desperately need some relationship advice from you good people

paintedtoenails

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

What does through my head reading some of the responses is imagine a woman posts on MSE. Her ex H has moved away up North with his "new" family and can't get to see his children from their relationship. Cue lots of comments about absent, !!!!less fathers and how it's awful he doesn't make the effort with his other children. How he's put the "new" family before his existing children. Seems to me on here that sometimes you're damned if you do and damned if you don't OP.
With all due respect OP has existing children he also needs to consider. I don't think it's putting them above his wife but whether its down to PND or selfishness or whatever his wife isn't giving them any consideration either. Assuming OP could even get a job up North lets be honest it would be significantly reduced wage so how on earth is the poor guy then supposed to stump up the extra cash to travel the 230 miles (is this one way?!) every time he wants to be a dad to his previous children. And then he gets called selfish because he wants to be a dad to ALL his kids. Jeez.

OP - if I were in your shoes I am afraid I wouldn't let this lie. Shrugging your email off, not really giving you any answers I am afraid I would be not letting this go. But that's just me I tend to [STRIKE]nag[/STRIKE] be persistant.

I'm just trying to do my best for everyone and sensibly.

Yes its 230 miles each way.

paintedtoenails

swiss69 wrote: »

I have to agree with this to a degree. When she met you she knew you had children and that being close to them was important. Moving to the North would make life very difficult for you especially as it sounds like you had to fight for access for your two children.

She may well have PND and if so needs to seek treatment. It may well be that she hasnt got this and has just fallen out of love for ewhatever reason. If this is the case you could move North and then be left alone in a few months.

Personally I would just tell her how much you love her and how much you do not not want to break the family up but that you have no plans to move North and if she decides to leave you then you will have to accept this. You can still see your baby as it sounds like you have lots of time off.

In a recession I would not consider giving up a £40k a year job.

I tell her how much I love her and what she means to me daily. It doesn't make any difference.

paintedtoenails

Bennifred wrote: »

OP - would you move north with her IF you were offered a job with the same terms you are on now? (I haven't forgotten the two other children, by the way, I'm interested in your response) Maybe you could say to your wife that you are willing to do that and actually look for the equivalent job up there. That would at least show that you are taking her unhappiness seriously, should location be the problem.....

Yes I would. Maybe not to Huddersfield but definately Manchester or Leeds. If my wages and time off was matched.

paintedtoenails

flutterby_lil wrote: »

How are things today paintedtoenails?

Sassyone you may have a point, but I am inclined to go down the pnd route...

I'm ok thanks. Trying to talk to wife but she's not very forthcoming.

paintedtoenails

Person_one wrote: »

No advise for the OP, as I think he's in the unenviable position of having to choose between two sets of his own children who will be living hundreds of miles apart. Except maybe if this relationship doesn't work out maybe stick to women who live close to home in the future.

But, I'd just like it to go on the record that Huddersfield is perfectly civilised for the most part, there are very nice places to live in the surrounding area and great places to work in Manchester and Leeds.

I wish I knew where some southerners get their ideas about what its like 'up north', "I really don't want my daughter growing up up north", seriously? Her mother is a northerner, I wonder if she senses your feelings about her inferiority.

Thats a bit harsh. You can't help who you fall in love with or where they come from.

I have nothing against northerners - I married one. I would happily live and raise a family up north but probably not Huddersfield. I meant I don't want my daughter being raised up North when I'm down South.

My wife has lived in Huddersfield all her life and she really really dislikes it and says that it is not a place to live in.

paintedtoenails

Jo_R wrote: »

I read this earlier and have been thinking about it.

My initial thoughts upon reading the comments you've put, OP, is that you can to a degree come across as being rather selfish. Don't get me wrong; but there was a post quite early on you made where all the reasonings you put as to why you couldn't move where very much centred around you.

Of course, what you say about quitting your job, seeing your two children less and struggling to support them *are* valid concerns. But, say, what if you took it from the perspective of saying to your wife, you would start looking for a job where your wife comes from so you had something to go into, arranged maybe fortnightly contact with your children (as an initial thought you understand, delete and rewrite with whatever you would feel acceptable), and thus could potentially move up and still support your children? Or (hand on heart) is it that you honestly don't want to move anyway and these are convenient reasons - ie would you consider it if it could be arranged?

As for the reasoning of what your wife has said previously about why she moved/would have moved from her home town anyway - things are all-change when you have your first child. I have three and there have been times when I would have happily dropped everything just to be back 'home' with mum and dad around. I'd forget what she has said and concentrate on NOW because that is what is important.

My feeling from what you have posted is that you are not 'hearing' her. Yes you're listening, but that detached feeling you sense from her - I'd put money on the fact that what she wants is YOU. Support, attention, not to be told why she shouldn't feel like she does but to be understood - and I honestly think if you actually stopped trying to explain things away on your terms, you'd make a start in stopping and actually hearing what it is she is trying to say to you. I don't think she doesn't want you -I think she does and that is what you are missing.

