desperately need some relationship advice from you good people

swiss69

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

What does through my head reading some of the responses is imagine a woman posts on MSE. Her ex H has moved away up North with his "new" family and can't get to see his children from their relationship. Cue lots of comments about absent, !!!!less fathers and how it's awful he doesn't make the effort with his other children. How he's put the "new" family before his existing children. Seems to me on here that sometimes you're damned if you do and damned if you don't OP.
With all due respect OP has existing children he also needs to consider. I don't think it's putting them above his wife but whether its down to PND or selfishness or whatever his wife isn't giving them any consideration either. Assuming OP could even get a job up North lets be honest it would be significantly reduced wage so how on earth is the poor guy then supposed to stump up the extra cash to travel the 230 miles (is this one way?!) every time he wants to be a dad to his previous children. And then he gets called selfish because he wants to be a dad to ALL his kids. Jeez.

OP - if I were in your shoes I am afraid I wouldn't let this lie. Shrugging your email off, not really giving you any answers I am afraid I would be not letting this go. But that's just me I tend to [STRIKE]nag[/STRIKE] be persistant.

I have to agree with this to a degree. When she met you she knew you had children and that being close to them was important. Moving to the North would make life very difficult for you especially as it sounds like you had to fight for access for your two children.

She may well have PND and if so needs to seek treatment. It may well be that she hasnt got this and has just fallen out of love for ewhatever reason. If this is the case you could move North and then be left alone in a few months.

Personally I would just tell her how much you love her and how much you do not not want to break the family up but that you have no plans to move North and if she decides to leave you then you will have to accept this. You can still see your baby as it sounds like you have lots of time off.

In a recession I would not consider giving up a £40k a year job.

sassy_one

paintedtoenails wrote: »

I would do the same if it was viable. If money was no issue and I found a job that paid me enough to support my family and travel to see my kids a few times a month then I would give it very serious consideration.

OP, I don't want to feel like I have no advice to offer you, and that is all it is, is advice but I think may be your partner is having second thoughts about being with you.

I really hate saying what I feel here, as I know hearing that cannot be easy for you, but to be honest, you may have seen this coming for a little while but just not caught the signs.

She appears, as others have said, to be cold and possibly withdrawn from you.

The fact she has told you to find somewhere else, instead of her saying I'm moving with you, shows it can't really be the area you are currently in.

I think she is just trying to find a excuse for you two to break up so she doesn't feel so bad having to end it, which of course, can't be easy on either parties.

I really am sorry, I have no words to offer to help the feelings you may feel.

I can only advise you to try your very hardest to talk to her again, but do not pressure her and give her space as this could push her away further.

I really am sorry OP, may be things will work out, but from reading the whole thread this appears to be more than her wanting to move back up North.

I would recommend you seek counselling yourself, even if she does not want to from Relate.

I wish you very good luck

RacyRed

sassy-one wrote: »

OP, I don't want to feel like I have no advice to offer you, and that is all it is, is advice but I think may be your partner is having second thoughts about being with you.

I really hate saying what I feel here, as I know hearing that cannot be easy for you, but to be honest, you may have seen this coming for a little while but just not caught the signs.

She appears, as others have said, to be cold and possibly withdrawn from you.

The fact she has told you to find somewhere else, instead of her saying I'm moving with you, shows it can't really be the area you are currently in.

I think she is just trying to find a excuse for you two to break up so she doesn't feel so bad having to end it, which of course, can't be easy on either parties.

I really am sorry, I have no words to offer to help the feelings you may feel.

I can only advise you to try your very hardest to talk to her again, but do not pressure her and give her space as this could push her away further.

I really am sorry OP, may be things will work out, but from reading the whole thread this appears to be more than her wanting to move back up North.

I would recommend you seek counselling yourself, even if she does not want to from Relate.

I wish you very good luck

I think Sassy is correct, I'm so very sorry if this is what is happening and wish you both well whatever happens.

Bennifred

OP - would you move north with her IF you were offered a job with the same terms you are on now? (I haven't forgotten the two other children, by the way, I'm interested in your response) Maybe you could say to your wife that you are willing to do that and actually look for the equivalent job up there. That would at least show that you are taking her unhappiness seriously, should location be the problem.....

Oldernotwiser

From what you have said it sounds as if, even if you leave your job and your older children to move for her sake, you may well find yourself living alone. I certainly wouldn't even consider giving up the security of your job and risking your relationship with these children until things look more positive with your wife.

Sorry to sound so pessiimistic but, unless she really does suffer from PND, it sounds as if she has decided to end the marriage.

sassy_one

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

From what you have said it sounds as if, even if you leave your job and your older children to move for her sake, you may well find yourself living alone. I certainly wouldn't even consider giving up the security of your job and risking your relationship with these children until things look more positive with your wife.

Sorry to sound so pessiimistic but, unless she really does suffer from PND, it sounds as if she has decided to end the marriage.

From the signs I have seen about my ex, I'm sorry, but this sounds like the signs I missed, not the same, but similar.

I think she is trying to find away to leave the OP, without hurting him to much, maybe in hope he would tell her to leave as he doesn't want to, meaning she would feel better as she would have been the one who appeared to be the one needing 'comfort' as it were.

I did have another ideal what could be going on, what don't want to post it, lets say, I don't think the OP's wife is being very honest with him...... For sake of OP I'm not going to say what I fully mean by that.......

Oldernotwiser

sassy-one wrote: »

I did have another ideal what could be going on, what don't want to post it, lets say, I don't think the OP's wife is being very honest with him...... For sake of OP I'm not going to say what I fully mean by that.......

That had occurred to me as well.:(

flutterby_lil

How are things today paintedtoenails?

Sassyone you may have a point, but I am inclined to go down the pnd route...

Person_one

No advise for the OP, as I think he's in the unenviable position of having to choose between two sets of his own children who will be living hundreds of miles apart. Except maybe if this relationship doesn't work out maybe stick to women who live close to home in the future.

But, I'd just like it to go on the record that Huddersfield is perfectly civilised for the most part, there are very nice places to live in the surrounding area and great places to work in Manchester and Leeds.

I wish I knew where some southerners get their ideas about what its like 'up north', "I really don't want my daughter growing up up north", seriously? Her mother is a northerner, I wonder if she senses your feelings about her inferiority.

paintedtoenails

RacyRed wrote: »

Whoa there! That is a major change, she wants you to move out and she's not explaining why? Her attitude changed early in her pregnancy?

Did she try to talk to you about her concerns when she wes first pregnant and you have dismissed them?

I've noticed that you have begun to dismiss posts you don't want to read on here. Ones that don't unconditionally confirm that your point of view is the only one.

I think you are going to have to do some really serious soul searching if you want to rescue your marriage.

No major change, she wouldnt talk to me so I sent her an email. Without going into too much detail I asked a lot of questions and explained a lot of things. She just said it would be best for me to live elsewhere and gave me her reasons.

I assumed that she was offish when she was pregnant because she was pregnant and really suffered from extreme fatigue in early pregnancy.

I havent purposely avoided any posts. I was trying to reply to them when at work last night. A lot of the posts were just saying the same thing.

I'll gladly answer any questions you may have.