Access to grandson

belfastgirl23

I think you've got off a bit on the wrong foot with this situation. I do understand that you want to see your grandchild. But my experience with new parents is that basically you need to totally work around what suits them. And that's me talking as someone with no kids but with several friends who do have kids. EG it's always us who visit them, never them visiting us and it's usually them who dictate the times as well. But I want to maintain those friendships and that means accepting that their routines etc have to come first.

I do actually wonder whether being off work is giving you time to brood about this (I'm inclined towards brooding myself so I know the signs!). And to think a lot about your point of view and how this is affecting you. I would suggest that you need to start thinking about them a lot more. Perhaps your DIL isn't comfortable leaving the baby with you. Well that's perfectly natural really, nothing at all to do with you or who you are, just that crazy overprotective mothering thing that often happens with a first baby. Maybe she didn't invite you round when you texted but then again maybe she was in PJs or wanting a nap after being up all night. It's very easy to take it all personally but actually it probably isn't about you at all, it's about them and their family.

And as for her family, hopefully you're doing this already but never ever anything less than total positivity on your part about how wonderful they are helping with the baby, what nice people they are, how lucky she is to have a close family etc. And mean it. Try to find the good in them. I'm sure they care deeply about their daughter too. And the thing about jealousy is that it really is an acid that will eat into your relationship with all of those people you hold dear.

To be honest in your shoes I'd apologise to your son for putting pressure on him at such an important and special time. Tell him that you want to be part of his family on their terms, wherever and whenever suits them, you're there. And that you 100% support how he and your DIL are managing things. And that you love them all. And then take every opportunity they offer. Don't forget babies grow up to be little people and couples often go on to have more children and become less precious and more grateful. Play the long game here, you'll be glad you did.

zzzLazyDaisy

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Play the long game here, you'll be glad you did.

Best bit of advice in the whole thread!

*Louise*

I sort of see both sides of this. It's not nice feeling as though you're not seeing enough of the baby., but on the other hand, if you turn down the chance of visiting because you think he might be sleeping, you have to ask yourself how your son and DIL will read that?

Ps - I don't know many young babies that go to sleep right on 7pm and sleep right through. Chances are the baby would have been awake..maybe you could have helped with bathtime and bed routine? If you turn down the chance to visit you will never know.


Incidentally, I'm not one to send my kids to a babysitter for no reason. I very much see it as I had them, I will look after them as much as possibble. So I wouldn't let mine go to my MIL 'just because' on a regular arrangement.

*Louise*

Just another thought...it used to really annoy me when MIL tried arranging things with OH and leaving me out...do you think that having the chat with your son on his own(and thereby excluding DIL*) could have had a negative affect on the situation?

*I'm not saying it was done on purpose or with any intent to do so, just you never know what other people are thinking....

I woudl advise inviting them over for Sunday lunch/dinner/whatever and spent time with them as a family instead of on-one one with your GS.

Baby steps....

gratefulforhelp_2

Playing the long game here may mean considering whether you want your son's relationship to flourish or to be damaged by this dissent? If, and I hope it doesn't, this pressure from you damages the parents' relationship, as the paternal grandparent if the mother gets residence, your contact with the child would be limited and dependent on your son's contact.

Is that how you would like to end up?

pinkshoes

I'm 6 months pregnant, it's going to be a first grandchild for both sets of grandparents.

My inlaws live just up the road, and are really nice, but the OP has really freaked me out over this!

Do grandparents really feel they have a *right* to see their grandchildren when they want, and spend alone time looking after them??? I'm now becoming paranoid that I'm going to be seen as the evil daughter-in-law who dictates when and how long they can see their grandchild, when in reality it will be MY (and my OHs) child, it's going to be a huge change to my life, and I really don't want to spend my time worrying whether I'm being judged/criticized on something I might or might not have done, when I'm just going to be concentrating on doing my best to be the best mum I can!

So I guess I'm seeing this from the point of view of the daughter in law - and of COURSE she trusts her own parents more, as they're the ones who brought her up!!!

(my parents live 270 miles away, so won't be regular visitors, but I have set them up with Skype!)

gratefulforhelp_2

pinkshoes no, of course the grandparents don't have *rights* although there are moves afoot to give them legal rights of contact where the parents are separated.

Thats kind of what I was trying to say to OP, if, God forbid, the parents separated, she will want to have been squeaky clean in the DIL's eyes.

*Louise*

pinkshoes wrote: »

My inlaws live just up the road, and are really nice, but the OP has really freaked me out over this!

You shouldn't feel that way. If you like them already then arrangements will fall naturally into place.

Took us a few years to sort things with my MIL - she let her mouth go about the way 'I' was over-protective about our DS (ie. I wouldn't let her smoke around him or let him stay over cos of the smoke and smell) we eventually sorted it all out (she has given up smoking of her own accord:T) and now we visit once a week and invite the inlaws on day trips etc with us so they don't miss out on the kids growing up.

I'm sure you will be fine pinkshoes, don't worry yourself as long as there is communication any situation can be arranged to suit

Mojisola

pinkshoes wrote: »

Do grandparents really feel they have a *right* to see their grandchildren when they want, and spend alone time looking after them??? I'm now becoming paranoid that I'm going to be seen as the evil daughter-in-law who dictates when and how long they can see their grandchild, when in reality it will be MY (and my OHs) child, it's going to be a huge change to my life, and I really don't want to spend my time worrying whether I'm being judged/criticized on something I might or might not have done, when I'm just going to be concentrating on doing my best to be the best mum I can!

I'm joking - well maybe half-joking - but once you are parents you'll be judged, not only by family but by friends and also complete strangers in the streets! If you're lucky, your family and friends will know that we all parent differently, will not criticise you and will leave you to bring up your child as you see fit. Just remember that when your children are "doing it differently" with your grandchildren!

Best wishes for the rest of the pregnancy.

Bitsy_Beans

pinkshoes wrote: »

I'm 6 months pregnant, it's going to be a first grandchild for both sets of grandparents.

My inlaws live just up the road, and are really nice, but the OP has really freaked me out over this!

Do grandparents really feel they have a *right* to see their grandchildren when they want, and spend alone time looking after them??? I'm now becoming paranoid that I'm going to be seen as the evil daughter-in-law who dictates when and how long they can see their grandchild, when in reality it will be MY (and my OHs) child, it's going to be a huge change to my life, and I really don't want to spend my time worrying whether I'm being judged/criticized on something I might or might not have done, when I'm just going to be concentrating on doing my best to be the best mum I can!

So I guess I'm seeing this from the point of view of the daughter in law - and of COURSE she trusts her own parents more, as they're the ones who brought her up!!!

(my parents live 270 miles away, so won't be regular visitors, but I have set them up with Skype!)

You're going to be a parent. You'll be judged by all and sundry
Guilt is a part of parenting. People will say things that you'll take to heart and feel like a lousy mother and it will all be said with the best of intentions. Try not to take too much notice. Good luck and best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy

I do feel sorry for the OP a bit. She reminds me of my own parents and how they are with my children. Not in the sense that they are demanding but they are the apple of their eye and they are besotted with them. I take my kids round every Sunday so my dad gets to see them (he tends to miss out during the week). They would love to move to another area but won't do so because they'd miss their grandchildren so much. I am thankful that my parents take such an interest and pleasure in my children when they could have been the cold fish that MY grandparents are :cool: When my mum had us kids her MIL immediately said "don't expect me to do the babysitting" so when I read the OP's posts I hark back to my grandparents and their indifference and I know which I'd rather have