desperately need some relationship advice from you good people

hannah-j_3

paintedtoenails wrote: »

Yes, I have told her how I feel in detail about her and how I would feel about moving. With other children to support and the lack of well paid work up north at the moment it is just not practical.

I have told her that I want to make her happy here and to give us time but she seems adamant she wants to move back.

Has she accepted the affect this will have on you and your work and children? It seems she is determined to me to move and realises she is going to lose you, or pushing you to make the choice? It is clear to me she is making the choice and trying to put this onto your shoulders for 'blame' ??

paintedtoenails

sassy-one wrote: »

Good move in sending her an E-mail, I was going to advise writing a letter or a E-mail, either is good, explaining how you feel.


The fact she will not sit down and talk, may mean she is nervous about something, what I am not sure on, perhaps you changing her mind.

Have you had any fall outs lately?

As she appears to be refusing most things offered her, I'm thinking maybe she needs some space and/or time to think, although this really isn't easy on you (been kind of where you are).

Could you maybe work out on a budget how many times you could visit there, then talk the number over with here? - You could rive or book advance trips there, so getting there wouldn't be a huge cost to you or her!

I would try going for the counselling again, even if she doesn't want to go, it may help you to just go, men or women on there own can attend and gain advice and support for themselves, and Relate isn't really expensive to be fair.

Twofor you just to have a look over are,

which also has some basic advice and support on there, and also how to find and contact your local centre.

The other is,



This may help a little regards your children, and how it would affect you and them.

There is a service called Parentline Plus, they offer support and advice to parents, 24 hours a day and its completely free.
There number is free phone and you could even give them a call with your partner present or alone.

There details are on their website which is:




I understand that travelling wouldn't be a option, due to the hours/times you work.

If and it's a big if you need to ask yourself, would you be prepared to leave your job for this women? - you need to be sure too OP, no may be and doing it, it must feel right too, however that's if push came, so not something to really think about just now.


Does your partner work?
Also, does she have many friends and go out very often?

t could be post natal depression, it can often be the sufferer will think it's not, but again, this can be looked into after doing the simple things to try and sort this out.

I'm really sorry for the position you are in OP, I will try and advise best I can and hope we can resolve this

We havent had any major fall outs lately.

I was thinking of suggesting her going up north for a week alone but I will miss my baby daughter - she is only 5 weeks old.

I have suggested making 1 monthly visit up north and to pay for her mums petrol so that she could visit us once a month but she just shrugs her shoulders.

It's just not practical to leave my job. She doesnt work at the moment so we would have no income at all. With my 2 other kids and a new baby to support I couldnt do it. Dont get me wrong, Im not a work a holic. I dont have a good job. Its just well paid and I get a lot of time off. If I didnt have to work then I wouldnt.

She has a few friends but she doesnt go out very often. I keep suggesting ways to make new friends and meet people but again she doesnt do anything aboiut it. I always offer to help her and support her with it.

Maybe she just doesnt want to be with me and its an easy way out saying that she is missing home and her family.... I just dont know.

paintedtoenails

hannah-j wrote: »

Has she accepted the affect this will have on you and your work and children? It seems she is determined to me to move and realises she is going to lose you, or pushing you to make the choice? It is clear to me she is making the choice and trying to put this onto your shoulders for 'blame' ??

Ive been thinking that too. When I said that it would be difficult to move because of jobs and my kids she basically said that I put work and them first. But I dont. I have responsibilities to fullfill. I cant just stop working and leave my kids.

paintedtoenails

Pixiechic wrote: »

Hi,

I can understand what you are saying and I think you are right in thinking about the practicalities.

I am assuming though that your DW's Mum is up North? Along with the rest of her family. As your wife has just had a baby, her first? She is no doubt feeling in need of some support. I know, and I don't have children that it can be a very difficult time after childbirth.

It is also a time when more 'intimate' issues are prevalent and it is not always easy to approach someone that you are not that close to. This is all probably compounding her feelings of wanting to go home.

Does she have much support where you are now? Any close friends? Does your Mum live close?

Yeah, her mum is up north. Aprt from her mum and dad and sister she really isnt close to the rest of her family and I would say that she only has 2 or 3 good friends up there.

I try my best to support her in every way possible but lately it is becoming hard cos she is pushing me away all the time.

sassy_one

paintedtoenails wrote: »

We havent had any major fall outs lately.

I was thinking of suggesting her going up north for a week alone but I will miss my baby daughter - she is only 5 weeks old.

I have suggested making 1 monthly visit up north and to pay for her mums petrol so that she could visit us once a month but she just shrugs her shoulders.

It's just not practical to leave my job. She doesnt work at the moment so we would have no income at all. With my 2 other kids and a new baby to support I couldnt do it. Dont get me wrong, Im not a work a holic. I dont have a good job. Its just well paid and I get a lot of time off. If I didnt have to work then I wouldnt.

She has a few friends but she doesnt go out very often. I keep suggesting ways to make new friends and meet people but again she doesnt do anything aboiut it. I always offer to help her and support her with it.

Maybe she just doesnt want to be with me and its an easy way out saying that she is missing home and her family.... I just dont know.

OP, stop a minute, reflect on what you just said, please.

This is NOT you in any way, please do not feel like that!!

Right, well lets consider the possiblitie she does or might have Post Natal Depression, has she seen a GP lately?

