desperately need some relationship advice from you good people

paintedtoenails

Hi,

I regularly use these forums but have changed my username for my own privacy.

Im in a bit of a mess and need some personal advice. I know it aint money saving but you guys have helped me with personal advice before.

My wife wants to leave me. When we first met we lived 230 miles apart but she moved away from her home town and family and friends to be with me. We married and have recently had a baby daughter.

She wants to move back up north as she says she is lonely and not happy.

Trouble is it is not practical to move up north. I already have 2 children from a previous relationship who live 2 minutes walk from us now. I have a job that pays just under £40k a year in which I work less than half a year. We live in a lovely part of the country here and I really dont want my daughter growing up up north.

I really dont know what to do. She is determined she is going. If I dont go then I will lose her and my baby daughter. If I do go then I will miss my other 2 kids and they will be devastated and I will never find a job like the one I currently have, infact I think I will struggle to find any type of work at all up there. I will also be uhappy because I really dont like the area up there.

The thing is that she moved away from there because apparently she hated it so much so I cant see that it will solve her unhappiness anyway.

I have tried to talk to her about us working on her happiness down here but all she is interested in is moving back to her home town.

Any advice much appreciated.

Dan

Velcro_Hotdog

Have you told your wife this? If not i'd start there

Oldernotwiser

Do you think that she may be suffering from post natal depression?

paintedtoenails

Told my wife what??

paintedtoenails

I have asked her about post natal depression a few times but she says she is definately not.

sassy_one

paintedtoenails wrote: »

Hi,

I regularly use these forums but have changed my username for my own privacy.

Im in a bit of a mess and need some personal advice. I know it aint money saving but you guys have helped me with personal advice before.

My wife wants to leave me. When we first met we lived 230 miles apart but she moved away from her home town and family and friends to be with me. We married and have recently had a baby daughter.

She wants to move back up north as she says she is lonely and not happy.

Trouble is it is not practical to move up north. I already have 2 children from a previous relationship who live 2 minutes walk from us now. I have a job that pays just under £40k a year in which I work less than half a year. We live in a lovely part of the country here and I really dont want my daughter growing up up north.

I really dont know what to do. She is determined she is going. If I dont go then I will lose her and my baby daughter. If I do go then I will miss my other 2 kids and they will be devastated and I will never find a job like the one I currently have, infact I think I will struggle to find any type of work at all up there. I will also be uhappy because I really dont like the area up there.

The thing is that she moved away from there because apparently she hated it so much so I cant see that it will solve her unhappiness anyway.

I have tried to talk to her about us working on her happiness down here but all she is interested in is moving back to her home town.

Any advice much appreciated.

Dan

Do not worry about using a different user name to post under, it's great you have requested advice rather than try to struggle through this alone, which can make the situation even harder.

Don't panic firstly, things often seem worse than they really are

Has she said those words to you firstly, 'I want to leave you?'

If not, then things are not beyond sorting at this stage.
You need to arrange for you and her to sit down, quietly and alone for a few hours and talk through your relationship.

The fact that you lasted through a long distance relationship shows that you two are strong, therefore this is worth fighting for!

You could even consider Relate or similar, which offer relationship counselling which might help.

Does your partner have any friends near where you are currently??

One thought to add, is if you did move with her, how about putting forward a 'half way meeting point' where you both move, in between where both your family/friends are? this will be both of you then making a move and not one or the other.


Sometimes, when people move miles away from home, where they thought for years they never would, they do miss it, no matter how much they hated it before, when there away for a while it all seems better than it was, she may have hated it before, she still may deep down but she 'misses it'.

How about you and her, go for a visit to up North, spend a week or two together up there and both see how you feel?
The thing is OP, I understand this will be a big step for you, but you have to meet her half way and test the water just like she would if it was the other way round.


After you have spent sometime together up there, come home and see how you both feel, then talk again through your options.
It may be that she doesn't want to move back up, just visit more often.

Regards your job, moving half way, it might be a leap, but if you drive, you may be able to still continue working with the same firm at the same place, however put that to one side at the moment, your partner clearly needs your attention right now, for what reasons I am unsure but sure you will both work it out by sitting down and talking things through, that's often all it needs, but do consider the ideals I have put forward.

I really hope you both managed to stay together and meet each other half way, for your happiness and also your children's

paintedtoenails

sassy-one wrote: »

Do not worry about using a different user name to post under, it's great you have requested advice rather than try to struggle through this alone, which can make the situation even harder.

Don't panic firstly, things often seem worse than they really are

Has she said those words to you firstly, 'I want to leave you?'

If not, then things are not beyond sorting at this stage.
You need to arrange for you and her to sit down, quietly and alone for a few hours and talk through your relationship.

The fact that you lasted through a long distance relationship shows that you two are strong, therefore this is worth fighting for!

You could even consider Relate or similar, which offer relationship counselling which might help.

Does your partner have any friends near where you are currently??

One thought to add, is if you did move with her, how about putting forward a 'half way meeting point' where you both move, in between where both your family/friends are? this will be both of you then making a move and not one or the other.


Sometimes, when people move miles away from home, where they thought for years they never would, they do miss it, no matter how much they hated it before, when there away for a while it all seems better than it was, she may have hated it before, she still may deep down but she 'misses it'.

How about you and her, go for a visit to up North, spend a week or two together up there and both see how you feel?
The thing is OP, I understand this will be a big step for you, but you have to meet her half way and test the water just like she would if it was the other way round.


