Partner lends money to ex..

belfastgirl23

I really think you're approaching this entirely in the wrong way For me the issue is that he's keeping secrets with his ex not really the money or the amount or anything else. Personally I would feel incredibly betrayed if DH was conspiring with someone behind my back. And would not at all feel comfortable with any relationship he had where I was deliberately excluded. That's not to say we live in each others pockets but I kind of feel it's important that I respect his friends and they respect me. To me this is disrespectful of your relationship, both that the ex asked him to keep it a secret and that he agreed.

But the fact that it's a financial thing has turned this discussion into an awful narky row about what if, that doesn't even address what the original problem was. Why not go back to basics? What about this has upset you? Is it really that you might have to financially support him (you've already said you'd do it no problem). And if it isn't then call the problem by its real name.

BTW on the joint finances thing, we've been together 20 years and still don't share finances. That suits us fine. But neither of us would ever make a major purchase (say over £100) without some discussion...

londoner1998

bambam0074 wrote: »

Whilst I appreciate many people have a similar view to my partner, I still cannot agree that when you live together as a single unit with joint financial responsibilities that at least warning your partner of possible situation that could affect their financial stability in the future should not be discussed. It just seems inconsiderate and wrong.

For example come October he has no guarantee of work, no savings now in the bank and I may well have to cover twice the amount of outgoings I currently have. Now if I do same as him and lend my mate 10K leaving me with no monies in the bank and have no way to support the two of us in October we BOTH lose the house. He is lucky he has family he can go back to. I have no family, possibly unable to meet payments on mortage and alone as he has gone back to live with parents as I am unable to support both of us. Would I be wrong to feel he was inconsiderate in not at least warning me that this situation was a real possibility?

I have been led to understand he has money in the bank should he come out of work so there would be no immediate issue with paying of bills etc, but this action has changed that and unless I had found out would have been none the wiser until it hit in October.

Right, I can see this form both sides. I, like you, am in a long term relationship (almost 8 years) , living together but with separate finances (joint name in the tenancy agreement).
My partner has a child wih somebody else (prior to our relationship).

I agree with those who say that his partner's money is his alone to use as he pleases, but we all have to accept that we would be annoyed to say the least that such a large sum of money has been lent, not just to anybody, but to an ex-partner. Let's be honest- I admit I would be if I were on his shoes. Call it insecurity, call it what you want. It annoys the OP and that's that. i think people can be entitled to their annoyance. Having said that, it is possibelt o accept that may be the OP doesn't have the long-term vision that the OP has, thinking ahead and planning for contingency. i can realte to that too, because I am much more 'what if'.

If you rented and had no common mortage, i would say, just try to accept it is his money and separate it from your relationship stuff- talk about it and set what way you are going and where your insecurities come from. Having a mortage together, he really shoudl have consulted you, becasue your finances are not really separate, are they? You need to sit down and talk- if you ca make him see that you just want to make sure your future together is not jeopardised, may be he will realise he hasn't made the best decision. 10K is a lot of money and will take a long time to be repaid.

But in the end of the day, try not to get upset- you haven't done anything wrong.
Good luck.

bambam0074

I can honestly say I dont mind he is loaning money to his ex 100% have no issue. We are secure in our relationship (as in not threatened by ex partners, we are both very good friends and cvlose to both our ex partners). I am not angry with the fact that he spends his money in the way he does, or has loaned the money to someone. It is after all his money and is upto him to do with what he likes.

At what point in a relationship do people see it right that large purchases/commitments should be discussed. Or is it then general opinion that so long as individuals share costs 50/50 but keep remainder of their income for their own needs/requirements then nobody should ever question as they dont have the right. However the issue with this is that if it has possible financial implications on the other within that relationship then surely it should be discussed even if one party in the discussion has no right to a say in what the outcome is. I am not saying I want to dictate what he does, not necessarily saying lending the money is wrong. However the discussion for me is to allow me to be aware of situation, possible implications for us as a unit, and even if he loans the money and I feel deep down he shouldnt (i actually dont feel he shouldnt, and even if I did its not for me to say he shouldnt) but by discussing openly I am at least aware that the situation has changed. He no longer has financial stability with money in bank, and I can adjust my spending habits to accomodate possible shortfall in income further down the line. I actually feel I am the more considerate here, as I am actually looking out for both our interests, and despite peoples opinions do not want to dictate what he does or doesnt do with his money, but would like a more open dialogue and communication on things that changes "our" circumstances.

