Partner lends money to ex..

bambam0074

Had a disagreement with partner this evening and feeling somewhat upset about a difference in opinion.

He has lent his ex partner 10K to help him clear debts as he has some financial worries at present. We have lived together for 12 months, and been together as partners for 2 years. Whilst we arent totally financially joined as in we have separate bank accounts and split all the bills 50/50. He earns more than me but his income is his own and mine is mine. We dont get involved with what we spend our spare money on but I just feel somewhat hurt that he has lent his partner such a sum of money withot discussing with me first.

His opinion is that this is something that isnt needed to be discussed, its between him and his ex and its his decision what he does with his money (which is fair enough but feels wrong its cloak and dagger).

Am I unreasonable in feeling we should have discussed this in more depth, that although I appreciate its his decision at the end of the day as its his money I feel I have not been included within the transaction and as a result feel devalued within the relationship unit

His ex preferred he didnt discuss with me, which I felt was unreasonable on basis we live together as a unit...

Fang_3

It's absolutely none of your business. Why do you feel that you should have any say over what he does with his money?

bambam0074

So if he was to be made redundant next week, be unable to support himself and at same time likely be unable to get his ten K back from his ex at such notice. He struggles to pay his commitments to joint commitments such as mortgages etc. Do I just smile and accept that I pay the bills as that what a partner does in a relationship ??

I would also add I am far from a money sucking leech as I earn a damn good salary and am fully self sufficient, something we both are. Just I feel that in a relationship its open and you discuss things and come to decisions together.. Maybe its me and my perception of relationships is warped ?!?!?!

Valli

well if he was made redundant then he would call in (I hope) the debt. It's a loan, not a gift...

This isn't about the loan though, is it. You think (I guess) that if the relationship is over it should be completely over. But if the ex partner can ask for a loan than it cannot be over, in your eyes.

I too have an ex partner but he would be a last resort if I needed money, despite the fact that we have children together. The fact that your current partner can still be asked for money by a previous partner, and get it, says to you that there is still something there.

So what you are dealing with here is not the fact that there has been a loan, but the fact that there still is, on some level,a relationship. And THAT'S the problem.

You need to talk to your partner about the reliance/hold his previous partner has over him. Because that is the issue.

(I hope I have understood the genders here; I do not mean to offend)

bambam0074

How would you call in a loan from someone who quite likely in todays credit situation would be unable to raise 10K at the drop of a hat

tjakyll

Surely if he was to be made redundant next week, in the same vein, it would be up to him to sort himself out financially. After all, if he didn't have the 10k originally, how would it be different to the situation as it is now? ie how is it different that he didn't have 10k in the bank now, and he used to have to have 10k but has lent it to someone.. I assume he expects to get the loan paid back or he wouldn't have lent it

mikey72

You can't have it both ways, it's either in one pot or it isn't.
If it isn't you can't really complain what it goes on.
Saving it just to cover bills just in case isn't your desicion, you could equally say what if he wins the lottery. Would you expect some share, or would you still expect to work while he has a million in the bank?

Fang_3

bambam0074 wrote: »

So if he was to be made redundant next week, be unable to support himself and at same time likely be unable to get his ten K back from his ex at such notice. He struggles to pay his commitments to joint commitments such as mortgages etc. Do I just smile and accept that I pay the bills as that what a partner does in a relationship ??

I would also add I am far from a money sucking leech as I earn a damn good salary and am fully self sufficient, something we both are. Just I feel that in a relationship its open and you discuss things and come to decisions together.. Maybe its me and my perception of relationships is warped ?!?!?!

You can't have a relationship based on what ifs. At the moment he can afford to lend out £10,000. It is not impacting on your life at all. It's none of your business. You sound like a jealous, immature child at the moment. This situation is only an issue if you make it one. But judging by your reaction, I'm going to guess that he won't put up with you for much longer.

bambam0074

Its not the money I have an issue with its the fact he didnt think it was something he should at least discuss with me. If he didnt have the 10K to lend wouldnt even be having this discussion. However at what point do we think a relationship is a unit where decisions are made together rather than on our own.

If I was to lend my ex 10K, and I felt I was financially secure then fine. BUT I would discuss it with my partner fully and hopefully gain their support. It isnt even the fact of him lending to the ex but more I feel we should have discussed it at length together first.

Fang_3

bambam0074 wrote: »

Its not the money I have an issue with its the fact he didnt think it was something he should at least discuss with me. If he didnt have the 10K to lend wouldnt even be having this discussion. However at what point do we think a relationship is a unit where decisions are made together rather than on our own.

If I was to lend my ex 10K, and I felt I was financially secure then fine. BUT I would discuss it with my partner fully and hopefully gain their support. It isnt even the fact of him lending to the ex but more I feel we should have discussed it at length together first.

It. Is. Not. Your. Money. What part of that do you not understand? You don't share finances so why do you think he should consult you before deciding what to do with his money?

Luckyred

bambam0074 wrote: »

So if he was to be made redundant next week, be unable to support himself and at same time likely be unable to get his ten K back from his ex at such notice. He struggles to pay his commitments to joint commitments such as mortgages etc. Do I just smile and accept that I pay the bills as that what a partner does in a relations

I would also add I am far from a money sucking leech as I earn a damn good salary and am fully self sufficient, something we both are. Just I feel that in a relationship its open and you discuss things and come to decisions together.. Maybe its me and my perception of relationships is warped ?!?!?!

You dont sound warped to me. I know its his money to do with as he wishes..... but £10k to an ex would be a bit much for me. I can understand how you feel devalued.