Partner is losing battle with cancer and I don't know what to do next

charlies_mum

Coolusername, my heart really goes out to you. We lost my Mum seven years ago to cancer, and I also felt useless.

She was in hospital, but was desperate to come home, so I sorted out all the practical things and we got her home for her last few weeks. Marie Cure and Macmillan were fabulous, they stayed at night so my sister and I could get some rest, and we had Macmillan nurses from the Hospice at Home team with us all the way. Thanks to these fabulous nurses, we even managed to get a few laughs and were able to be with her at the end.

Please contact Macmillan, they are wonderful.

Take care xx

summerday

Coolusername, you sound like a fantastic partner and even though you may feel useless at times it's clear to us that you care so much and are doing all you possibly can for her.

As others have said, please look after yourself as well, look into all support available for carers and take it up. Chat on this board whenever you need to, as well as carers support charities. See if your daughter's school has any school counselling links if it would help her.

I'm not sure if this is appropriate (sorry if it upsets you), but if she hasn't already, perhaps your partner (with your help) could try to put together a memory boy or something for your daughter when she is older, to remember her Mum and everything about her?

My thought are with your family, take care,
sarah xx

meritaten

coolusername - please dont rely on GP or hospital for pain relief for your wife. From personal experience with loved ones, I found them useless. the best people are (St Davids Foundation, Macmillan). their nurses are marvellous at finding the best pain relief (and method of delivery of it).there is no reason for your wife to be in pain. your role now is to be the one who finds the best care for her! see? you arent useless!
social services can help with aids for her care - stair lifts to go to the bathroom, wheelchairs if needed, even very soft duckdown 'nests' for her to sleep on if she finds ordinary matresses too hard. most of the charities will help you apply for these aids. also you may need financial help and they can help with that too.
its a lot to take in on top of this devastating news I know. but this is how you can help your wife. make her comfortable, ease her pain, be there for her and please dont leave the kids out of her care. I am sure they know that mum is ill, let them care for her too. even if its only getting her water when she wants it.

blondette31

Coolusername I'm so so sorry to hear what you, your wife and daughter are going through, memories and time spent together now are so precious for you all. Although you may feel useless you are not your wife needs you now more than ever to reassure her and help keep her as comfortable as possible. Cancer is such a devestating illness, it must be so hard for you to remain positive but please pursue the clinical trials route and don't give up hope as miracles do happen. huge hugs my thoughts are with you all x

hannah-j_3

Hi coolusername, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of what your wife and you and your daughter are going through, it must be heartbreaking for you all, please do not give up on any trials and stay positive, i lost my Mum as a teenager to this horrible diease and my biggest regret was not being able to see a cure being found then for her, that was 23 years ago so hopefully there will be a cure soon. xx

mumcoll

I so sympathise and empathise with you. My lovely sister had bowel cancer and died at her home in March this year (age 51). The Macmillan nurses were so good with her, and after she had died, treated her with such dignity, talking to her as if she was alive. Her youngest son was 16 and we have watched him turn into a man over the past six months.

About a month before she died my sister asked if we would all stop pretending it wasn't going to happen and to be honest with her. She really needed to talk about lots of things, including her death, funeral etc. I asked her if she wanted to say anything to me and if she wanted me to say anything in particular to her. (I apologised for teasing her when we were kids). We laughed and cried and felt incredibly close. I told her I would miss her so so much. I then wrote her a letter so she could read the words over again.

In her case, she had certainly accepted what was going to happen, much more than we, her family did. Her quote - that she used many times 'cancer is !!!!!!' is now a website with information for people in similar situations.

My thoughts are with all of you and any other families going through this.