desperately need some relationship advice from you good people

paintedtoenails

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

Yes but there is the issue of OP's other children who presumably live with their mother. The OP's wife is lucky that she has custody of her older child and the biological father isn't even bothered - no strings attached for her.
It's not just an easy case of not wanting to move. The OP even states he fought to get overnight custody of his children - he can't just chuck all that away. I feel for the OP - he's between a rock and hard place - risk losing his marriage and having less contact with his new baby daughter or move away and risk having even less contact with his other children.

I think you summed it up perfectly there. Just chuck in quitting a job & struggling to find a new one in a town where people are getting laid off left, right & centre.

paintedtoenails

sassy-one wrote: »

OP, how did your wife react to the E-mail you sent her last night?

Thinking about it more, I think maybe she is depressed and putting a brave on - just because she sought help before doesn't mean she would again, maybe she scared people will feel shes failed as a mother or weak.

I really think you need to have a chat to her GP or midwife alone and explain your concerns and at least they will be aware of them, failing which as others have said she and your daughter could go and stay up North for a while and then see how she feels then.

I am really sorry, I know how you must feel.

I think just everything has caught up with her and she needs to sort herself out.

I hope your okay today OP

She didn't react really. I asked her if she got an email I sent. She said she did & that she just wanted me to find somewhere else to live.

paintedtoenails

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Does your wife realise that if you give up your job voluntarily you will be sanctioned from receving JSA and have virtually no money to live on?

Yeah, I'm sure she realises that. She also realises that if she moves back up north alone as a single mum with 2 kids then she will get loads of benefits & 2 lots of csa money!!

paintedtoenails

RacyRed wrote: »

I'm sorry paintedtoenails, my post has confused and frightened you I think. Please don't think I'm suggesting any solutions, I don't have any answers I'm afraid, only you and your wife can find those.

I do understand the logic of what you say but am trying to help you understand a little of what your wife might be going through at the moment. Can you see from what I wrote that logic may not be playing any part in her thought processes at the moment, and that if you can understand and accept that fact, and that she may be unable to think things through rationally for some time yet, it may help you find a way to talk to her properly and find a way through this very difficult time for you both?

I understand what you are saying. It never confused me. I'm trying to think sensibly with my head and not impulsively.

paintedtoenails

Bubby wrote: »

We can see it from your point of view but if your wife has pnd she will find it very difficult to see it this way. It also seems very one sided to me in that she moved to be with you, uprooted her child and left her family yet you are obviously not willing to even try and do the same? A marriage needs to be give and take on both sides.

I would do the same if it was viable. If money was no issue and I found a job that paid me enough to support my family and travel to see my kids a few times a month then I would give it very serious consideration.

consultant31

I'm sorry to say it but it sounds to me as if your wife doesn't want to be with you any more - either down south or up north!

Perhaps you would be as well to let her go back to Huddersfield for a couple of months and let her see if she wants to live without you. It's a very sad ending, but you can't make her love you if she's fallen out of love.

To be honest, I think she sounds very cold and selfish, but I've been fortunate enough to have never suffered from any kind of depression - except the 'baby blues' after the births of each of my children, so maybe I'm being harsh.

I really hope it sorts itself out, you sound like a very caring dad and husband.

RacyRed

paintedtoenails wrote: »

She didn't react really. I asked her if she got an email I sent. She said she did & that she just wanted me to find somewhere else to live.

Whoa there! That is a major change, she wants you to move out and she's not explaining why? Her attitude changed early in her pregnancy?

Did she try to talk to you about her concerns when she wes first pregnant and you have dismissed them?

I've noticed that you have begun to dismiss posts you don't want to read on here. Ones that don't unconditionally confirm that your point of view is the only one.

I think you are going to have to do some really serious soul searching if you want to rescue your marriage.

Jo_R_2

I read this earlier and have been thinking about it.

My initial thoughts upon reading the comments you've put, OP, is that you can to a degree come across as being rather selfish. Don't get me wrong; but there was a post quite early on you made where all the reasonings you put as to why you couldn't move where very much centred around you.

Of course, what you say about quitting your job, seeing your two children less and struggling to support them *are* valid concerns. But, say, what if you took it from the perspective of saying to your wife, you would start looking for a job where your wife comes from so you had something to go into, arranged maybe fortnightly contact with your children (as an initial thought you understand, delete and rewrite with whatever you would feel acceptable), and thus could potentially move up and still support your children? Or (hand on heart) is it that you honestly don't want to move anyway and these are convenient reasons - ie would you consider it if it could be arranged?

As for the reasoning of what your wife has said previously about why she moved/would have moved from her home town anyway - things are all-change when you have your first child. I have three and there have been times when I would have happily dropped everything just to be back 'home' with mum and dad around. I'd forget what she has said and concentrate on NOW because that is what is important.

My feeling from what you have posted is that you are not 'hearing' her. Yes you're listening, but that detached feeling you sense from her - I'd put money on the fact that what she wants is YOU. Support, attention, not to be told why she shouldn't feel like she does but to be understood - and I honestly think if you actually stopped trying to explain things away on your terms, you'd make a start in stopping and actually hearing what it is she is trying to say to you. I don't think she doesn't want you -I think she does and that is what you are missing.

I think now would be a prime time to see if you could (for example) change your work hours. Speak to your Health Visitor to find out about support for your wife, make her feel like you're taking charge and looking after and supporting her - even if you think what you are doing is enough.

Bubby

consultant31 wrote: »

To be honest, I think she sounds very cold and selfish, but I've been fortunate enough to have never suffered from any kind of depression - except the 'baby blues' after the births of each of my children, so maybe I'm being harsh.

I don't think she sounds cold or harsh at all but that is coming from someone who did suffer with pnd.

Bitsy_Beans

What does through my head reading some of the responses is imagine a woman posts on MSE. Her ex H has moved away up North with his "new" family and can't get to see his children from their relationship. Cue lots of comments about absent, !!!!less fathers and how it's awful he doesn't make the effort with his other children. How he's put the "new" family before his existing children. Seems to me on here that sometimes you're damned if you do and damned if you don't OP.
With all due respect OP has existing children he also needs to consider. I don't think it's putting them above his wife but whether its down to PND or selfishness or whatever his wife isn't giving them any consideration either. Assuming OP could even get a job up North lets be honest it would be significantly reduced wage so how on earth is the poor guy then supposed to stump up the extra cash to travel the 230 miles (is this one way?!) every time he wants to be a dad to his previous children. And then he gets called selfish because he wants to be a dad to ALL his kids. Jeez.

OP - if I were in your shoes I am afraid I wouldn't let this lie. Shrugging your email off, not really giving you any answers I am afraid I would be not letting this go. But that's just me I tend to [STRIKE]nag[/STRIKE] be persistant.