desperately need some relationship advice from you good people

Bubby

paintedtoenails wrote: »

She is amazing with the new baby. She has bonded really well with her. Just seems like she is shutting everyone else out.
QUOTE]

I had very severe post natal illness and there were lots of criteria that didn't fit. I had an extremely close bond with my baby, I also was too scared to be honest when I filled in the questionnaires so I masked how I felt.

I am not saying that your wife is suffering from pnd but if she is then unfortunately it can make you incredibly selfish and she won't really care about what effect it would have on you to move up North she will just be concerned with fixing her unhappiness. This doesn't make her a bad person just a poorly one.

Take it from someone who nearly lost their life to pnd, the desperation you feel is like nothing else and if you love your wife you need to show her that nothing is as important to you as her happiness and rather than saying "it won't work" find ways to make it work. My husband did an awful lot for me and gave up alot whilst I was ill and I will never forget that and despite how much I love him if he hadn't done that for me I would have walked away when I was better!

flutterby_lil

Aww I really feel for you, this post kind of rings true too me but different circumstances. I know I had PND, my HV knows I did (I used to work with her and she knows the type of person I am). I was left at three months pregnant with my planned son! The biological dad didn't want to know my son and never saw him at all. (He is now deceased! dad not son) - everybody kind of expected me to get PND but I knew that the answers I put on the form would reveal if I was depressed or not so I answered with caution. maybe your wife is scared of answering her true answers and is scared that your daughter will be taken away from her etc etc if she is depressed, I know a lot of people thing that. I was very wary.

Your daughter is 5 weeks old, it is very early days and your wife's hormones will be all over. I think she is craving love, I know you say you give it to her but I think this is a cry for help. Why not back away, leave her toget on with things, suggest she goes away for a couple of weeks and see how she feels without you being around.

I really really hope you sort things out. heartfelt sympathies to you.
Good luck.
PS where is up North, I am up north?

Frosti

I am surprised so few posters have considered what the effect of you moving away would have on your other children. From what you've said, OP, I think you're right not to want to move, struggle to find a job up north, and upset your other kids.

But your new wife does need her Mum. Would MIL be free to come and stay with you for as long as necessary?

Bitsy_Beans

paintedtoenails wrote: »

I have thought about living up north and working down south but it would be difficult. I have to have my other children stay over at my house at least once a week overnight, so I would need 2 lots of housing - 1 up there and 1 down here. I couldnt afford it.

Its not really something we could trial as her 4 yr old daughter starts school in a few weeks and its unfair dragging her from school to school. We need security one way or another.

My MIL came down for a week when the baby was born and my wife was really happy when she was here. I was thinking of inviting her down next weekend but I dont know if my wife will like it of I do it behind her back and if I mention it to her she will just shrug her shoulders.

If it were me I'd just do it. If you end up with a backlash then so be it - I am the sort of person who would rather try something than sit and do nothing. Besides I am sure her mum would love to come and see her new grandchild at any rate.

RacyRed

paintedtoenails wrote: »

We set up a new home together.

Good.

I'm playing devil's advocate here and trying to see this from your wife's perspective, so please, please don't take anything I say below as criticism of any sort but please consider it carefully.

Thinking as your wife...

I meet a man who lives many miles away and fall in love with him. Yo live with him I leave the area I've lived in all my life, where I know what to expect of the people, the shops, transport, doctors, dentists, in fact every aspect of my life was relatively predictable, which is possibly why I claimed to hate it.

I move my little daughter away from her family and friends and her own developing social structure. She is not at school yet, can I find ways of helping her interact with children of her own age? Is she fretting? Have I done the right thing for her or have I been selfish in putting my own desires before her needs in moving her so far away.

From hundreds of miles away hubby's previous family were something to be accommodated but not something that would interfere massively with "our" life together. But the reality is much more complex and difficult, the demands on hubby's time are job, previous family, his parents/siblings are also local and are a consideration too. In fact I find that my dreams of setting up a new life together have turned into me fitting into my husband's existing and well established life style.

How will I get on with hubb's children and ex partner when they are in such close proximity? How do I stop myself being irrationally but understandably and quite naturally jealous of the time/money they consume? Can I talk openly to Hubby about this or will he tell me that he explained his committments to me before we took the plunge, wring his hands, think me irrational (which I know it is but it is also very real to me) and leave me to sort out my very confused feelings myself?

The new baby comes along. This time there is no mum, no childhood friends to share the experience with like there was the first time. I don't feel right but I'm in this strange environment where I have no-one to confide in. Hubby insisted on a court order to have his older children stay with him overnight, if I confess to feeling tearful and confused what will happen? Might the baby be taken away from me? Musn't talk about it. If I was home I'd feel safer, stronger and be able to discuss what is happening from a stronger position but now I feeel vulnerable and insecure. I'm asked if I'm depressed, I say no, of course I say no!

How do I make friends here? I'm an outsider, I talk funny, I don't understand the dynamics of the community I now live in. Now I desperately want all of the old familiar things I knew so well around me again. I want hubby to show his commitment to me and our child by walking away from everything familiar to him, in the same way I did for him. He says it is not practical, but really he is not willing to take the same gamble I did. He is not willing to leave his own support structures behind and rebuild from scratch. There are obstacles, of course there are, I had to overcome obstacles too, just different ones to his.

If hubby cannot contemplate doing this for me, how can he understand and appreciate what I did for him? Is his love conditional on my fitting in with his life? Are all of my hopes and dreams for the future doomed to be squashed under the practicalities of his established life? Is that really loving me?


