Partner lends money to ex..

sp1987

hieveryone wrote: »

Yes, they may have separate finances to do as they wish, but £10k isn't exactly lending a mate 20 quid down the pub is it? It's a carefully organised loan of money, and probably part of this is what has annoyed them.

But they either are separate finances or they are not, surely?

If I had joint finances with my partner I would be just as concerned about £20 down the pub as £10,000. As I have not, the scale at which he spends his money is not my business.

The fact I like his advice on what I may buy is besides the point. If he announced 'don't buy that jacket' or 'don't buy that car' or 'don't buy that fishing vessel in the north sea' as an order I'd have it arrive with a big red bow on :rotfl:and I know full well the same would happen the other way around.

The problem is the OP's partner is muddling along spending his own money/frittering it away/eating it as he likes as that is what the deal was, until the OP decides that this occasion has offended the very basis of their (now pretty indeterminable) agreement. The pair of them need a chat as neither of them seem to have a clue what was agreed.

Mrs_justjohn

bambam0074 wrote: »

I asked him if he thought it was right I told him he has no money its tough he still has to pay. Apparently if I did he would leave me and return to his family!!!

Hhmmmm - I think that attitude is a HUGE problem within the context of this relationship. Especially as it does not seem to be an attitude you can tolerate (and why should you IMHO)?

I think you could be brewing future problems if you just let this matter slide now....:(

Fang_3

Mrs_justjohn wrote: »

Hhmmmm - I think that attitude is a HUGE problem within the context of this relationship. Especially as it does not seem to be an attitude you can tolerate (and why should you IMHO)?

I think you could be rewing future problems if you just let this matter slide now....:(

Well what else could he do?

Mrs_justjohn

*max* wrote: »

To be honest, if you have such opposite views on your financial situation, I would question the relationship itself.

I happen to agree with the OP, but I do think that the above sentence has hit the nail on the head.

bambam0074

Let me clarify the situation further .... Financially we are both secure (well me more than him as I have a permanent job and even if I get made redundant I get a good payout and 6 mths notice). he is a contractor (not earning 10K a month) with a 4 week notice period and likely end of contract in October. His 10K is probably the majority of his savings, his ex is also a good friend of both of us and I have no issue with their relationship.

The fact he lent 10K without discussing it with me first so we can look at what we would do if he was oput of work in October and what we can put in place to help alleviate financial issues for US as a unit is the issue I have. Yes we agree to split 50/50 the the remainder of our income is ours to do with as we please however if I was to make a decision that could impact our joint situation financially in the future I would discuss with him to get his views. To understand his concerns to try and alleviate his concerns as when in a relationship I deem that these are important qualities in a strong relationshiop.

The fact he hasnt discussed this makes me wonder how strong the relationship is, and how considerate he is to the relationship and its future...

sp1987

You could, I guess...agree to pool monies to pay all bills and then split the surplus 50/50. Then use your surplus money each as each would like. It would overcome any problems with ''who pays the bills if one is out of work'' as both would, but also allows one partner to use their own portion of money on whatever 'shiny things' they may spot.

mikey72

sp1987 wrote: »

But they either are separate finances or they are not, surely?

If I had joint finances with my partner I would be just as concerned about £20 down the pub as £10,000. As I have not, the scale at which he spends his money is not my business.

The fact I like his advice on what I may buy is besides the point. If he announced 'don't buy that jacket' or 'don't buy that car' or 'don't buy that fishing vessel in the north sea' as an order I'd have it arrive with a big red bow on :rotfl:and I know full well the same would happen the other way around.

The problem is the OP's partner is muddling along spending his own money/frittering it away/eating it as he likes as that is what the deal was, until the OP decides that this occasion has offended the very basis of their (now pretty indeterminable) agreement. The pair of them need a chat as neither of them seem to have a clue what was agreed.

So if your partner "ordered" you not to spend all your own money on a North Sea fishing boat, you would, just to spite him?
That really is a weird thing to do.
Good job you haven't got joint finances really.

sp1987

mikey72 wrote: »

So if your partner "ordered" you not to spend all your own money on a North Sea fishing boat, you would, just to spite him?
That really is a weird thing to do.
Good job you haven't got joint finances really.

Are you paid to misread posts or is it just a sideline hobby when the trains aren't running?

:wall:

My point was I would not be 'ordered' not to spend my money as I saw fit, regardless of the perceived use value of a purchase be that objective or subjective. Though that aside, my partner doesn't pipe up of an evening telling me things not to buy. Thankfully he's educated enough not to be a pillock.

*max*

mikey72 wrote: »

So if your partner "ordered" you not to spend all your own money on a North Sea fishing boat, you would, just to spite him?

If he "ordered" me, I would not only buy the boat, but I would also lock him in it and drop the keys in the North Sea.

Mrs_justjohn

bambam0074 wrote: »

Let me clarify the situation further .... Financially we are both secure (well me more than him as I have a permanent job and even if I get made redundant I get a good payout and 6 mths notice). he is a contractor (not earning 10K a month) with a 4 week notice period and likely end of contract in October. His 10K is probably the majority of his savings, his ex is also a good friend of both of us and I have no issue with their relationship.

The fact he lent 10K without discussing it with me first so we can look at what we would do if he was oput of work in October and what we can put in place to help alleviate financial issues for US as a unit is the issue I have. Yes we agree to split 50/50 the the remainder of our income is ours to do with as we please however if I was to make a decision that could impact our joint situation financially in the future I would discuss with him to get his views. To understand his concerns to try and alleviate his concerns as when in a relationship I deem that these are important qualities in a strong relationshiop.

The fact he hasnt discussed this makes me wonder how strong the relationship is, and how considerate he is to the relationship and its future...

PMSL - Isn't that what I said back in post 44??:rotfl:

"The problem with that is you agreed to pay 50% each, so if he deafults on his share, you will either have to make up the difference or suffer the consequences of 'arrears'. So the fact he has lent money could impact you financially in the future and affect your future realtionship. For that reason alone I would have thought it should be discussed if both feel it is a long term relationship "