After you have spent sometime together up there, come home and see how you both feel, then talk again through your options.
It may be that she doesn't want to move back up, just visit more often.

Regards your job, moving half way, it might be a leap, but if you drive, you may be able to still continue working with the same firm at the same place, however put that to one side at the moment, your partner clearly needs your attention right now, for what reasons I am unsure but sure you will both work it out by sitting down and talking things through, that's often all it needs, but do consider the ideals I have put forward.

I really hope you both managed to stay together and meet each other half way, for your happiness and also your children's

Yes, she has said that she wants to leave me to move back up north.

I suggest time and time again to sit down and talk to her about things but she wont. I have just sent her an email explaining my feelings cos she wont talk.

I suggested counselling. She seemed interested at first but now she doesnt want to go.

I work 12 hour shifts - a mixture of days and nights. It wouldnt be possible to travel long distance to work if we chose a half way point.

I have suggested travelling more often but she just says we cant afford it.

I have spent plenty of time up north so I know what its like. Even if I did like it its just the practicalities of finding work and my other 2 children.

Thanks a lot for your reply btw

hannah-j_3

Having moved many times in my life from 'up north' to 'down south' and everywhere inbetween, I think you have to think long and hard about what is important to you, what it is you can't live without. As a previous poster said, have you told her?..you asked what?..have you told her how you feel in detail, how these things you tell us are stopping you from considering being with her, and in theory how she will lose you if she wants to go?

Think a little longer about what you have and then talk to her, tell her that you want to work together to make it work for her and make it work, tell her you will give it x amount of months/years and if it doesn't work then you will move, but the fact that you care enough to post shows you care enough to think you should be doing something, so start with talking to her.

sassy_one

paintedtoenails wrote: »

Yes, she has said that she wants to leave me to move back up north.

I suggest time and time again to sit down and talk to her about things but she wont. I have just sent her an email explaining my feelings cos she wont talk.

I suggested counselling. She seemed interested at first but now she doesnt want to go.

I work 12 hour shifts - a mixture of days and nights. It wouldnt be possible to travel long distance to work if we chose a half way point.

I have suggested travelling more often but she just says we cant afford it.

I have spent plenty of time up north so I know what its like. Even if I did like it its just the practicalities of finding work and my other 2 children.

Thanks a lot for your reply btw

Good move in sending her an E-mail, I was going to advise writing a letter or a E-mail, either is good, explaining how you feel.


The fact she will not sit down and talk, may mean she is nervous about something, what I am not sure on, perhaps you changing her mind.

Have you had any fall outs lately?

As she appears to be refusing most things offered her, I'm thinking maybe she needs some space and/or time to think, although this really isn't easy on you (been kind of where you are).

Could you maybe work out on a budget how many times you could visit there, then talk the number over with here? - You could rive or book advance trips there, so getting there wouldn't be a huge cost to you or her!

I would try going for the counselling again, even if she doesn't want to go, it may help you to just go, men or women on there own can attend and gain advice and support for themselves, and Relate isn't really expensive to be fair.

Two links for you just to have a look over are,

https://www.relate.org.uk which also has some basic advice and support on there, and also how to find and contact your local centre.

The other is,

https://www.relateforparents.org.uk

This may help a little regards your children, and how it would affect you and them.

There is a service called Parentline Plus, they offer support and advice to parents, 24 hours a day and its completely free.
There number is free phone and you could even give them a call with your partner present or alone.

There details are on their website which is:

https://www.parentlineplus.org.uk


I understand that travelling wouldn't be a option, due to the hours/times you work.

If and it's a big if you need to ask yourself, would you be prepared to leave your job for this women? - you need to be sure too OP, no may be and doing it, it must feel right too, however that's if push came, so not something to really think about just now.


Does your partner work?
Also, does she have many friends and go out very often?

t could be post natal depression, it can often be the sufferer will think it's not, but again, this can be looked into after doing the simple things to try and sort this out.

I'm really sorry for the position you are in OP, I will try and advise best I can and hope we can resolve this

Pixiechic

Hi,

I can understand what you are saying and I think you are right in thinking about the practicalities.

I am assuming though that your DW's Mum is up North? Along with the rest of her family. As your wife has just had a baby, her first? She is no doubt feeling in need of some support. I know, and I don't have children that it can be a very difficult time after childbirth.

It is also a time when more 'intimate' issues are prevalent and it is not always easy to approach someone that you are not that close to. This is all probably compounding her feelings of wanting to go home.

Does she have much support where you are now? Any close friends? Does your Mum live close?

paintedtoenails

hannah-j wrote: »

Having moved many times in my life from 'up north' to 'down south' and everywhere inbetween, I think you have to think long and hard about what is important to you, what it is you can't live without. As a previous poster said, have you told her?..you asked what?..have you told her how you feel in detail, how these things you tell us are stopping you from considering being with her, and in theory how she will lose you if she wants to go?

Think a little longer about what you have and then talk to her, tell her that you want to work together to make it work for her and make it work, tell her you will give it x amount of months/years and if it doesn't work then you will move, but the fact that you care enough to post shows you care enough to think you should be doing something, so start with talking to her.

Yes, I have told her how I feel in detail about her and how I would feel about moving. With other children to support and the lack of well paid work up north at the moment it is just not practical.

I have told her that I want to make her happy here and to give us time but she seems adamant she wants to move back.