Sorry paintedtoenails, that would make painful reading and of course it will be full of inaccuracies, but does any of it trigger anything for you which might help you find a way forward?

paintedtoenails

flutterby_lil wrote: »

Aww I really feel for you, this post kind of rings true too me but different circumstances. I know I had PND, my HV knows I did (I used to work with her and she knows the type of person I am). I was left at three months pregnant with my planned son! The biological dad didn't want to know my son and never saw him at all. (He is now deceased! dad not son) - everybody kind of expected me to get PND but I knew that the answers I put on the form would reveal if I was depressed or not so I answered with caution. maybe your wife is scared of answering her true answers and is scared that your daughter will be taken away from her etc etc if she is depressed, I know a lot of people thing that. I was very wary.

Your daughter is 5 weeks old, it is very early days and your wife's hormones will be all over. I think she is craving love, I know you say you give it to her but I think this is a cry for help. Why not back away, leave her toget on with things, suggest she goes away for a couple of weeks and see how she feels without you being around.

I really really hope you sort things out. heartfelt sympathies to you.
Good luck.
PS where is up North, I am up north?

I really dont know what to do or think anymore!!

Up north is Huddersfield.

paintedtoenails

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

If it were me I'd just do it. If you end up with a backlash then so be it - I am the sort of person who would rather try something than sit and do nothing. Besides I am sure her mum would love to come and see her new grandchild at any rate.

I texted the MIL an hr ago to see if she wants to come next weekend. Fingers crossed.

MIL works full time so cant stay for long periods.

paintedtoenails

Frosti wrote: »

I am surprised so few posters have considered what the effect of you moving away would have on your other children. From what you've said, OP, I think you're right not to want to move, struggle to find a job up north, and upset your other kids.

But your new wife does need her Mum. Would MIL be free to come and stay with you for as long as necessary?

MIL works full time.

I can see what people are saying but I need to be sensible. I can't just pack up move up there because she did the same for me. I'm not finding excuses, I'm being realistic.

Chakani

Of course, and do remember that it is a very difficult time for both of you. You will both be extremely sleep-deprived, which doesn't help anyone think rationally, and the added pressure of trying to keep things normal for your other 3 children while you all adjust to the new baby must not help either.

I don't think now is the time for snap decisions, or more major life changes. Keep talking, be kind to your wife and yourself, and if anyone offers help, say yes. That is all you can do for now.

I would tell your wife that you love her, that you are proud of her, that she is doing a great job, and that you need to deal with things one step at a time, together as a couple and as a family. Probably a big bar of chocolate for you both is in order too.

paintedtoenails

RacyRed wrote: »

Good.

I'm playing devil's advocate here and trying to see this from your wife's perspective, so please, please don't take anything I say below as criticism of any sort but please consider it carefully.

Thinking as your wife...

I meet a man who lives many miles away and fall in love with him. Yo live with him I leave the area I've lived in all my life, where I know what to expect of the people, the shops, transport, doctors, dentists, in fact every aspect of my life was relatively predictable, which is possibly why I claimed to hate it.

I move my little daughter away from her family and friends and her own developing social structure. She is not at school yet, can I find ways of helping her interact with children of her own age? Is she fretting? Have I done the right thing for her or have I been selfish in putting my own desires before her needs in moving her so far away.

From hundreds of miles away hubby's previous family were something to be accommodated but not something that would interfere massively with "our" life together. But the reality is much more complex and difficult, the demands on hubby's time are job, previous family, his parents/siblings are also local and are a consideration too. In fact I find that my dreams of setting up a new life together have turned into me fitting into my husband's existing and well established life style.

How will I get on with hubb's children and ex partner when they are in such close proximity? How do I stop myself being irrationally but understandably and quite naturally jealous of the time/money they consume? Can I talk openly to Hubby about this or will he tell me that he explained his committments to me before we took the plunge, wring his hands, think me irrational (which I know it is but it is also very real to me) and leave me to sort out my very confused feelings myself?

The new baby comes along. This time there is no mum, no childhood friends to share the experience with like there was the first time. I don't feel right but I'm in this strange environment where I have no-one to confide in. Hubby insisted on a court order to have his older children stay with him overnight, if I confess to feeling tearful and confused what will happen? Might the baby be taken away from me? Musn't talk about it. If I was home I'd feel safer, stronger and be able to discuss what is happening from a stronger position but now I feeel vulnerable and insecure. I'm asked if I'm depressed, I say no, of course I say no!

How do I make friends here? I'm an outsider, I talk funny, I don't understand the dynamics of the community I now live in. Now I desperately want all of the old familiar things I knew so well around me again. I want hubby to show his commitment to me and our child by walking away from everything familiar to him, in the same way I did for him. He says it is not practical, but really he is not willing to take the same gamble I did. He is not willing to leave his own support structures behind and rebuild from scratch. There are obstacles, of course there are, I had to overcome obstacles too, just different ones to his.

If hubby cannot contemplate doing this for me, how can he understand and appreciate what I did for him? Is his love conditional on my fitting in with his life? Are all of my hopes and dreams for the future doomed to be squashed under the practicalities of his established life? Is that really loving me?


Sorry paintedtoenails, that would make painful reading and of course it will be full of inaccuracies, but does any of it trigger anything for you which might help you find a way forward?

I do understand what you are saying BUT she wanted to move. She said she would have moved at some point anyway even if she didnt meet me. She didnt want her daughter growing up there.

She said it was an easy decision to make when she moved. Her daughhter was only 2 so not in play school or anything and the childs dad showed and continues to show no interest in her at all.

She said she hardly saw her mum when she lived up there - maybe just a couple of hrs a week.

She had a stalker and just didnt like the place in general.

Look at it from my point of view. I quit my job, move up there. Struggle to find work. Skint all the time, unable to support my family and unable to afford to travel to visit my 2 kids. Break a court order that I fought for and have to go back to court.