Best Man Question

1sttimer_2

I apologise in advance for such a long post! But here is my thoughts on this thread.

1)I have been asked to be the Bestman at a wedding with my partner being bridesmaid.

Its an honour, but am concerned about how much its actually costing us to make someone else's day so special.

I get the impression my friend thinks we are very well off, but having had a new baby 6 months ago, partner on maternity leave and being self employed I think he is a little off the mark.

So far I worked the bill out as
suit hire £70
bridesmaid dress £60
Shoes to go with dress £70
Hotel £100
Stag Do £160 + travel + spends
Hen Do £50
When were you asked to be bestman/bridesmaid? Was it before OH was pregnant? Why does he think you are well off? Have you given him cause to think this? Are the shoes part of the dress deal?

2)Yes definately having to pay for all the things, but what leaves a sour taste is that I "think" they are subsidising the sisters dress and fathers suits.
You are not 'sure' that they are subsidising the sisters/fathers outfits. If they are only subsidising their own family and not buying them, why should you not pay (or get any subsidy) on your outfits?

I guess we're going to have to take it on the chin, but will have to subtly hint at some stage as to how much it cost.
Why hint - that will not tell him anything!

3)Dress has been bought and were chosen my bride in her colours. I think oh can wear it again. Suit has been hired.
Did your OH and Bride to be agree before dress hunting on costs? Were the shoes included in the agreement?

4)Thanks for the help. These things just cropped up along the way and I agreed to each without giving it much thought. The wedding is about two months away so probably too late to raise objections.
This is where the problem rises- you didn't give it much thought and agreed on it - if so, yes, it is probably too late to raise objections!

5)In honesty I think they looked at the total cost, wondered how they could save money and thought we would help to subsidise the wedding.
Are you sure of this? If you'd already agreed to pay for everything you were getting, then in what way do you think you are being expected to subsidise the wedding?

6)Its a shame that their special day will be tinged with the thought of how much it cost. I'll also be reluctant to be a best man again
If you've made a mistake on cost this time, then you will know how to approach it next time so if you are asked, you can accept!

7)Although the cost is an issue my gripe is the belief that we are rich, the expectancy that we will pay (to save them money) and the moral issue
See no. 1 & 5!

8)I do agree with the above that it is too late to start changing things around. its my own fault for agreeing and I never started my "how to say no" self help book. First it was the suit and at £70 I thought hey ok do anything to help. Then the dress which oh said bride would pay for which seems to have gone by the wayside.

I offered to arrange the stag do, but he went ahead and booked it whilst I was away. It is a two night jaunt (not gone down too well with oh having to look after ds) with all kinds of activities. I could was looking at about £70 for one night.
In this case, then if you have told him it's too much for you, then he and not you should feel bad about not joining in.

Then we realised that rooms had been booked for them and family but not for us so as bestman and bridesmaid we thought we had to stay over.
The rooms booked at the same place are again, unfortunately, your own doing. If you weren't booked in, then it appears he didn't think you were staying, if he did ask you at the time to book your own then you could have looked somewhere cheaper/not stayed over!

It was only when we added it up that we realised it had gone a bit OTT
A very strong reason for not getting at the Groom for the final costs. Unfortunately you had not kept tabs on costs here.

I'm sure we'll have a fantastic day and the groom is a very good friend (hence why i'm best man) and helped me through a tough time in my life which was priceless.
Obviously not - otherwise you would not be arguing over the cost now!

9)This situation is driving the other half potty. Im going to call him tonight and explain that her pay goes to zero next month, which is true and that we can't afford to do the stag and hen do due to the other costs associated.
This is fine in my opinion, and the right thing to do in your circumstances. Is your OH the one to bring the costs to your attention? Not that that is wrong, just a thought.

10)I have just spoke to him and told him about OH on mat leave, new baby and finances. I told him that if I paid for suit hire, hotel and dress etc then I wouldn't be able to afford the stag do.

I wanted him think about my situation and put the choice in his hands. I hoped he would want me on his stag do regardless of anything and say I understand lets meet up and try and find a way to resolve this as I definately want you on my stag do. Even if we had agreed to split the costs at least he would have empathised with the situation I was in. Sorry, this is your situation and nothing to do with his choice. If you'd agreed on items as we are led to believe, then that was your doing, not his.

However he said he couldn't believe that I was letting him down, was disappointed but wouldn't hold a grudge against me.

So much for my tactful approach :rotfl:
He seems to have accepted the fact that you couldn't afford it. As for letting him down, well that's his take on it and I guess that as best man, he sees it as the 'norm' for you to be there. You seemed to have been tactful and honest, and he replied honestly (if not tactfully in your eyes)

11)The groom called me last night and said we needed to talk, good start I thought. Well it was about how upset he'd been and how much he was hurt by my decision not to go on his stag do and how I should have said earlier and face to face.
How long had it been booked before you realised you couldn't afford to go - will there be money lost by you not going ie cancellation fees etc?