It might be worth your time to go along to your GP or hers (if you are both at the same practice) and speaking with the GP about her behaviour/feelings, at the very least they will know and be aware of the current circumstances.
Also, you could put forward to the GP that you think it might be Post Natal Depression, which it could be, no one knows hence why it would be a good ideal to speak to a GP.

How about you and her go out, for a meal one evening alone or out some where? Let your hair down both of you.
Could you ask any family/close friends to kindly babysit for a few hours for you both?

I think it might be she feels 'alone' not because of you, but having a baby and being away from her 'home town'.
May be she feels lonely not getting much attention because of the baby? - again, this isn't your fault or because of you.


You have made a good few steps tonight, come here to ask advice and E-mailed her.
I would even maybe write her a little letter, explaining how you feel and what you are offering and saying you love her and want to be with her, just to remind her, for when she gets home.


The fact she has not left yet, tells me she doesn't want to leave you and there isn't anyone else, so hold in there, don't give up yet!

hannah-j_3

paintedtoenails wrote: »

Ive been thinking that too. When I said that it would be difficult to move because of jobs and my kids she basically said that I put work and them first. But I dont. I have responsibilities to fullfill. I cant just stop working and leave my kids.

It does appear she has made her mind up and doesn't want to work at this with you, your children and your work are important to you and she is forcing you to choose between her and your child and what you have now, it's so hard to say this but this seems a true switch in her feelings that won her over to move to be with you, how did you do that, think long and hard, and concentrate on winning her back above anything if that is what you want, hell you got her to move, then be that man that got her to move and convince her to stay, for now at least with a deal that if it still isn't making her happy you will move, at least giving you time to find work and the kids you leave be older and possibly able to travel to you?

sassy_one

paintedtoenails wrote: »

Yeah, her mum is up north. Aprt from her mum and dad and sister she really isnt close to the rest of her family and I would say that she only has 2 or 3 good friends up there.

I try my best to support her in every way possible but lately it is becoming hard cos she is pushing me away all the time.

Put up with her pushing you away, for now OP.
Often loved ones push each other away and do it for a reaction, so please just bite your tongue and keep supporting her best you can, just keep calm and all times and don't get upset/angry if you don't agree with something she says.

sassy_one

hannah-j wrote: »

It does appear she has made her mind up and doesn't want to work at this with you, your children and your work are important to you and she is forcing you to choose between her and your child and what you have now, it's so hard to say this but this seems a true switch in her feelings that won her over to move to be with you, how did you do that, think long and hard, and concentrate on winning her back above anything if that is what you want, hell you got her to move, then be that man that got her to move and convince her to stay, for now at least with a deal that if it still isn't making her happy you will move, at least giving you time to find work and the kids you leave be older and possibly able to travel to you?

Another ideal I just had, how about while you are not working you stay up North and while you are you both stay at home??

She'll have the best of both world's then

paintedtoenails

sassy-one wrote: »

OP, stop a minute, reflect on what you just said, please.

This is NOT you in any way, please do not feel like that!!

Right, well lets consider the possiblitie she does or might have Post Natal Depression, has she seen a GP lately?

It might be worth your time to go along to your GP or hers (if you are both at the same practice) and speaking with the GP about her behaviour/feelings, at the very least they will know and be aware of the current circumstances.
Also, you could put forward to the GP that you think it might be Post Natal Depression, which it could be, no one knows hence why it would be a good ideal to speak to a GP.

How about you and her go out, for a meal one evening alone or out some where? Let your hair down both of you.
Could you ask any family/close friends to kindly babysit for a few hours for you both?

I think it might be she feels 'alone' not because of you, but having a baby and being away from her 'home town'.
May be she feels lonely not getting much attention because of the baby? - again, this isn't your fault or because of you.


You have made a good few steps tonight, come here to ask advice and E-mailed her.
I would even maybe write her a little letter, explaining how you feel and what you are offering and saying you love her and want to be with her, just to remind her, for when she gets home.


The fact she has not left yet, tells me she doesn't want to leave you and there isn't anyone else, so hold in there, don't give up yet!

We still have visits from the midwife up until the baby is 8 weeks old and she always ask about post natal depression and my wife says she doesnt have it. My wife is a very intelligent and honest person and has suffered with and come through depression before I met her so she is aware of the effect of pnd and if she says she doesnt have it then I believe her. I know that she would sought help without my intervention if she did have it.

I have suggested going out - she's not interested.

I do understand that she may feel lonely and feel like she is stuck in with a baby all the time but I always give her support and do my fair share in helping out.

I have suggested it may be worth her getting part time work. It would be a great way to meet new people whilst earning some extra cash. She just says that she is rubbish at interviews and wouldnt find anything where she could work around my hours.

She doesnt seem open to anything..........

paintedtoenails

hannah-j wrote: »

It does appear she has made her mind up and doesn't want to work at this with you, your children and your work are important to you and she is forcing you to choose between her and your child and what you have now, it's so hard to say this but this seems a true switch in her feelings that won her over to move to be with you, how did you do that, think long and hard, and concentrate on winning her back above anything if that is what you want, hell you got her to move, then be that man that got her to move and convince her to stay, for now at least with a deal that if it still isn't making her happy you will move, at least giving you time to find work and the kids you leave be older and possibly able to travel to you?

My work is not important to me. If I never had bills to pay and a family to support then it wouldnt bother me.

It didnt take any convincing in getting her to move away. It was her suggestion.

The kids are too young to travel that distance alone. They are only 6 and 8.