Partner lends money to ex..

sulkisu

bambam0074 wrote: »

Mrs Justjohn.... You agreed wayback with the sentiments of what I was saying but people still disagree so I felt the need to be more clear/specific

No you didn't. OP you asked for people's opinions - do they think you are being unreasonable under the circumstances. Some agree with you, while others do not. Instead of just accepting the fact that not everyone feels you are right, and using all of the posts (positive and negative) to form a balanced view, you seem to have made it your mission to persuade those who disagree with you that they really should be agreeing with you, and the reasons why. This happens a lot on this forum. You are debating with the wrong people, because it doesn't really matter what we think. Your partner is not on the forum (I assume). What you need to do is to raise all of the what if's/ands/buts, that you have thrown at posters here (especially at Fang), with your partner. Depending on his responses, you can decide if this a deal breaker or not.
FWIW I would probably expect my partner to tell me if he had done this, but not necessarily to discuss it with me beforehand. His money, his choice - but that's just me.

Pee

I have certainly lent money to an ex and generally been there for them. Sometimes it's a moral obligation from days gone by, sometimes you couldn't look yourself in the eye if you didn't do your best for someone who you were once in love with. The sum involved was never that big, but then my ex was never likely to pay it back, so in a way the sums were larger.

I did tell my current boyfriend about it, and he was fine with it, but I did tell him not ask him or seek his permission. It would have been different if that money meant I didn't have enough to pay my share of the rent or bills. Then I would have felt the need to discuss it with him.

My boyfriend wouldn't lend an ex anything, something I do find slightly worrying and I hope this is just because of the way they treated him, but he does have lots of friends who he would and often does lend money to. This involves much smaller sums and is always paid back, but it is lent whether he needs the money himself or not. I think he is very kind hearted and have no issue with that, even though it means I then might have to bail him out. He is always there to bail me out, too.

I think the reason you weren't told is that he expected you to react badly. I'm not excusing the not telling you, you should have known, and I would have been very bothered if my ex wanted me to keep something secret from my boyfriend - if it was something that only concerned him i.e. a court case I would do it, but if it concerned me, i.e. lending him money then there is no way I would keep it from my boyfriend.

indebtinsussex

for me it wouldn't be the amount of money that was lent to the ex, its the fact that it wasn't even discussed with me which I would find hurtful, I personally would feel like the ex had been put before me, and I know that my oh would feel the same way.

I'm not saying that his partner has to ask permission before he does anything in future, but £10k is a lot to lend anyone and some sort of mention of it would have been nice.

Until recently me and oh had seperate finances (too lazy to sort out accounts!) but didn't mean that our relationship was any less committed

Plans_all_plans

I would have hit the roof. If my husband (even when we were just boyfriend/girlfriend) had done this I would have gone mental. It might be HIS money, but such big decisions should be talked about, even if finances aren't joint.

Loz01

I agree with the OP, I would've gone mental! 10K is a LOT of money, its not like lending out £50 to someone! And the fact his partners job is finishing in October would also make me question why he's giving money away?! Who know how long it'll take to be re-paid etc. The fact they have a shared house/mortgage should mean that loaning out 10K is on the cards for discussion IMO!!

bambam0074

I have already mentioned, I have no issues with my partners ex and also on the whole have no issue with my partner loaning money to him either. The amount involved is a large sum, and the majority of his savings. Which would leave him somewhat exposed should his contract come to an end. he has always (in the time I have known him) felt secure and been content with the fact that he has a certain amount of money in the bank to cover eventualities. I have asked the question now I know about the loan if he feels his ex will be able to pay him back if he should get into a situation (i.e. loses his current contract) where he needs the money quickly. However I am told this is none of my concern its his money to do with what he likes and this situation of him lending money is not a discussion he wishes to have with me. I appreciate the fact that its his money to do with as he pleases, but am less happy about the fact that he feels the situation is something we shouldnt discuss. I have lent my ex partner monies, never to the extent of 10K but when this has been the case I have discussed with my partner first. If not only to let him know the situation as I am a firm beleiver that secrets in relationships are and can be destructive. The fact that my partner has clearly stated that he would expect (to a certain degree) for me to support him if he fell on hard times, and take up the slack with bills etc shows a certain amount of double standards in my book. Whilst I feel I need to consider our joint financial situation to ensure a comfortable future, and as such would discuss situations like this with him to at least afford him the knowledge of how I am changing my financial status (and consequently possibly our own financial status) I feel this is important as it allows him to have a fuller picture of what consequences are should I fall on harder times. I somewhat feel that whilst there is an expectation for me to consider our future security and involve him in this he does not feel the same. Yes I appreciate that it is me that feels the need to consider our futures security, but I thought thats what a relationship was about. Considering each other and your futures, but maybe I am wrong.

