desperately need some relationship advice from you good people

ailuro2

Have you thought about working where you are but living up North?

If you work less than half the year would it be feasible, it might help her to see that you would make an effort to let her move back home if she really wants to, even if it was for a trial period?

It's very difficult to realise when PND hits, and it's normally very hard to see the wood for the trees in the weeks after the baby arrives - lack of sleep, lack of her family to support her, no friends in the area to confide in - even if she isn't depressed she is ibviously in aposition to feel really low, washed out and just plain awful.

Is it her first baby? Maybe because you've seen it before you know what to expect but she isn't so aware that it's normal to feel like this, that it isn't all roses round the door when a beautiful little baby makes an appearance. Those first few months are very very tough.

Would having her Mum down to stay for a couple of weeks be an option? Just so she can spend time with her daughter and the new baby, but you could have a word in private and ask her how she thinks your wife is coping?

Best of Luck - fwiw we look back on our DD's first year with some dreadful memories - I hate feeling like that now, but it was a year that nearly broke us, which came as a big surprise as we'd thought we were pretty rock solid beforehand. Sleep deprivation and crashing hormones was a terrible combination for me too.

paintedtoenails

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

How is your wife with the new baby? Do they appear to be bonding well?
A couple of the questions on the forms I had to complete asked stuff like do you feel you can laugh about things as much as you used to, if things go wrong can you cope with it as well as you used to - OK sounds like stupid questions but it was really to guage whether you could deal with the ups and downs of normal life to the same degree as before.
She should be having a 6 week check soon - do you know if this is with her GP or just another MW?

I am loathe to suggest you going behind her back (don't want to make the situation worse) but do you feel in a position to be able to speak to her mum or MW about how she's been? Does she speak to her mum a lot? Could you ask her if she's noticed a change on your wife's attitude or whether she's said anything to you.

She is amazing with the new baby. She has bonded really well with her. Just seems like she is shutting everyone else out.

6 week check is with gp. Next week I think.

She does speak to her mum a lot and I would speak to her BUT my wife would go mental if she found out and I think that she has the sort of relationship with her mum that her mum would tell her I spoke to her.

pinkclouds

My advice is for your wife to go home to her mom's for about 3 months or so (with both her kids) and then return to you when she's feeling better. I'm sure you are trying to be supportive but you work long hours, have to split your free time with another family and she has no family in the area. I don't like PND labels - this kind of thing is normal for most women after any birth.

Bitsy_Beans

paintedtoenails wrote: »

She is amazing with the new baby. She has bonded really well with her. Just seems like she is shutting everyone else out.

6 week check is with gp. Next week I think.

She does speak to her mum a lot and I would speak to her BUT my wife would go mental if she found out and I think that she has the sort of relationship with her mum that her mum would tell her I spoke to her.

Yeah this is what I suspected TBH. Have you heard her on the phone to her mum? Not necessarily what she's said but does she sound happy, fed up? Just wondering if she was putting on a brave face when speaking to her mum.

I can really only suggest you continue to be patient and try not to take this personally. For whatever reason she's clearly struggling with something, whether it's PND or something else. However if she won't talk to you then it does put you at a disadvantage.
Out of curiosity have you asked her why she's been different with you since pregnancy?

Plans_all_plans

To save your relationship, how about suggesting that she goes up North for a month or so on her own with your little one to get into the swing of things. I KNOW you'll miss your child, but she clearly feels she needs extra support at this time, so could this be a middle way?

Honestly, if I didn't have my parents around when I had my first I'd have been in a real mess. My dad even took 3 weeks off work after I'd given birth to help me around the house. Of course she is feeling lonely, it is a lonely time for a woman if she has no other help.

I dont think this is the end of your relationship, your wife is just coming to terms with being a mother. Would she be willing to go on her own for a while to take stock of things and would you be willing to have her go for a while?

Edited to add: Maybe suggest to her the organisation HomeStart if she feels isolated etc http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support

You could also suggest she attend her local SureStart centre to make new friends, the playgroups that SureStart organise have been a God-send to me and I have made tons of new friends through it
http://www.dcsf.gov.uk/everychildmatters/earlyyears/surestart/fundedsettings/childrenscentresmap/

RacyRed

Dan, when your wife and her little daughter moved to be with you did she move into the home you already lived in or did you set up a new home together?

paintedtoenails

RacyRed wrote: »

Dan, when your wife and her little daughter moved to be with you did she move into the home you already lived in or did you set up a new home together?

We set up a new home together.

paintedtoenails

ailuro2 wrote: »

Have you thought about working where you are but living up North?

If you work less than half the year would it be feasible, it might help her to see that you would make an effort to let her move back home if she really wants to, even if it was for a trial period?

It's very difficult to realise when PND hits, and it's normally very hard to see the wood for the trees in the weeks after the baby arrives - lack of sleep, lack of her family to support her, no friends in the area to confide in - even if she isn't depressed she is ibviously in aposition to feel really low, washed out and just plain awful.

Is it her first baby? Maybe because you've seen it before you know what to expect but she isn't so aware that it's normal to feel like this, that it isn't all roses round the door when a beautiful little baby makes an appearance. Those first few months are very very tough.

Would having her Mum down to stay for a couple of weeks be an option? Just so she can spend time with her daughter and the new baby, but you could have a word in private and ask her how she thinks your wife is coping?

Best of Luck - fwiw we look back on our DD's first year with some dreadful memories - I hate feeling like that now, but it was a year that nearly broke us, which came as a big surprise as we'd thought we were pretty rock solid beforehand. Sleep deprivation and crashing hormones was a terrible combination for me too.

I have thought about living up north and working down south but it would be difficult. I have to have my other children stay over at my house at least once a week overnight, so I would need 2 lots of housing - 1 up there and 1 down here. I couldnt afford it.

Its not really something we could trial as her 4 yr old daughter starts school in a few weeks and its unfair dragging her from school to school. We need security one way or another.

My MIL came down for a week when the baby was born and my wife was really happy when she was here. I was thinking of inviting her down next weekend but I dont know if my wife will like it of I do it behind her back and if I mention it to her she will just shrug her shoulders.

spendaholiceejit

I have to say that I really feel for your wife. I've been in the position that she's in and I think I cried every night for months. Once our son got a bit older I was able to get out and about more and I eventually settled. It's really difficult being so far away from home when you have a new baby.

I hope you both find an acceptable solution. Could any of her family come and stay for a while to help her out a little? eventually they will irritate the heck out of her and she'll be glad to see the back of them and the notion of returning to live with them will leave? (It worked for me!)

paintedtoenails

In an ideal world we could do some sort of trial or I could just quit my job and move up there but there are a lot of things to consider.

My 4 yr old step daughter starts her first school in a few weeks so I dont want her being disrupted.

I have a court order (sought by myself) that states my children MUST stay overnight at my house at least 1 night a week.

If we were to try any sort of trial then we would have to pay for accomodation up north because there is nobody that we can stay with who has room for us all.