With it being a sensitive topic and as the conversation got fractuous I agreed that it was late to raise this topic and maybe it would have been better face to face. it was my attempt to offer the olive branch with the aim of trying to move things forward to find a resolution

When I was blamed for not doing enough to help organise the stag do the gloves came off. Consequently I'd asked him for 6 months to give me the names of people to sound out for going and had spoke to face to face or by phone 8 or so people all of which said it was too expensive to consider.
Is this when you were asked to book it originally, or after you said it was too much. Did you say at the time that there were a few that thought it expensive. Did you say when he booked it you were going? If he still went ahead know that it was too expensive for you and others, then that is his problem, not yours. I'm in agreement with you that it appears to be expensive, especially in your circumstances.

So I explained the position he had put me in and spending £700 on his wedding was way too much and should we really be asked to contribute so much to his day. He did have the cheek to say that we should have budgeted for it.
Sorry, but you seem to be blaming him for you spending the £700 when you have been saying in your posts that you'd agreed to getting the suit (although your OH's dress may be an issue, including the shoes). The stag do is another point to argue as we don't know what was said between you, but the hotel may be your own doing too, unfortunately. I'm assuming your OH agreed to the Hen do? If, as is the case these days, the wedding was booked way in advance, then perhaps you could have costed it out at the beginning and if you thought it was a good thing then budgeting would have been one way to afford/cope with it.

Well to cut a long story short they are coming over to see us on Saturday morning and i left the conversation saying that it was only money and I wouldn't let it affect their day, the friendship or our day. The olive branch offered once again
Yet this whole thread is about how the money is going to spoil if for you and you seem to be questioning your friendship in how this matter is being dealt with!

12)After juggling things on Friday with the baby to speak on Saturday morning he cancelled late on Friday as he said he was working.

Fair enough so I said we could do tonight or Thursday night but could he let me know so I could juggle work and the baby.

Got a text late last night to say that he had yoga tonight and they were going out on Thursday and could I give him some more dates for next week

So replied that it was best to talk sooner rather than later and could he rearrange yoga.

I get the impression for some reason that they blame us for this situation.
The situation is (to my understanding) about the money being spent by you and your OH as being too much for you. You have said that you agreed to things but have now come to a position when you are realising that it is going to cost more than you realise. Has there been a point in your dealings with the groom over the wedding where you have voiced any opinions on the cost (face to face) or have you gone like a lamb to the slaughter being carried up in the excitement and agreeing with everything?

It is a shame that they are not prepared to rearrange his yoga to meet you, but the situation is, or has, only been brought to his attention by you - so from his point of view, you are to blame.

Weddings today do seem to be way OTT in my opinion, but I do think that if the B & G have specific choices of outfits etc, then they should pay, if they think it's too much themselves, then they should either ask if their Bestman/bridgesmaids etc. could contribute by paying for their own outfits, or they have a much smaller, and affordable, wedding.

My own DD2 and partner are just starting to organise their own wedding for 2012 and are budgeting for it now which is why I asked the question of how long ago were you asked?

I do hope you can settle it all before long and that you will not fall out over it - if his friendship means that much to you, then you will find a way to come to terms/agreement over this. Good luck in whatever happens.

claretmatt

When were you asked to be bestman/bridesmaid? Was it before OH was pregnant?

We were asked quite a number of months ago – OH was pregnant at the time.

Why does he think you are well off? Have you given him cause to think this? Are the shoes part of the dress deal?

We have good jobs and a nice house. No cause to think this as I don’t go around proclaiming to be rich as I’m not.

Shoes are separate it was just a gestimate at how much they would cost. Can be obviously bought cheaper or I think OH will wear existing ones

You are not 'sure' that they are subsidising the sisters/fathers outfits. If they are only subsidising their own family and not buying them, why should you not pay (or get any subsidy) on your outfits?

My memory is a little jaded, but them paying for the fathers suits and me paying seems to strike a light. Can’t be 100% though so.

Did your OH and Bride to be agree before dress hunting on costs? Were the shoes included in the agreement?

Bride said she would pay for dress, OH has actually paid but no sign of reimbursement. Shoes not discussed.

Also bride having hair done but nothing for bridemaid – is this normal? OH will either pay for her own or do it herself.

Are you sure of this? If you'd already agreed to pay for everything you were getting, then in what way do you think you are being expected to subsidise the wedding?

Only suit agreed to. OH’s dress was supposed to be paid for. Other costs that we thought might be included was her hair being done for the day.

Hotel is a different issue. We thought they might want us to stay over so would pay.

If you've made a mistake on cost this time, then you will know how to approach it next time so if you are asked, you can accept!

Lesson well and truly learnt

How long had it been booked before you realised you couldn't afford to go - will there be money lost by you not going ie cancellation fees etc?

Stag do was not booked when I told him

Has there been a point in your dealings with the groom over the wedding where you have voiced any opinions on the cost (face to face) or have you gone like a lamb to the slaughter being carried up in the excitement and agreeing with everything?

