Partner is losing battle with cancer and I don't know what to do next

DVardysShadow

Cool_Username wrote: »

I haven't spoken to them no.

I'll have to try and do it tomorrow.

She's upstairs trying to sleep now I've never felt so fu*king useless in all my life she's so brave but there's nothing I can do to help her. I want some miracle cure to help her they've mentioned that she may only have a few years left.

I'm devastated and I can't come to terms with the fact that she may not be here much longer.

Sometimes, being there is more than enough. You don't have to do anything special or be anything wonderful, you just have to be there. You have no choices in this that can make anything better - only the choice to run away and make things worse. You can see you have no choices and just by being there and taking no choices you are doing your absolute best for her. Don't let this get in the way of enjoying your time together.

shellsuit

I am so sorry you're all having to go through this.

Please don't think that you're useless, I know that is what you might feel, but it is not the truth. Just you being there for your wife will be a huge comfort to her.

You must feel like you have the world on your shoulders, what with your wife being so ill and being there for your daughter too.

Has your daughter gone back to school yet? Does her school know the circumstances? If not, it might be an idea to have a word with the head/head of year, to see if a few of the teachers can keep an eye on her.

And don't forget, you need to look after you too!

My heart goes out to you all, I only wish I could offer some proper advice, but I'm at a loss of what to say because I haven't a clue what I would do in your wifes, yours and yours daughters circumstances.

Take care, all of you xx

catherine21

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. The only suggestion I can think of is Essiac tea which has been cited as being helpful in cancer treatment - here's a link with more information bout it. http://www.naturallythinking.co.uk/pages/tea.shtml

It's not a proven cure, but have a look at the link and google it - it really could be worth a try. I've heard a couple of hopeful stories where people have tried it and they have outlived their doctors predictions for them.

iloveboots

Hi Dan
So sorry to hear about the situation you are in.
Please do not feel useless, just knowing that you are there and looking after your daughter will be enough to help your wife feel settled.
I was diagnosed with cervical cancer 2 years ago, and my husband too felt uselss, but believe me, he was far from useless, he was fantastic and i am sure you are being fantastic too.
As for the pain, you should try and get in touch with the local hospice as others have already said, also i don't know how old you are but if your wife is under 40 there is a charity called The Willow Foundation who offer days out/weekends away etc for people with life threatening illness's, my macmillan nurse put me in touch with them when i was diagnosed and they sent me and my children and hubby on a weekend away toLlondon to see a show etc, they were fantastic. This could be great for your daughter, and all of you as a family, to spend some quality time together.... if your wife is strong/ well enough of course. Just an idea.
I am thinking of you all and wishing that life was not so cruel.
Remember that your wife loves you, and just being there for her, will be enough - i promise

meritaten

hi coolusername - just wanted to check back in with you to see how you are feeling now. you havent posted recently, so I feel a bit concerned about you.

I dont want to badger you, but, would just like you to know that I am here for you, if you want to get the grief or the anger off your chest, then feel free to PM me.

Valli

Just want you to know you've all been in my thoughts.

clare1076

Hi i'm so sorry your having to go through this, cancer is a devastatingly awful disease which shows no mercy to anyone. I lost my mum 2 years ago she was only 51 and sadly passed away 6 months after her diagnosis. It was very difficult watching her in pain but never once did she complain. She was on morphine and the oramorph medicine for pain relief but most of the time it didn't help.

I know many here have suggested McMillian but i feel they let my mum down, never once did we see or hear from mum's mcmillian nurse. I am not saying they are not good i just feel my mum was let down. I would suggest your local hospice, my mum was admitted to our Marie Curie hospice and they looked after mum in her final week and were able to control her pain they were amazing. They could help find the right level of pain medication for your wife as they offer pallative care.

Please make every day count with your wife, i wish we had more time with mum i was convinced it wasn't as bad as it actually was and mum would get better and it was only when they said she had 2 weeks that it hit me and i spend every day with mum until the end.

Love & hugs to you, your wife and your daughter xxx

Cool_Username

Hi everyone thanks a lot for all the comments I've been a bit busy the last few days with work and everything else so I don't think I'm going to be able to answer you all personally but thanks a lot for the kind words and advice.

Had a bit of a bad day again today the little girl came in to give her a goodnight kiss last night, leaned over and pressed right on the part where she is in pain so she has been in agony all day.

The oromorph has seemed to help so she is feeling a little bit better now thankfully.

(I've thanked you all. It took a few minutes!)

Errata

Thanks for taking the time to post, wishing you well.

getmore4less

We have been lucky that we have a very good local palative care specialist center which both my parents have benifited from.
Great team and know what they are doing with both patients and family.

They also have a day unit which we found fantastic because you get to see doctors every time you go we got my mum in there weekly.

Pain is hard for the patient and the family(who wants to see someone suffer) and should not be there these days.

We have found that the GP and community nursing team to be patchy in service and support, useless at medication, the main hosital which has the oncology unit is ok but not as good as the specialist center where they have more time for patients.

Once into palative care, pain management becomes crucial for quality of life for all the family.

We found Zomorph and Oromorph seemed to become less effective after beening used for some time and the illness progresses, there are others that are a lot better, my mum found constipation a real problem with these products, got a bit drowsy but not to bad even with very high doses only got euphoric a couple of times in the last 8 months.

What sort of doses is your wife on currently? How often is she seeing people about the pain control.

Regular(1g 4times a day) paracetamol we have found is very helpfull to support any other pain control

Anxiety can be an issue and we found that medication helped there, also help to get a good night sleep we found very helpfull for my mums state of mind.

Taking lots of tablets can be inconvenient there are slow release patches that can be much better for patients for some reason they don't seem to offer these automaticaly.

You need to find the best people in your area for pain control.
Find out who the best are and get refered by the GP or consultant looking after her.

I think it might be better if she can go in somewhere, it can take a while we are at 2 weeks an in-patient trying to get my mums pain under control this time, previous few months we were once a week visits to a specialist doctor as part of day unit visits.

Get onto MacMillian they an help with finding the best place for pain control and Marie Curie they can provide sitters we found this very usefull giving us a break if you don't want it now get on the list if you do want them later you know how.

Sorry you are having to go through this it is hard for anyone even more so when you have kids, but you need to be poactive to get the best care in a lot of areas of this country, don't ask, don't get.

Oh and if she is spending more time in bed watch out for pressure points you can get(free) a specialist air matress like the ones they use in hospitals for double beds(one side for the patient other is a normal foam for you.