no it doesn't. The BBC article is based in statistics and generalisations. Unless you have a VERY average life, it is unlikely that it applies to your situation. If you can't be bothered to do your sums, don't bother asking for advice.

Mustbeananswer??

Sorry, There are a lot of posts here so I haven't read them all so I might be repeating something


I rejoin the debate simply to answer a well thought out post....which I have waited 135 posts for Thank You.With that in mind I will answer as honestly as possible.








After 5 years you must have discussed future plans.

Jackie steers away from this subject.



Has she always insisted on independance, if she has then fair enough. OR was there a expectation from the start that she would move in with you soon?

Neither....I know how much she values it and she knows how we could be both be difficult to live with.

If so, I think you have a reasonable expection that she should start considering it.

I agree that this is a reasonable expectation under these circumstances...


If she is in HA accomodation it could be that she is worried about losing her independence all together - HA properties are not easy to come by and if she gives it up, it is unlikely that she would get another should anything go wrong with your relationship.

Of course.But we have never been in a position when we are working together towards a happy retirement.I have as much of a responsibility to make it work as her.It is something I take very seriously.

It may be worth a trial/transition period where she starts spending more time at your house but still keeps up her own house.

Very astute....this would have been the news that would have jarred everyone off tonight.....

You are of course asking her to give up her independance (in your own words). It's a big thing to ask so have you done anything to show your commitment?


I'm not keen on marraige for the third time having been cruelly treated by the courts previously.Jackie ....I can sense would not be keen either!!Good point tho.


It might help to rephrase the way you're talking about it as well. "We should move in because it makes financial sense" doesn't sounds as good as "We should live together because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you"

I frequently tell Jackie I love her....this is usually when we are at home together.I have tried every possible approach to change her mind.

We were discussing the financial implications of the situation on a financial site....I don't see why anyone would want to get involved in the emotional element of my relationship on a moneysaving site.

Suffice to say I have never been spoken to so rudely anywhere before...it hasn't done a lot for my faith in human nature.Good luck to the perpetrators of Team Jackie though I thought it would have been polite to ask her if thats what she wanted before you constructed it....

My first foray into the world of forums....i'll not be bothering again.

The quoted post was splendid thanks...:beer:



Apologies....had to post as quick reply and hasn't turned out quite right!!I was trying honest answers to an excellent post by serious saver....thanks.

SouthernBellE*

Sorry for any offence but your attitude is quite offensive.

You describe all these things you love about her but to save a few bob a year, you'd rob her of many of those qualities.

You have these amazing dynamics when she visits you, hard to maintain when you live under the same roof. You both have the best of both worlds and if you make the most of each other when you're together, who knows?

She sounds like a good woman, she could have easily jumped at the chance, paid towards your bills and then boogered off after laying claim to your home etc.

Sounds like you've both been screwed over in the past, it's made you unsure of ever remarrying and it's clearly made her cautious and protective of her independance.

Respect each others views and opinions, hers are equally as important as yours but she has so much more to lose.

If she never feels as though her son would always be welcome.....not much hope for you I'm afraid, boyfriends and husbands may come and go but our kids are always our kids!

Have you ever considered how you'd feel if she was to become unemployed, would you support her without making her feel an inconvenience to you, I'm sure she is thinking in broader terms than you.

If it wasn't broke, why change it. Trying to insist on change or giving her an ultimatum will force her into a different direction to you.


A womans opinion and not valued to you but it was Jackie's opinion that you should have taken notice of.

not_loaded

sonastin wrote: »

Simple answer - no it doesn't. The BBC article is based in statistics and generalisations. Unless you have a VERY average life, it is unlikely that it applies to your situation. If you can't be bothered to do your sums, don't bother asking for advice.

Yes, spot on! Doing your sums can be boring, but it’s extremely important on occasion, especially if you run a business as you say you do.

Were you “far too busy to run the figures” when you ran into severe financial trouble before?

Mustbeananswer?? wrote: »

…Suffice to say I have never been spoken to so rudely anywhere before...it hasn't done a lot for my faith in human nature…

I’ve read this since post #1 and you’ve been spoken to directly, not rudely. Just because you don’t like what you hear doesn’t mean it’s rude.

You made it quite clear early on that you just wanted positive ‘votes’ for your position (preferably from men) on this.

That’s not what ‘the world of forums’ is for.

Leory

MBAA

She wouldnt be saving any money per year at all would she? Tell me i am wrong but wouldnt this 5k be going towards the cost at your place, rent, bills, food etc.

bearing in mind that her son will no doubt be bringing money in and it doesnt look so rosey for her.

