desperately need some relationship advice from you good people

ddebski_us

RacyRed wrote: »

Good.

I'm playing devil's advocate here and trying to see this from your wife's perspective, so please, please don't take anything I say below as criticism of any sort but please consider it carefully.

Thinking as your wife...

I meet a man who lives many miles away and fall in love with him. Yo live with him I leave the area I've lived in all my life, where I know what to expect of the people, the shops, transport, doctors, dentists, in fact every aspect of my life was relatively predictable, which is possibly why I claimed to hate it.

I move my little daughter away from her family and friends and her own developing social structure. She is not at school yet, can I find ways of helping her interact with children of her own age? Is she fretting? Have I done the right thing for her or have I been selfish in putting my own desires before her needs in moving her so far away.

From hundreds of miles away hubby's previous family were something to be accommodated but not something that would interfere massively with "our" life together. But the reality is much more complex and difficult, the demands on hubby's time are job, previous family, his parents/siblings are also local and are a consideration too. In fact I find that my dreams of setting up a new life together have turned into me fitting into my husband's existing and well established life style.

How will I get on with hubb's children and ex partner when they are in such close proximity? How do I stop myself being irrationally but understandably and quite naturally jealous of the time/money they consume? Can I talk openly to Hubby about this or will he tell me that he explained his committments to me before we took the plunge, wring his hands, think me irrational (which I know it is but it is also very real to me) and leave me to sort out my very confused feelings myself?

The new baby comes along. This time there is no mum, no childhood friends to share the experience with like there was the first time. I don't feel right but I'm in this strange environment where I have no-one to confide in. Hubby insisted on a court order to have his older children stay with him overnight, if I confess to feeling tearful and confused what will happen? Might the baby be taken away from me? Musn't talk about it. If I was home I'd feel safer, stronger and be able to discuss what is happening from a stronger position but now I feeel vulnerable and insecure. I'm asked if I'm depressed, I say no, of course I say no!

How do I make friends here? I'm an outsider, I talk funny, I don't understand the dynamics of the community I now live in. Now I desperately want all of the old familiar things I knew so well around me again. I want hubby to show his commitment to me and our child by walking away from everything familiar to him, in the same way I did for him. He says it is not practical, but really he is not willing to take the same gamble I did. He is not willing to leave his own support structures behind and rebuild from scratch. There are obstacles, of course there are, I had to overcome obstacles too, just different ones to his.

If hubby cannot contemplate doing this for me, how can he understand and appreciate what I did for him? Is his love conditional on my fitting in with his life? Are all of my hopes and dreams for the future doomed to be squashed under the practicalities of his established life? Is that really loving me?


Sorry paintedtoenails, that would make painful reading and of course it will be full of inaccuracies, but does any of it trigger anything for you which might help you find a way forward?

I think this sums the situation up perfectly, and I speak from my own experiences (minus the children).

xDx

Frosti

paintedtoenails wrote: »

MIL works full time.

I can see what people are saying but I need to be sensible. I can't just pack up move up there because she did the same for me. I'm not finding excuses, I'm being realistic.

Shame MIL is not free to spend more time with your family. I do hope she can come down this weekend anyway, to give your wife a taste of home. Maybe everyone will be able to open up and discuss the situation you find yourselves in.

I don't think you're making excuses, and certainly believe you're being realistic - a job that pays well and gives you so much time off to spend with your family is a rarity these days and you'd be risking a huge amount to give that up.
Still, perhaps you could show willing and have a look to see whether you could find similar employment in Huddersfield? Maybe you already know the answer is a resounding "no!" but it wouldn't hurt to prove it to the missus by checking wanted ads, on the net etc. It will buy you some time and help persuade her that she is very important to you and you're trying to see if her desire could work.

If MIL realises her daughter needs her support she may be willing to visit regularly at weekends for a while; perhaps you could offer to pay her fares/fuel?

And check out the possibility of PND. Often the sufferer is the last one to recognise the problem. MIL may be your best assistant there too, and is in a unique position to encourage her daughter to get help; be it from the doctor, joining local groups to help her make friends, or just babysitting so that you two can get away by yourselves for a while.

