desperately need some relationship advice from you good people

paintedtoenails

sassy-one wrote: »

Another ideal I just had, how about while you are not working you stay up North and while you are you both stay at home??

She'll have the best of both world's then

Not possible...... my wife has a daughter from a previous relationship who starts school in September. I work weekends a lot of the time so its not possible to go up there every weekend when my step daughter is off school.

rozzeratti

I think that your partner could well be depressed. She might not realise this or she might be trying to hide or ignore it. I am a sufferer of depression myself and have been for 15 years, sometimes I know when it's happening, other times I don't realise at all. She could be feeling a bit all over the place at the moment as she has not long ago given birth. Also after just giving birth we women like to be close to our own mothers if we can. Is this your partners first child?

I hope you can solve the situation. You seem like a kind caring person. Also quite sensible too! I understand how your partner might be feeling with being away from home but I can't help but think she is being slightly spiteful.

Roz

Chakani

OP. your wife may not have PND, but she had a baby just 5 WEEKS AGO. To me that screams hormones going crazy, life has been turned upside down and she has just realised her life will never, never be like it was before. She never has any peace (even if she does get time away from the baby, the feelings of claustrophobia and of never being alone, but forever lonely are enormous at times in the early days for a new mum).

Was all this an issue before having the baby?

I moved across the country to be with my OH when our baby was 10 days old, and it was incredibly hard being away from family and close friends, feeling like I didn't know anyone, feeling lonely etc. I loved my OH to bits and still do, but I had periods of wanting to run away that sound much like what your wife is going through. They were illogical, impractical, but still there. I am sure with hindsight that a lot was to do with hormones, lack of sleep etc. I wouldn't have thanked anyone for pointing that out at the time though!

What I needed was a bit of extra (above and beyond) love and understanding from OH, and then to get out to some baby groups, where I found other people to talk to who were going through the same thing. For me, my MIL was a treasure as well, she could remember the feeling, and she listened and didn't treat me like a nutter.

Also, do bear in mind that with any type of depression, the sufferer is often the last to notice. If it were to develop into PND, you will probably notice before she does.

I could be wrong, and this could be a long running issue since before she was even pregnant, but the similarities seem too strong to ignore. Can you talk to the midwife/HV about your worries?

paintedtoenails

Chakani wrote: »

OP. your wife may not have PND, but she had a baby just 5 WEEKS AGO. To me that screams hormones going crazy, life has been turned upside down and she has just realised her life will never, never be like it was before. She never has any peace (even if she does get time away from the baby, the feelings of claustrophobia and of never being alone, but forever lonely are enormous at times in the early days for a new mum).

Was all this an issue before having the baby?

I moved across the country to be with my OH when our baby was 10 days old, and it was incredibly hard being away from family and close friends, feeling like I didn't know anyone, feeling lonely etc. I loved my OH to bits and still do, but I had periods of wanting to run away that sound much like what your wife is going through. They were illogical, impractical, but still there. I am sure with hindsight that a lot was to do with hormones, lack of sleep etc. I wouldn't have thanked anyone for pointing that out at the time though!

What I needed was a bit of extra (above and beyond) love and understanding from OH, and then to get out to some baby groups, where I found other people to talk to who were going through the same thing. For me, my MIL was a treasure as well, she could remember the feeling, and she listened and didn't treat me like a nutter.

Also, do bear in mind that with any type of depression, the sufferer is often the last to notice. If it were to develop into PND, you will probably notice before she does.

I could be wrong, and this could be a long running issue since before she was even pregnant, but the similarities seem too strong to ignore. Can you talk to the midwife/HV about your worries?

She has only mentioned about moving back up north in the last month or so. Although the way she has been with me changed a few weeks into her pregnancy.

I will talk with her again about the pnd and depression in general.

I do give her love and try my best to please her all the time. It feels like Im treading on eggshells all of the time so the more I can do to make her happy the better.

paintedtoenails

rozzeratti wrote: »

I think that your partner could well be depressed. She might not realise this or she might be trying to hide or ignore it. I am a sufferer of depression myself and have been for 15 years, sometimes I know when it's happening, other times I don't realise at all. She could be feeling a bit all over the place at the moment as she has not long ago given birth. Also after just giving birth we women like to be close to our own mothers if we can. Is this your partners first child?