His wedding has not at the forefront of my mind. Dealing with a new baby (first) and a partner who had a difficult birth was the main thing to consume my thoughts. Also had a family member who has been seriously ill and am self employed so all of these have been more than enough to deal with.

I do think that if the B & G have specific choices of outfits etc, then they should pay.

I agree.

Nothing in their eyes is going to change. I will pay for suit, hotel and bridesmaid dress unless they insist otherwise. The only impact is that I’m not going to go on the stag do which would have been my first night(s) out since DS came along.

glossgal

OP, you must have the patience of a saint-if this was me I would have torn up my invite long ago! Fair enough you made an error in judgement in accepting to pay without saying anything earlier but two months to go is not too late to expect a hand with some of the costs you mention. If they continue with the paddy I would seriously consider whether you want to go and be the best man, they don't sounds the type to forgive and forget this very easily even if you do go.

Personally I find most weddings tedious and indulgent, to have to go and be taken for granted? Not on your nelly! Bah humbug

gratefulforhelp_2

claretmatt wrote: »

He did have the cheek to say that we should have budgeted for it.

OMG that is outrageous.

Paulos77

I've recently just been best man for a friends wedding and the bride and groom paid for everything, The suits for the best man and ushers, the bridesmaids dresses etc. If I was getting married I would do the same I wouldnt expect my groomsmen or the bridesmaids to pay for anything.

The only thing that I had to spend money on was to pay my way on the stag do, and also for drinks at the night time party and of cause a wedding present, but asking to spend about £700 for everything is crazy, I agree if they cant afford to to pick up the cost of the suits and other things then they need to budget for a cheaper wedding.

ecgirl07

claretmatt wrote: »

When I was blamed for not doing enough to help organise the stag do the gloves came off. Consequently I'd asked him for 6 months to give me the names of people to sound out for going and had spoke to face to face or by phone 8 or so people all of which said it was too expensive to consider.

I take it from this quote that other people going to the proposed stage do were finding it too expensive and yet the groom didnt take on board that these are austere times and everyone is finding money a tight?

claretmatt

Having said that speaking about the problem was far more important than yoga they finally came over last night.

We explained that the cost was too much and we were just being honest about it. It would have been nice for them to say that they were shocked about the amount, were sorry to put us in that position and was there anything they could do.

Well.........hmm it was all about the groom and how let down he felt and that he didn't expect me to do that to them and that we should have budgeted for it!

We discussed OH's dress (bride e-mailed OH saying she would pay) and the bride said she did ask OH to pay for her dress. Yes the OH replied "at the till in Debenhams, what did you expect me to say?"

Well so as a result they offered and conceded nothing. We were meant to be going to see Muse on Saturday but he is selling our tickets. I agreed so not to hurt my so called best friends feelings that I would arrange a local stag do for all the people who can't go on his mamoth do.

At this stage and as someone pointed out having supreme patience I want to wash my hands of the whole thing. However as it is 6 weeks I have a tinge of continuing to do the nice thing but this whole event has soured a long term friendship for ever.

moneysaver12

Hi i have read this thread through and to me it sounds like your friend has not taken you and your familys feelings in to account at all, your friend sounds selfish. How dare he say that you should have budgeted for it. Why is he now selling your tickets? I got married last year aboard, orginally we were going to get married in this country and we would have been paying for bridesmaids dresses, bestman.

shellsuit

claretmatt wrote: »

Having said that speaking about the problem was far more important than yoga they finally came over last night.

We explained that the cost was too much and we were just being honest about it. It would have been nice for them to say that they were shocked about the amount, were sorry to put us in that position and was there anything they could do.

Well.........hmm it was all about the groom and how let down he felt and that he didn't expect me to do that to them and that we should have budgeted for it!

We discussed OH's dress (bride e-mailed OH saying she would pay) and the bride said she did ask OH to pay for her dress. Yes the OH replied "at the till in Debenhams, what did you expect me to say?"

Well so as a result they offered and conceded nothing. We were meant to be going to see Muse on Saturday but he is selling our tickets. I agreed so not to hurt my so called best friends feelings that I would arrange a local stag do for all the people who can't go on his mamoth do.

At this stage and as someone pointed out having supreme patience I want to wash my hands of the whole thing. However as it is 6 weeks I have a tinge of continuing to do the nice thing but this whole event has soured a long term friendship for ever.

And these are meant to be your friends??

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't care if it was 6 weeks or 6 days before the wedding ~ if that's how me and my family were treated by 'friends', friends no longer would they be!

How selfish and ignorant are they?!

You look after number one, which is YOUR family.

Leave them to take the mick out of some other people.

claretmatt

I'm so shocked about how self-centred and selfish he has been. I don't feel one ounce of empathy towards our situation despite plenty of thought to his.

He has paid for the tickets and we would have refunded him.