As i said earlier though, if she really wanted to move in with you then money wouldnt matter and she would move in with you.
Sorry, but she obviously likes her independence too much/doesnt like you enough

honey06

Mustbeananswer?? wrote: »

Jackie comes to stop very weekend as we share a Disco and Kids Party Business.We both have secure full-time jobs during the week.

I want us to live together and have wanted that since the first year.Jackie loves her independence and has an unusually strong bond with her son(26) who still lives at home and hates me with a vengeance.I personally think she is doing him no favours by still wet-nursing him.her son will ALWAYS be her child however old she/he are, and this is most likely the single most important relationship in her life. His dislike of you, and your antagonism towards him do not bode well for the long term future between you & Jackie. It is NOT your place to judge her or her son. As you value published reports and use those to back up your own decisions, perhaps you should read articles such as this one...http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/6087282/Third-of-parents-see-boomerang-grown-up-children-moving-back-into-family-home.html. Times have changed a great deal since you left home as a teenager, and unfortunately many young adults are not in a financial position to become totally independant at this age.
If the relationship were to last in this form another 5 years
...What I am in fact doing is investing big licks in her independence.....which I don't particularly want her to have.
Her feelings are valid and you cant discount them just because its something you dont want
Take her son,our emotions and everything else out of the equation.It is financial suicide carrying on like this isn't it???you may want to take her sn & her emotions out of the equation, she may well feel very differently and be unwilling or unable to do so

Primarni wrote: »

Can we have some accurate factual figures then MBAA? Obviously you've done the number crunching comparing her living expenses at the moment with her projected expenses if she moves in with you? How close to £5k is it?

You're wouldn't be nagging Jackie to make a massive life change based on some hypothetical figures in a random article without running the actual numbers would you? :eek:

As other posters have said, if you're really so desperate that the blinkers are firmly fixed on and you can't see what's wrong with this plan you need to get over to Debt Free Wannabees sharpish.
With accurate numbers.

Mustbeananswer?? wrote: »

Sorry, There are a lot of posts here so I haven't read them all so I might be repeating something

I rejoin the debate simply to answer a well thought out post....which I have waited 135 posts for Thank You.With that in mind I will answer as honestly as possible.

After 5 years you must have discussed future plans.

Jackie steers away from this subject.

Has she always insisted on independance, if she has then fair enough. OR was there a expectation from the start that she would move in with you soon?

Neither....I know how much she values it and she knows how we could be both be difficult to live with.

If so, I think you have a reasonable expection that she should start considering it.
I agree that this is a reasonable expectation under these circumstances...
the post you are replying to pointed out that if there was NO previous expectation that she move in, that it was fair enough that she doesnt-- you ignored this
You think it reasonable to expect her to move in with you under these circumstances... these circumstances being your current financial crisis as a result of the impulsive house purchase & renovation. You are unwilling to sell the house and YOU EXPECT Jackie to solve your problem by moving in with you.

But we have never been in a position when we are working together towards a happy retirement.I have as much of a responsibility to make it work as her.It is something I take very seriously.
Rather than pressuring her to solve your self made current cash crisis for you perhaps you could sort your finances out, and then discuss with Jackie how you can work together in future??

It may be worth a trial/transition period where she starts spending more time at your house but still keeps up her own house.

Very astute....this would have been the news that would have jarred everyone off tonight.....

I frequently tell Jackie I love her....this is usually when we are at home together.I have tried every possible approach to change her mind.
and as yet you have NOT succeeded

.

Martin, the information you have posted yourself about your situation is summarised above. You say you want Jackie to be happy? then stop pressuring her to move in NOW just because you want or need her to, stop being judgemental and antagonistic towards her son and sort your finances out yourself. Then focus on building a future together.

Perhaps Jackie refers to "Martin's world" as you are quite blinkered, single minded and unable to see another point of view in general??
this is the impression you are giving with your posts on here.

Jen151

Love this thread! please dont leave forever Martin, i think you're quite a character

Mustbeananswer??

not_loaded wrote: »

I’ve read this since post #1 and you’ve been spoken to directly, not rudely. Just because you don’t like what you hear doesn’t mean it’s rude.

JEN.....

I'll not leave the thread ....

I read back through the posts and tried to Multiquote the insults and slurs aimed at me and the system coudn't handle it.So the post above is a good start to show the calibre of SOME of the posters in this thread...because that is not fact to start off with.

Read back through my posts...they are not damming anyone on here for having an opinion.....

If calling me a "son of a *****" is not rude I don't know what is.

So posters....
Carry on being rude to me....if you wish.....but bring my Mum into it at your peril.... :(:(:(

jinky67

MMAA

You Sir, are an arse, that is all there is to it.

And you sound exactly like my ex FIL and my ex .....who have their opinions and will not ever deviate from them no matter what people say

themagicprincess

Jackie doesn't want to live with you. Get over it or move on.

End of.