RacyRed

paintedtoenails wrote: »

I do understand what you are saying BUT she wanted to move. She said she would have moved at some point anyway even if she didnt meet me. She didnt want her daughter growing up there.

She said it was an easy decision to make when she moved. Her daughhter was only 2 so not in play school or anything and the childs dad showed and continues to show no interest in her at all.

She said she hardly saw her mum when she lived up there - maybe just a couple of hrs a week.

She had a stalker and just didnt like the place in general.

Look at it from my point of view. I quit my job, move up there. Struggle to find work. Skint all the time, unable to support my family and unable to afford to travel to visit my 2 kids. Break a court order that I fought for and have to go back to court.

I'm sorry paintedtoenails, my post has confused and frightened you I think. Please don't think I'm suggesting any solutions, I don't have any answers I'm afraid, only you and your wife can find those.

I do understand the logic of what you say but am trying to help you understand a little of what your wife might be going through at the moment. Can you see from what I wrote that logic may not be playing any part in her thought processes at the moment, and that if you can understand and accept that fact, and that she may be unable to think things through rationally for some time yet, it may help you find a way to talk to her properly and find a way through this very difficult time for you both?

Bubby

paintedtoenails wrote: »

Look at it from my point of view. I quit my job, move up there. Struggle to find work. Skint all the time, unable to support my family and unable to afford to travel to visit my 2 kids. Break a court order that I fought for and have to go back to court.

We can see it from your point of view but if your wife has pnd she will find it very difficult to see it this way. It also seems very one sided to me in that she moved to be with you, uprooted her child and left her family yet you are obviously not willing to even try and do the same? A marriage needs to be give and take on both sides.

swingaloo

I work 12 hour shifts - a mixture of days and nights


Could this possibly be one of the problems. I know you are doing your best and it cant be easy but your wife has a young child, a new baby, not much support, few friends and is also expected to have your other 2 children stay over one night each week. Perhaps its all getting too much for her to cope with.

Bitsy_Beans

Bubby wrote: »

We can see it from your point of view but if your wife has pnd she will find it very difficult to see it this way. It also seems very one sided to me in that she moved to be with you, uprooted her child and left her family yet you are obviously not willing to even try and do the same? A marriage needs to be give and take on both sides.

Yes but there is the issue of OP's other children who presumably live with their mother. The OP's wife is lucky that she has custody of her older child and the biological father isn't even bothered - no strings attached for her.
It's not just an easy case of not wanting to move. The OP even states he fought to get overnight custody of his children - he can't just chuck all that away. I feel for the OP - he's between a rock and hard place - risk losing his marriage and having less contact with his new baby daughter or move away and risk having even less contact with his other children.

LilacPixie

THE pnd questionaire is called the edinburgh test. You can view it here http://www.testandcalc.com/etc/tests/edin.asp

OP I am undecided with what advice to offer other than let her go. your wife has just had a baby hormones will be all over the place, you work loopy shifts and no doubt she feels alone, she uprooted her family, took her child away from its grandparents and is probably now thinking why. Many posters have made suggestions and your response has been each time.... but i have 2 other children, but i have 2 other children. I guess she feels abandoned and her happiness and that of both her children comes after you older kids.

swingaloo

Whilst I understand what the last poster wrote the fact is that those 2 children were there before they moved in together and even if the wife feels a bit resentful about the time and money they take its not the fault of the children or the dad.
Its hard having a second family and it needs lots of tolerance and understanding from both sides.

Oldernotwiser

Does your wife realise that if you give up your job voluntarily you will be sanctioned from receving JSA and have virtually no money to live on?

sassy_one

OP, how did your wife react to the E-mail you sent her last night?

Thinking about it more, I think maybe she is depressed and putting a brave on - just because she sought help before doesn't mean she would again, maybe she scared people will feel shes failed as a mother or weak.

I really think you need to have a chat to her GP or midwife alone and explain your concerns and at least they will be aware of them, failing which as others have said she and your daughter could go and stay up North for a while and then see how she feels then.

I am really sorry, I know how you must feel.

I think just everything has caught up with her and she needs to sort herself out.

I hope your okay today OP