I hope you can solve the situation. You seem like a kind caring person. Also quite sensible too! I understand how your partner might be feeling with being away from home but I can't help but think she is being slightly spiteful.

Roz

No, this is her second child. She has a 4 year old daughter already.

ddebski_us

I sympathise with your wife. I moved 180 miles to be with my DH 5 years ago and all his family live down here, my family are all up North. I have a dream that one day, we will move up there, as that is where my roots are. As much as I complained about it, it's my home and always will be.

We don't have children yet, but I can see that I will feel drawn to being home with my parents when we do, instead of just having DH's family with me - it's just not the same.

As much as you have the reasons for not moving, she moved to be with you and made those sacrifices at that time; there needs to be a bit of give and take. You have all your family and life down where you are but perhaps something needs to give?

HTH

xDx

paintedtoenails

ddebski_us wrote: »

I sympathise with your wife. I moved 180 miles to be with my DH 5 years ago and all his family live down here, my family are all up North. I have a dream that one day, we will move up there, as that is where my roots are. As much as I complained about it, it's my home and always will be.

We don't have children yet, but I can see that I will feel drawn to being home with my parents when we do, instead of just having DH's family with me - it's just not the same.

As much as you have the reasons for not moving, she moved to be with you and made those sacrifices at that time; there needs to be a bit of give and take. You have all your family and life down where you are but perhaps something needs to give?

HTH

xDx

As far as I can see it's either live here or there. There is no point in moving to a half way point because we will be 120 miles from anyone.

If I had no commitments here then I would go no problems. But I have 2 young children who live here and I need to work to support a family.

As harsh as it may seem, when I first met my wife I always made it clear that I wouldnt move up north because of my kids but it wasnt an issue because she wanted to move away anyway.

Bitsy_Beans

When your wife has her visit from the MW do they not ask her to complete a little questionnaire? I did several times and it's to gauge the likelihood of PND.
You say how she was with you changed a few weeks into pregnancy? In what way? Was she more distant?

I am no way qualified to comment on PND but given her complete disinterest in life generally ie going out, trying to meet new friends etc would suggest to me some degree of depression. I assume her daughter lives with you both? Does she stay in with the kids 24-7 or does she take her daughter out at all?

I really hope you can both find a way through this x

paintedtoenails

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

When your wife has her visit from the MW do they not ask her to complete a little questionnaire? I did several times and it's to gauge the likelihood of PND.
You say how she was with you changed a few weeks into pregnancy? In what way? Was she more distant?

I am no way qualified to comment on PND but given her complete disinterest in life generally ie going out, trying to meet new friends etc would suggest to me some degree of depression. I assume her daughter lives with you both? Does she stay in with the kids 24-7 or does she take her daughter out at all?

I really hope you can both find a way through this x

I dont think she has filled in a questionnaire. The midwife justr asks about it.

Yes, she was more distant. Not interested in hugs or kisses and became less tolerant to everything.

Yes, her daughter lives with us. She doesnt spend quality time alone with her. I work a shift pattern of 2 days 2 nights 4 off so I am at home during the day most of the time so we do go out, whether it be going into town or to the park or going for something to eat.

Bitsy_Beans

paintedtoenails wrote: »

I dont think she has filled in a questionnaire. The midwife justr asks about it.

Yes, she was more distant. Not interested in hugs or kisses and became less tolerant to everything.

Yes, her daughter lives with us. She doesnt spend quality time alone with her. I work a shift pattern of 2 days 2 nights 4 off so I am at home during the day most of the time so we do go out, whether it be going into town or to the park or going for something to eat.

How is your wife with the new baby? Do they appear to be bonding well?
A couple of the questions on the forms I had to complete asked stuff like do you feel you can laugh about things as much as you used to, if things go wrong can you cope with it as well as you used to - OK sounds like stupid questions but it was really to guage whether you could deal with the ups and downs of normal life to the same degree as before.
She should be having a 6 week check soon - do you know if this is with her GP or just another MW?

I am loathe to suggest you going behind her back (don't want to make the situation worse) but do you feel in a position to be able to speak to her mum or MW about how she's been? Does she speak to her mum a lot? Could you ask her if she's noticed a change on your wife's attitude or whether she's said anything to you.