How many people have been in a relationship and had a partner rack up a huge amount of debt, to be then bailed out by the other. I would imagine alot of people would view this as unfair especially if the partner who hadnt overspent was in the dark about the debt accumalated from the other until it was too late.

slightlyconfused1

Hi

I completely understand your concerns regarding money if you have a realistic expectation that your partner will be unemployed in October. However, as you state, your partner has the right to spend his money the way he wants.

Had he turned round and said "x wants to borrow £10k and after a bit of thought I have decided to lend it to him. What do you think?" I think you may be feeling a lot better about things although the net result would be the same.

It sounds as if you feel that he has put the needs of his ex above your needs and your future as a couple. You both appear to have different ideas about your "fully committed relationship" Your partner appears to want to keep his independence while you appear to want a more joint involved partnership. Neither position is right they are just different. You need to talk and explain that it is not about the money but the fact that your partner did not ask your opinion or discuss something that probably will have serious implications for both of you. It may be that he feels his job prospects are actually ok for after October and that you are concerned over nothing. He may also not appreciate that you want more of an involved partnership than you have already.

Gavin83

londoner1998 wrote: »

I agree with those who say that his partner's money is his alone to use as he pleases, but we all have to accept that we would be annoyed to say the least that such a large sum of money has been lent, not just to anybody, but to an ex-partner. Let's be honest- I admit I would be if I were on his shoes. Call it insecurity, call it what you want. It annoys the OP and that's that. i think people can be entitled to their annoyance.

That wasn't the issue here though. My girlfriend gets a birthday and christmas text off of an ex which I don't have a problem with, but I wouldn't be at all comfortable if they were still communicating enough to the level of ending money.

I wouldn't even have a relationship with someone who was in regular contact with an ex unless children were involved.

bambam0074 wrote: »

At what point in a relationship do people see it right that large purchases/commitments should be discussed. Or is it then general opinion that so long as individuals share costs 50/50 but keep remainder of their income for their own needs/requirements then nobody should ever question as they dont have the right.

I can see your viewpoint but I agree with this. I guess it depends on the individual and it should be agreed at some point in the relationship, but I'd like to keep my finances completely seperate and that includes not discussing purchases.

I can't see how it would affect the partner unless they ran into financial difficulty. My head says in this situation you shouldn't support them, but if your tied together in terms of a mortgage, etc it's a little difficult. Maybe a loan would be in order.

Gavin83

Out of interest, would you have been happier if he'd asked, you'd said you weren't happy with it and he'd lent the money anyway?

maggied_2

I would be very uncomfortable with my partner lending most of his savings to an ex - but then for me exes are for the past (if only my OH's ex felt the same way!!). It's a big commitment.

bambam0074

Gavin83 wrote: »

Out of interest, would you have been happier if he'd asked, you'd said you weren't happy with it and he'd lent the money anyway?

The point I keep trying to make during all of my posts, is that its not a case of do what I say. Its a case of no communication and also to a degree the element of secrecy..

I have no desire to dictate or have input on what he does with his money, but would like to be informed of situations such as this that occur.

I have no secrets within this relationship, nothing to hide.

bambam0074

In addition, everybody has an opinion on what I do and dont have the right to have a say in, when infact I have never said I should have a say in what he spends his money on.

Few people have commented on the fact that his ex has requested he keeps a secret from his current partner, and being balanced how many would feel comfortable if their partner kept a secret at request of their ex after being in a relationship for 2 years and living together, owning a property together?

*max*

To be fair OP, the title of your thread reads "Partner lends money to ex...".

It does rather imply that you have a problem with him lending money TO HIS EX, rather than with the lack of communication you are talking about now.