I think now would be a prime time to see if you could (for example) change your work hours. Speak to your Health Visitor to find out about support for your wife, make her feel like you're taking charge and looking after and supporting her - even if you think what you are doing is enough.

I wouldn't say I was being selfish or self centred. It looks like I have to make some big life changing decisions. I need to be sensible and consider everything.

If worrying about a job and money to support my family and worrying about the children that I am no longer going to be local to is selfish then maybe I am.

Like someone else said, if I just got up and went up north and left the other 2 kids and had no money to ever see them or visit then or a job to support the family that I live with then I'm sure people would have a lot to say.

Diane1961_2

Dear Painted Toenails

For what it's worth, I wouldn't change anything practical in your life right now, far too many people rely on you presence and your income.

Your wife is free to make her own choices regardless of what has been said before, or why she did this, that or the other. It's not her first child or first live-in relationship, she's a fully functioning adult who presumably hasn't worked since her first pregnancy.

Her life will be no more a bed of roses than yours, step children and babies, strange shifts, broken sleep - it's all a bit chaotic. 5 weeks after having a baby is a treacherous time when your body and emotions let you down but she didn'tjust make these decisions.

What you choose won't matter for anyone in this family, someone will get hurt, and that will include you, regardless. if you've tried everything you can think off, then let your wife choose for herself. She knows about the dangers of PND.

Keep it simple and don't try to solve everything, just do one day at a time.
Much love
x

Person_one

paintedtoenails wrote: »

Thats a bit harsh. You can't help who you fall in love with or where they come from.

I have nothing against northerners - I married one. I would happily live and raise a family up north but probably not Huddersfield. I meant I don't want my daughter being raised up North when I'm down South.

My wife has lived in Huddersfield all her life and she really really dislikes it and says that it is not a place to live in.

It wasn't meant to be harsh, but I actually think you can help who you fall in love with. You might meet someone you like but if they say they live 200 miles away you can take a step back and think "actually, that could be really hard and impractical, much as I want to see them again I'll leave it alone".

I'm not saying you were wrong to fall for your wife, but now that you've experienced some of the problems it can cause, with hindsight, maybe you wouldn't do it again. Particularly as you are so anchored to where you live due to your two daughters from your previous relationship.

Edit: I've just noticed that your comment about your wife 'really really' disliking her home town is at odds with your op where you state "all she is interested in is moving back to her home town."

swingaloo

I wish I knew where some southerners get their ideas about what its like 'up north', "I really don't want my daughter growing up up north", seriously? Her mother is a northerner, I wonder if she senses your feelings about her inferiority.

I noticed this as well and had the same thought. My partner is from 'Down South'. He came 'Up North' to live with me and still has a daughter who lives down south. He would never go back, thinks the quality of life, the people and the cost of living are so much better up here. Having said that, we both go and spend the day with his daughter every other weekend and have done so for 12 years now. Its a 492 mile round trip and yes, it is costly but I wouldnt expect him not to do this.


One more thought occured to me when thinking and re-reading the opening post. It was this-

Im in a bit of a mess and need some personal advice. I know it aint money saving but you guys have helped me with personal advice before.

My wife wants to leave me. When we first met we lived 230 miles apart but she moved away from her home town and family and friends to be with me. We married and have recently had a baby daughter.

She wants to move back up north as she says she is lonely and not happy.

Trouble is it is not practical to move up north. I already have 2 children from a previous relationship who live 2 minutes walk from us now. I have a job that pays just under £40k a year in which I work less than half a year. We live in a lovely part of the country here and I really dont want my daughter growing up up north.

I really dont know what to do. She is determined she is going. If I dont go then I will lose her and my baby daughter. If I do go then I will miss my other 2 kids and they will be devastated and I will never find a job like the one I currently have, infact I think I will struggle to find any type of work at all up there. I will also be uhappy because I really dont like the area up there.

The thing is that she moved away from there because apparently she hated it so much so I cant see that it will solve her unhappiness anyway.

I have tried to talk to her about us working on her happiness down here but all she is interested in is moving back to her home town.

Any advice much appreciated.


There does seem to be an awful lot of 'I, I, I' in there.
I think the OP needs to think more about how his wife feels rather than just looking for a way to make her see things differently.
I also dont think its a good idea to give her the impression that he is looking into moving and looking for a job up north as this will be creating false hope for his wife.

Id be interested to know how long you have been together? and
How was the relationship before she got pregnant with the last baby?

sassy_one

How are things today, OP?

Has your wife been going out a lot more than recently?
Does she use the internet??

Also, if you are at work, how often does she get 'time off'?

Hope you are keeping yourself OK