Partner is losing battle with cancer and I don't know what to do next

ERICS_MUM

This might be insignificant but it is an example of some of the "comforts" that might be available for your OH. Our local hospice has a beautifully decorated bathroom with a special hoist to help people have a bath with candles and skin-friendly toiletries, a nurse is on hand for practical help.

Penny-Pincher!!

You're not useless OP!

Ask your wife what she would like to do and your DD together as a family....pain permitting. Get out when possible and build some fantastic memories for your DD and yourself. Scrap book pics together.....laugh and cry together. Macmillan are great and their support is amazing!

Get practical things sorted with medical care. OH & I have done this recently with regards to life support and funeral arrangements that I want and although at times he hasnt agreed with me, he has promised that he will respect my wishes.

Remember OP this illness is NOT your fault, there is nothing you can do about it but you CAN make the best of what time you do have together. Do not feel guilty! YOU are brave too OP and its going to be a tough ride ahead, but you and your DD will get through it.

The main thing is to make sure your wife isnt suffering pain wise.

I know my post seems cold but I have detached my emotions as best as possible to write practical things.

We are all here to support you in the best way we can.

Life is so cruel sometimes.

Hugs

PP
xx

Nixer

Dan/coolusername you have my sympathies, cancer can be such a rollercoaster. As well as trying to support your partner and daughter try and get some support for yourself - supporting someone through a cancer diagnosis is a pretty tough time for all. I think that Macmillan and probably some of the other cancer charities offer phone and face to face counselling for relatives as well as the patient so it might be worth finding out about that.

When my partner's father was diagnosed with terminal cancer my partner was determined to spend as much time as possible with him. His father was determined to try and sort his affairs out as much as possible so partner wouldn't have too much to do when he died (partner was executor of the will). Although it sounds as if you may be a way off that, if I read rightly you think she may have a few years, it might be worth having some of those sorts of conversations, hard as it is, about what she wants to happen, her wishes for your daughter etc. It might be a bit soon for that though. You definitely need to know what her thoughts are re her treatment though - some people do decide that they have had enough and just want palliative care, some want to try anything and everything.

I don't want to give you false hope, and this is all anecdotal, but in the time it took my partner's father to be diagnosed and die (8 weeks - which is incredibly short and in some ways I feel glad that we didn't have the ups and downs so many people have, we just had downs) I have spoken to many people about terminal cancer and have come across a few who have had the "few weeks to live" prognosis and are still alive, in one case over a year later. It's hard not to do (I've been there) but some people almost start grieving before the person has died and I think you have to kind of keep that away from the person as they don't need to be dealing with your grief. I haven't put that at all well, but I hope you get what I mean - it's not over until it's over.

Look after yourself - do what you need to do, be that having a good old cry or whatever.

Valli

Just wanted to add my sympathy and good wishes for you and your daughter.

I would echo what has been said re MacMillan and the hospices but also add that if you can let your daughter's school know they should be able to offer her support and (possibly more important) a place to vent.

What I WILL add is that there is NO right and wrong here. You will do what you will do when it's right for YOU. Other peoples feelings/opinions are their problem - not yours. If you're offered support and you want to use it fine; if not fine. But please don't lie to your daughter, that will cause a hurt that will last a long time.

inmypocketnottheirs

I can't really add anything of any practical value, but I am devasted that your wife, yourself and your daughter have to endure this.

I wish the very best for you all.

globetraveller

Have you a friend who can support you? Someone who you can vent your feelings to- you need someone outwith the family. Thankfully I have not had to deal with anything similar but know from others that you can have all sorts of feelings- even anger towards to your wife. Please don't feel guilty.
I really do think that storing up memories is a great idea. Also love the beauty therapy idea. Have those difficult conversations as well- find out what she would want to happen. Can I also suggest that she might like to write letters for your daughter- to open at special times.
Finally, a work colleague was diagnosed as having terminal cancer 8 years ago, and is still us with us today. There is always hope.
Take care

MyRubyRed

Hi OP, I just want to send my love.XX

Sequeena

My heart is breaking for you and your family. My OH lost his nan to cancer (he lived with her and considered her to be his mum) and he has never fully recovered from her death.

Gentle hugs to all of you at this time x

Counting_Pennies_2

It is so terribly sad, I am so sorry to hear your news.

You are getting plenty of advice on how to help your wife. I wonder about your daughter. I wonder if a bereavement seems to happen before someone passes and I have put in a couple of links I found on the web which might help your daughter through this time.

http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/
http://www.childbereavement.org.uk/
http://www.griefencounter.org.uk/


I don't have first hand experience but having witnessed a child at school who lost their mother, it is such a complicated time for them, that I wonder if you can get help at this stage to help her understand and come to terms with the situation.

For your wife I wonder if she has had time to get things in order, she has probably been concentrating on getting well, but would there be any regrets of not doing something? Speak with her, I'm sure you have, and ask her if there is anything she wants to do, experience.

Perhaps she wants to write a birthday card for each year for your daughter up to her 21st birthday, so she gets a message to her each year, perhaps remembering what it was like at that age and giving some words of encouragement. I have heard that gives immense peace to the parent, and to the child later on.

hth

DVardysShadow

meritaten wrote: »

dont underestimate the importance of beauty therapy - as the above posters have mentioned. the charity I said about before realises the importance of this and has a marvellous beauty therapist!

That is a good point.

A friend of mine died of cancer some years ago. We were not particularly close, but we had a common interest and I made a point of visiting her during her last few months and it was saddening to see how other people found themselves too embarrassed and awkward to see her. [Aside: I gained more from our friendship over the period than ever I put in. If you know someone who is battling cancer, don't insulate yourself from the sorrow of losing them, because the price is losing the joy of knowing them]

But back to the beauty treatment. She started to lose her lovely long hair and someone had cut it for her in the hospital. They had done a fashionable style at the time which had made the very best of the hair she had. Obviously when I saw her, she was feeling the loss of the hair, but I was able, quite genuinely, to say that she looked good with her hair like that. I think she was happy with the result, but it seemed to help a lot that someone else could see it.