Best Man Question

clairehi

Ive heard of a Bridezilla but never a Groomzilla....

In defence of your friend it sounds like this has all come as a shock to him (whether or not you tried to warn him earlier) and the financial implications to you have just not sunk in to his brain. I think you need to allow him some time to calm down. You think he is being selfish/extravagant but try and see his side of it too.

it seems you have all sleep walked into this situation. It doesnt surprise me that the bride and groom would not give a second thought to other people's budgets unless they are told in words of one syllable. They are too busy thinking about their big day and not everyone is as considerate or money minded as the other MSErs on this thread.

All he is seeing at the moment is his stag do, which is clearly a big deal for him, going pear-shaped and you have let him down at the last minute as he has made quite clear. You have said that you have tried to offer an olive branch but do you really understand how it feels for him to have you, as the best man (key person to attend any stag do!), pull out? He must be mortified.

You said that none of the other people you asked for him could afford to go - so is anyone going or is the whole thing being called off? I should think he is totally gutted. It may well be his own daft fault if he has chosen to ignore the warning signs but that wont make him feel any better at the moment.

A local, low key stag do seems like a good compromise to me and I hope this works out ok.

I hope that when you all calm down you realise that whatever has happened, it is not worth ruining a friendship over.

claretmatt

I can see it from his perspective and if I was in the same position I would be upset.

I've said this to him and how much I would love to be there on his stag do.

We are their closest friends, in fact we are probably their only true friends so the situation is even more bizare.

M_A_R_I_E

Hi. Having read this thread thoroughly I cannot believe how self-centered some people can be.

You and your wife must have lots of patience because I would have told them where to go a long time a go! To be asked to pay for a bridemaid's dress at the till when you thought it was being paid for is outrageous behaviour!

What is your wife's response to all this?

Do you have any contct with any of the B & G 's family, parents etc. Could you not have a word with them and explain the situation? I think they need to see this from your point of view and if somebody else tells them they may well see - at them moment they clearly are blinkered.

Emmzi

at this stage, I think I would in fact be asking if they still wanted you to be a part of the wedding party, and give them the option to switch. You don't really want to do it any more, and they do not want to have you.

ema_o

I sympathise with you, and in your shoes would be struggling to find that sort of money for a friends wedding.

However, looking at it from your friends point of view, the only thing they seem to have been really unreasonable about is the bridesmaids dress (and shoes, although I think you later said that this was an estimate and your OH might wear some she already owns). The suit, while it would have been nice (and traditional) for them to pay, they did ask you upfront about. The hotel room I would not expect them to pay for as it was your decision to book it.

Looking at it like that you have overspent £60 because of the bride asking your OH to pay for her dress at the till (that was out of order), but that doesn't come close to the total you were originally spending on the stag do.

If you hadn't told your friend the expense of the stag do was a problem when you spoke to your other friends it is a bit unfair telling him now, plus the fact that you can't go. It sounds like he is acting very selfishly about it, but I think he genuinely is hurt that you did not mention this earlier (when perhaps things could have been changed) and that you are now not going to be on his stag do.

I can see your point of view and it does just seem a shame the way they are behaving, but upfront they were not asking you to spend £700 on their wedding, just the suit hire and the bridesmaids dress costs. The stag do / hen do while they still affect your budget do not really factor in the cost of their day.

I was bridesmaid for my best friend and she paid for our dresses. We picked our own shoes and paid for them, plus having nails done, hair on the day, and as we wanted to stay over we paid for the hotel rooms for ourselves. It was our choice to have the nails / hair, I would not have expected her to pay for more than the dress, and would have refused if offered unless it was something she really wanted us to have like £100 shoes or something that I didn't otherwise need.
The hen party we organised together, but based on budget that everyone could afford, or could pick and choose to come to parts of if it was too much.

I would advise cancelling the hotel if at all possible and using the money to go on the stag do if your friend means enough that you want to keep him (I mean normally not while he is being a Groomzilla). If you can't at least tell your friend that you tried this to show him that you have done what you can. I wouldn't get them a present though (or only a very small one) based on the fact that you have already contributed towards their day with the suit and dress.

claretmatt

I do honestly believe that he is hurt but they way he has acted is just incredible. I've not mentioned some of the stuff he mentioned.

I'm not questionning our relationship and the more I think about it the more one sided it seems to be.

When OH had DS, I took him on 4 Premier League football games at a cost of about £120 using her ticket. I never asked him for a penny, but thought it was tight that he went to buy a pie and didn't offer me one. I hinted that it would be nice to get OH a bottle of wine and he bought her one. I've also done work for him and never charged anything - about £400 worth in total. Its never crossed my mind until now as we are friends

That's why him selling these concert tickets is a bit off as he is more concerned with recouping the money than doing a good deed.

shellsuit

claretmatt wrote: »

I do honestly believe that he is hurt but they way he has acted is just incredible. I've not mentioned some of the stuff he mentioned.

I'm not questionning our relationship and the more I think about it the more one sided it seems to be.

When OH had DS, I took him on 4 Premier League football games at a cost of about £120 using her ticket. I never asked him for a penny, but thought it was tight that he went to buy a pie and didn't offer me one. I hinted that it would be nice to get OH a bottle of wine and he bought her one. I've also done work for him and never charged anything - about £400 worth in total. Its never crossed my mind until now as we are friends

That's why him selling these concert tickets is a bit off as he is more concerned with recouping the money than doing a good deed.

What a tight arrrs!! :eek:

Certainly looks like money means more than friendship to them ~ I can't stand people who are stingy!!

I'm the complete opposite, I remember exactly what people have done for me and if someone does me a good turn, I do one back as soon as I have the oppurtunity to.

Even if I'd gone out with a mate and we'd paid for ourselves, if I was getting a pie (or whatever!), I'd offer to get them one too.

M_A_R_I_E

Sometimes a friendship can be about 'what can I get from this person' rather than a genuine friendship. You say you are his closest friend - I can understand why he doesn't have lots!

If I were you I would be seriously questioning my relationship with this couple. I know it's sad but it is totally one sided and maybe it's time to call it a day.

Pee

Most of those costs would be involved in being a guest at a wedding, no different from being best man or bridesmaid. I mean, you would still need to stay over in the hotel, go to the stag and hen parties and have outfits for the wedding, possibly cheaper outfits, but a similiar expense.

If someone has asked you to be best man, you should be very close and able to broach this topic, but you say you have left it too late. It's likely to cause a serious problem if you voice concerns now. If I asked someone to be bridesamid and they said yes and then subsequently said they couldn't afford it, I would feel very let down, although if they said at the time I'd make arrangements to include that in the overall budget or reduce the costs.

MORPH3US

I can see both sides here.. it hits home even more because I just got back from my stag weekend with 9 mates on Monday....

We are paying for all of our mens suits though and paying £100 towards dresses with them paying £65 themselves - the dresses are expensive so before we decided we rang around all the women to ask if they were ok to pay £65 towards or wanted to find a different dress... the women get to keep them at the end and should get use again out of it though. They are also paying for their own shoes.