I also guess that this discussion and opinions are very much swayed by peoples perception and expectations from relationships. I have no issue with anyone else helping out another in need, I would never say certainly not to him lending the 10K but what I would like is to be able to communicate about these decisions, even tho I am not the decision maker on what the final outcome would be. I personally feel more content in a relationship where communication is open and clear and I guess this situation makes me question if I am content in a relationship where openess and the ability to communicate effectively is not working.

I love my partner very much, and have always supported him in decisions he has made even if I have not always agreed with them. I would always financially support us as a unit should he hit hard times, even if he borrowed his ex 10K and was unable to get it back. I wouldnt be the one to sit back and say I told you so, should he be unable to recoupe the money from his ex and his contract come to an end, I would support him all the way in making the best of a bad situation. In a relationship surely communication and discussion to open views and look at situations is important. Many times have happened where I have been tempted into making an impulse purchase and he has highlighted possible consequenses of these actions which has lead to me taking a more balanced view and possibly reconsidering (not always for the best in my opinion) but the times it has been for the best I have appreciated, and when it hasnt I would never throw it back in his face.

For me its all about communication, asking questions to ascertain an understanding before making judgement.

kimmi_b

Another one here agreeing with the OP, his partner should have had the decency to let him know what he was planning to do. Practically clearing out your savings to help someone else is daft in this economic climate.

Luella

While mentioning it beforehand would have done no harm, I certainly don't think the OP's partner was obliged to do so. It's money that he has earnt, and if he feels he can manage without it then it's he's well within his rights to give / lend it to whomsoever he chooses.
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and while we split costs and bills 50/50 any excess belongs to whoever earnt it, which i think is similar to you. If he were to do something similar it really wouldn't bother me - it's his choice.
I don't see that lending this money has had any effect on your financial stability, and if the ex is as good a friend as you say I don't understand why it should affect your relationship.

Gavin83

bambam0074 wrote: »

So, scenario... for those that are married or long term partnered (forgetting legalities) who would feel comfortablke with their partner lending 10K to anyone (forget who it is) without having a full discussion with their partner.

Which as I say is my main issue with this..

Im actually with Fang on this one and disagree with the majority. I'll ignore the fact it's an ex, which doesn't seem to be the issue as that is a totally different problem entirely.

When you enter into relationships you have two options financially, you either pool your finances or you keep them seperate. If you choose to keep them seperate, as the OP has done then I don't see how you can have any sort of say on what your partner does with their money. As long as they are contributing to the shared pot, for bills, etc then whatever they wish to spend the remainder on, regardless of the amount should be their choice. I don't see any reason why this affects the relationship and why they would need to discuss it with their partner. I don't think the issue of a future house deposit comes into it as this should be agreed and put into a shared pool as well.

If my partner was angry with what I'd spent my money on I'd be livid with her, it would cause a massive argument at best.

You either need to decide if your sharing your finances or keeping them seperate, but it shouldn't impact on the relationship.

bambam0074

Whilst I appreciate many people have a similar view to my partner, I still cannot agree that when you live together as a single unit with joint financial responsibilities that at least warning your partner of possible situation that could affect their financial stability in the future should not be discussed. It just seems inconsiderate and wrong.

For example come October he has no guarantee of work, no savings now in the bank and I may well have to cover twice the amount of outgoings I currently have. Now if I do same as him and lend my mate 10K leaving me with no monies in the bank and have no way to support the two of us in October we BOTH lose the house. He is lucky he has family he can go back to. I have no family, possibly unable to meet payments on mortage and alone as he has gone back to live with parents as I am unable to support both of us. Would I be wrong to feel he was inconsiderate in not at least warning me that this situation was a real possibility?

I have been led to understand he has money in the bank should he come out of work so there would be no immediate issue with paying of bills etc, but this action has changed that and unless I had found out would have been none the wiser until it hit in October.